Bf doesn't want to get me a nice rock

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The disappointment will not diminish over time. He is proving to you that he has no trouble letting you down. Whether you are upset about his failure to take out trash, budget properly, do his share of housework he is not going to lose any sleep. Ask yourself whether you want to give your forever to someone who is comfortable with inequality and not striving for your happiness. If he wanted you to look a certain way or try to get a certain job I bet you'd try to do that for him. He made you wait for three years after pretending it would be one year, didn't he? Why is he totally okay with you being miserable?

This is ALL about what he is going to do for her.

And I suppose that she will end up splayed fat ass on the couch surfing DCUM complaining about him.

If the size of the ring is such an important bellwether to indicate how much he cares, by what measure is he to determine how much she cares?

Yes, you become bitter if you do the night wakings, most of the baby care, relocate for him, do most of the housework and cooking even when you have similar jobs. You should both be doing a lot for each other. The imbalance is unsustainable after the kids come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF has told me that he can't afford to get me a nice rock even though we have been dating for 4 years and have been talking marriage for 3. I just feel hurt because he could've saved about 7k easily by now but he didn't and now he wants to get me a whatever Rock just because.

Let him buy whatever he wants for you. I assume he isn't splurging for expensive new cars or toys for himself, right?

Frankly the engagement ring is a reflection of the fiance/husband, and your commitment of course. So he's only embarrassing himself if he's selectively being a cheapskate or has some issue with diamonds.

If you want diamond earrings or another diamond ring on your right hand, you can buy that!

Separately, dating for 4 years and speaking about marriage for 3 years sounds AWFUL. Are you sure he's not just throwing out lame excuses and statements in efforts to get you to dump him? Is he passive aggressive like that? Then he can turn around and say XYZ dumped me for something trivial like a small engagement ring, or not wanting to wait 6 more months, or not liking my financial position, or not liking how I leave stale pizza everywhere (even tho it's something you have talked and talked about.)

Having a big engagement ring only proves that he bought you a big engagement ring. It is not a reflection on the commitment or the type of marriage you will have. TBH, if my BF (now DH) bought a big ring that he arguably could not afford, sure I would know he loved me - but I would certainly question marrying a man who could be financially irresponsible like that. It would tell me that this is a guy who is comfortable living above his means and who does not make prudent financial decisions. Anyone who places themselves in financial straits buying a ring is a fool! You show your level of commitment by working towards common goals. If my BF saved up $10,000 for us to buy a house, he is my man. If he expects me to live in an apartment for the first few years while sporting a $10,000 ring, we would need to have a serious talk about where this was going.

I think OP has other reasons to be concerned - as you said, I am not sure this guy wants to marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you guys um.. have a good relationship? Good communication? Because right now neither of you sound particularly giving or communicative. Granted this is based on a couple of lines of text regarding a single issue but a marriage isn't actually about a ring.

Exactly. A marriage is about working together to create the life you both want. What things have you not done for him, OP? How have you let him down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The disappointment will not diminish over time. He is proving to you that he has no trouble letting you down. Whether you are upset about his failure to take out trash, budget properly, do his share of housework he is not going to lose any sleep. Ask yourself whether you want to give your forever to someone who is comfortable with inequality and not striving for your happiness. If he wanted you to look a certain way or try to get a certain job I bet you'd try to do that for him. He made you wait for three years after pretending it would be one year, didn't he? Why is he totally okay with you being miserable?

This is ALL about what he is going to do for her.

And I suppose that she will end up splayed fat ass on the couch surfing DCUM complaining about him.

If the size of the ring is such an important bellwether to indicate how much he cares, by what measure is he to determine how much she cares?

Yes, you become bitter if you do the night wakings, most of the baby care, relocate for him, do most of the housework and cooking even when you have similar jobs. You should both be doing a lot for each other. The imbalance is unsustainable after the kids come.

Sounds like projection - but wouldn't you feel bitter anyways? Or are you saying that $15,000 engagement ring makes it all better?

[Anonymous]

No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 k on a ring? 500$ wasn't enough?
I don't understand some of you women. These expectations for rings are egotistical.

Signed, a woman, who would never pressure or even ask for any jewelry that expensive.

Agreed. And I want to know why the woman isn't saving up for marriage and a ring. What? It's all the guy's responsibility? That's not how grown ups operate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

In your case, the ring would be worth it if that would induce you to shut your yap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The disappointment will not diminish over time. He is proving to you that he has no trouble letting you down. Whether you are upset about his failure to take out trash, budget properly, do his share of housework he is not going to lose any sleep. Ask yourself whether you want to give your forever to someone who is comfortable with inequality and not striving for your happiness. If he wanted you to look a certain way or try to get a certain job I bet you'd try to do that for him. He made you wait for three years after pretending it would be one year, didn't he? Why is he totally okay with you being miserable?

This is ALL about what he is going to do for her.

And I suppose that she will end up splayed fat ass on the couch surfing DCUM complaining about him.

If the size of the ring is such an important bellwether to indicate how much he cares, by what measure is he to determine how much she cares?

Yes, you become bitter if you do the night wakings, most of the baby care, relocate for him, do most of the housework and cooking even when you have similar jobs. You should both be doing a lot for each other. The imbalance is unsustainable after the kids come.

Sounds like projection - but wouldn't you feel bitter anyways? Or are you saying that $15,000 engagement ring makes it all better?

Exactly! What, all that occurs and you just gaze a ring and POOF! All better! WTF....

[Anonymous]

I think you have the right idea here. There is much more to a marriage than the "ring" and the wedding OP. Maybe find someone else who wants to get married and will buy you more of the ring you want.

Anonymous wrote:OP - just leave the dude. It is clear that you two are not compatible. And like others said, it is only going to get worse. I am not judging you at all. You guys just have different priorities. Once you are bound by marriage and cannot leave easily, it will only make you more resentful. Roll out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

On the macro level, I get what you are saying. But having grown up in a house where my father would have bought that ring for my mom, but we would have struggled to keep the lights on a month later, I am just wired differently. Because the way to keep me "happy" is to make sure I am financially secure and not stressed about money. So I get THAT part of it - striving for your SO's happiness. But the ring seems like an odd place to pick your battle when you are just BF/GF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 k on a ring? 500$ wasn't enough?
I don't understand some of you women. These expectations for rings are egotistical.

Signed, a woman, who would never pressure or even ask for any jewelry that expensive.

Agreed. And I want to know why the woman isn't saving up for marriage and a ring. What? It's all the guy's responsibility? That's not how grown ups operate.

Bitter PP here. I paid for half of our wedding costs (20K) and could easily have bought myself the ring. Said earlier that DH has since bought nice pieces but who cares? At 41 I want nice *** instead of nice material things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

In your case, the ring would be worth it if that would induce you to shut your yap.

I think DH made the right decision in the end. He showed me his true nature, I was too dumb to take the hint. Buying the ring would have been a waste, anyway, because nothing will ever induce me to shut my yap, which he probably knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

On the macro level, I get what you are saying. But having grown up in a house where my father would have bought that ring for my mom, but we would have struggled to keep the lights on a month later, I am just wired differently. Because the way to keep me "happy" is to make sure I am financially secure and not stressed about money. So I get THAT part of it - striving for your SO's happiness. But the ring seems like an odd place to pick your battle when you are just BF/GF.

Too bad your dad's taken. He sounds attractive.

[Anonymous]

What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get.
The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth?

But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me.

[Anonymous]

No, if she wants to honeymoon in Mongolia he should be trying to help her get there. And vice versa. It's willingness to stretch for the other.