Yes, you become bitter if you do the night wakings, most of the baby care, relocate for him, do most of the housework and cooking even when you have similar jobs. You should both be doing a lot for each other. The imbalance is unsustainable after the kids come. |
Having a big engagement ring only proves that he bought you a big engagement ring. It is not a reflection on the commitment or the type of marriage you will have. TBH, if my BF (now DH) bought a big ring that he arguably could not afford, sure I would know he loved me - but I would certainly question marrying a man who could be financially irresponsible like that. It would tell me that this is a guy who is comfortable living above his means and who does not make prudent financial decisions. Anyone who places themselves in financial straits buying a ring is a fool! You show your level of commitment by working towards common goals. If my BF saved up $10,000 for us to buy a house, he is my man. If he expects me to live in an apartment for the first few years while sporting a $10,000 ring, we would need to have a serious talk about where this was going. I think OP has other reasons to be concerned - as you said, I am not sure this guy wants to marry her. |
Exactly. A marriage is about working together to create the life you both want. What things have you not done for him, OP? How have you let him down? |
Sounds like projection - but wouldn't you feel bitter anyways? Or are you saying that $15,000 engagement ring makes it all better? |
No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants. |
Agreed. And I want to know why the woman isn't saving up for marriage and a ring. What? It's all the guy's responsibility? That's not how grown ups operate. |
In your case, the ring would be worth it if that would induce you to shut your yap. |
Exactly! What, all that occurs and you just gaze a ring and POOF! All better! WTF.... |
I think you have the right idea here. There is much more to a marriage than the "ring" and the wedding OP. Maybe find someone else who wants to get married and will buy you more of the ring you want.
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On the macro level, I get what you are saying. But having grown up in a house where my father would have bought that ring for my mom, but we would have struggled to keep the lights on a month later, I am just wired differently. Because the way to keep me "happy" is to make sure I am financially secure and not stressed about money. So I get THAT part of it - striving for your SO's happiness. But the ring seems like an odd place to pick your battle when you are just BF/GF. |
Bitter PP here. I paid for half of our wedding costs (20K) and could easily have bought myself the ring. Said earlier that DH has since bought nice pieces but who cares? At 41 I want nice *** instead of nice material things. |
I think DH made the right decision in the end. He showed me his true nature, I was too dumb to take the hint. Buying the ring would have been a waste, anyway, because nothing will ever induce me to shut my yap, which he probably knew. |
Too bad your dad's taken. He sounds attractive. |
What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get. The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth? But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me. |
No, if she wants to honeymoon in Mongolia he should be trying to help her get there. And vice versa. It's willingness to stretch for the other. |