Without being told, how did you know about an affair?

[Anonymous]

These posts (most of them) are making me very sad. I'm sorry this has happened to so many people. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Few people "deserve" it.

How I found out... He and I had one argument and I tried to hold out on being the first to apologize. Finally he apologized first about a week after the fight. But things never got better and we went WEEKS without seeing each other. Two months later we finally saw each other and I had hope for things to turn around. But it got worse and worse. I saw Facebook posts on his wall from a woman I'd never heard of before, which was strange because he rarely uses Facebook. No one would ever post on his wall aside from a few buddies. I became so suspicious. Women's intuition is never wrong. We went weeks again without seeing each other. He'd be nice, then horrible the next day. On and off. Dragging me along. I desperately wanted to fix it, and he acted like he did too one minute, then the next was so cold and mean and awful. Finally I convinced him to see me but he just wanted to break up. His excuse was just that things changed and he was over it. I went home and cried all night. The next day, I just had a suspicion and looked at that woman's Facebook. She had just posted a picture of them together, and the caption meant it was from weeks before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saw pictures of his other family posted on a public facebook group.

Holy fuck. A whole other family?

I have a neighbor (another poster) whose DH travelled to California often. Turned out he had families on both coasts.

[Anonymous]

BTW it is not a crime of opportunity. I for one have gone actively looking and succeeded. The real truth is if you want sex/an affair it really isn't that hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

[phone]

It is both. You fall into it because you aren't looking for it. But then once it is in front of you, the possibility of this affair, yes, you make a million different deliberate decisions to facilitate the affair. No, his dick didn't just fall into her vagina, that is just stupid. They make a decision to make that happen. But they fell into it because they weren't expecting to be in that needy place that allows for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

+1. What a croc psychobabble bs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

[phone]

It is both. You fall into it because you aren't looking for it. But then once it is in front of you, the possibility of this affair, yes, you make a million different deliberate decisions to facilitate the affair. No, his dick didn't just fall into her vagina, that is just stupid. They make a decision to make that happen. But they fell into it because they weren't expecting to be in that needy place that allows for an affair.

People on DCUM are naive if they do not think people actively look for affairs. For many its the hunt that is the real turn on. Usually one is the hunter one is the "victim". The one being hunted has not idea of this deception and believes it "just happened" to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

[phone]

It is both. You fall into it because you aren't looking for it. But then once it is in front of you, the possibility of this affair, yes, you make a million different deliberate decisions to facilitate the affair. No, his dick didn't just fall into her vagina, that is just stupid. They make a decision to make that happen. But they fell into it because they weren't expecting to be in that needy place that allows for an affair.

So, if I am confronted with a sudden unexpected opportunity to do something immoral - shoplift, embezzle, drive off with a car that the owner left running with the keys in it - then I am excused because I just fell into it even though I knew it was wrong and I had to make a positive decision to do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts (most of them) are making me very sad. I'm sorry this has happened to so many people. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Few people "deserve" it.

How I found out... He and I had one argument and I tried to hold out on being the first to apologize. Finally he apologized first about a week after the fight. But things never got better and we went WEEKS without seeing each other. Two months later we finally saw each other and I had hope for things to turn around. But it got worse and worse. I saw Facebook posts on his wall from a woman I'd never heard of before, which was strange because he rarely uses Facebook. No one would ever post on his wall aside from a few buddies. I became so suspicious. Women's intuition is never wrong. We went weeks again without seeing each other. He'd be nice, then horrible the next day. On and off. Dragging me along. I desperately wanted to fix it, and he acted like he did too one minute, then the next was so cold and mean and awful. Finally I convinced him to see me but he just wanted to break up. His excuse was just that things changed and he was over it. I went home and cried all night. The next day, I just had a suspicion and looked at that woman's Facebook. She had just posted a picture of them together, and the caption meant it was from weeks before.

So he was your boyfriend, not your DH. This whole setup sounds juvenile to an extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts (most of them) are making me very sad. I'm sorry this has happened to so many people. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Few people "deserve" it.

How I found out... He and I had one argument and I tried to hold out on being the first to apologize. Finally he apologized first about a week after the fight. But things never got better and we went WEEKS without seeing each other. Two months later we finally saw each other and I had hope for things to turn around. But it got worse and worse. I saw Facebook posts on his wall from a woman I'd never heard of before, which was strange because he rarely uses Facebook. No one would ever post on his wall aside from a few buddies. I became so suspicious. Women's intuition is never wrong. We went weeks again without seeing each other. He'd be nice, then horrible the next day. On and off. Dragging me along. I desperately wanted to fix it, and he acted like he did too one minute, then the next was so cold and mean and awful. Finally I convinced him to see me but he just wanted to break up. His excuse was just that things changed and he was over it. I went home and cried all night. The next day, I just had a suspicion and looked at that woman's Facebook. She had just posted a picture of them together, and the caption meant it was from weeks before.

So you weren't married to the guy? Not really an affair on his part---he wasn't committed to you

[Anonymous]

This is going to sound odd, but I frequently have dreams when things aren't right. For whatever reason my dreams and my reality are closely linked. I tend to be a pretty oblivious (**trusting) person, so something can be happening right underneath my nose and I won't see it, but my dreams alert me to things. No matter how wrong I want them to be they were always accurate with my ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I was brutal, but you're one. Good god. You are steeped in the victim crap, and it's surreal to say your stbx if that's you would testify to your perfection and you are so effing comfortable attacking people who may have had different (less perfect wives? no doubt.) marriages. But I'm sure the stbx will pine for you until he dies, miserable and alone.

Dude. Did you even read her post? She never said she was perfect. She said that her ex admitted that she didn't do anything wrong, and that he cheated anyway.

Which is actually textbook. Most people fall into affairs - they don't go looking for them. It's a crime of opportunity.

Yeah right, they accidentally slip in the corridor and fall on someone and what do you know his peepee is in her hooha.

An affair requires many deliberate decisions, and if it's more than a one-night stand, requires a long-term, planned campaign of deception. Don't give me that "just fell into it" bullshit.

[phone]

It is both. You fall into it because you aren't looking for it. But then once it is in front of you, the possibility of this affair, yes, you make a million different deliberate decisions to facilitate the affair. No, his dick didn't just fall into her vagina, that is just stupid. They make a decision to make that happen. But they fell into it because they weren't expecting to be in that needy place that allows for an affair.

So, if I am confronted with a sudden unexpected opportunity to do something immoral - shoplift, embezzle, drive off with a car that the owner left running with the keys in it - then I am excused because I just fell into it even though I knew it was wrong and I had to make a positive decision to do it anyway.

Nice straw man there. Do you really think that stealing is analogous? Are you breaking a vow you personally made? Stealing anything is not an intimate betrayal, which makes it unlike an affair.

Of course we are all still responsible for our actions. But many affairs - especially ones that have any kind of emotional component - start as developing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This is how affairs with coworkers start: a little conversation, some minor flirting, a small complaint about the spouse, then coffee and lunch dates, and it escalates from there. The person "falling" into an affair justifies the small, non-damaging actions as they go. "It's just coffee. We are just friends. She just gets me." The sex is the culmination of that most of the time - not the beginning. Now, do you think the decision to strike up a conversation with an attractive person is an affair? Is that part of a "planned, long-term campaign of deception"? For most people, the answer is no. They see no harm, because at first there is no harm. Most affairs start innocuously enough. Do long-term affairs require sustained deception, and a conscious decision to lie over and over again? Definitely. But still, the vast majority of people who fall in love with someone outside of their marriage don't set out to do so. That doesn't mean that they are not responsible for their actions. They are still terribly flawed individuals who have done a terrible, damaging thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD14 read her mom's diary and told me. It's been a tough few years.

That's horrible

[Anonymous]

Tesla.

[Anonymous]

Post at 16:13 is correct, thank you. My husband's emotional affair began very slowly over time with a female coworker he worked closely with for several years. Nothing happened until he went on a trip with her and then the deception began with texting, emails, phone calls. After I figured this out and confronted him, it took nearly 2 1/2 years until he was over her. He has worked with many women of all ages and this is the first time this happened. Nothing physical as far as I know, but all of a sudden a spouse's allegiance changes to the other person ! He would constantly be defending her to me. And criticizing me, which he never did before.