Bf doesn't want to get me a nice rock

[Anonymous]

These discussions are like broken records. Some people value a big ring. Some people don't. If OP values a big ring and her boyfriend doesn't, that's either a sign that they are fundamentally incompatible or it's a sign that 10 years down the road she'll still be annoyed he doesn't notice when she gets a haircut - either a big thing or a small thing.

OP: are you guys happy outside of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The disappointment will not diminish over time. He is proving to you that he has no trouble letting you down. Whether you are upset about his failure to take out trash, budget properly, do his share of housework he is not going to lose any sleep. Ask yourself whether you want to give your forever to someone who is comfortable with inequality and not striving for your happiness. If he wanted you to look a certain way or try to get a certain job I bet you'd try to do that for him. He made you wait for three years after pretending it would be one year, didn't he? Why is he totally okay with you being miserable?

Holy exaggeration, Batman!

If OP is miserable because her bf isn't shelling out five figures on a ring, that's all on her. I'm willing to bet she hasn't been saving up for an engagement gift for him. She wants a shiny, expensive thing. He either can't afford it (which is what he says, but she doesn't believe him, which is it's own problem) or it isn't that important to him. He either knows that this is incredibly important to her, or she just expected him to know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get.
The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth?

But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me.

Right on. I do at least 75% of the work. At least I've had a gorgeous ring for the past 20 years. Seems easier to be an equal partner but he's simply not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF has told me that he can't afford to get me a nice rock even though we have been dating for 4 years and have been talking marriage for 3. I just feel hurt because he could've saved about 7k easily by now but he didn't and now he wants to get me a whatever Rock just because.

Let him buy whatever he wants for you. I assume he isn't splurging for expensive new cars or toys for himself, right?

Frankly the engagement ring is a reflection of the fiance/husband, and your commitment of course. So he's only embarrassing himself if he's selectively being a cheapskate or has some issue with diamonds.

If you want diamond earrings or another diamond ring on your right hand, you can buy that!

Separately, dating for 4 years and speaking about marriage for 3 years sounds AWFUL. Are you sure he's not just throwing out lame excuses and statements in efforts to get you to dump him? Is he passive aggressive like that? Then he can turn around and say XYZ dumped me for something trivial like a small engagement ring, or not wanting to wait 6 more months, or not liking my financial position, or not liking how I leave stale pizza everywhere (even tho it's something you have talked and talked about.)

OP here. Yes. He started talking about wanting babies with me around the one year mark and I was super excited! I couldn't wait and expected an engagement at least by the end of the year...December came and went and no engagement.

And now we're going to have been dating for 4 years this June and only now he's like you should tell your father about how serious we are so we can get married.

At this point, I frankly feel...just...let down and disappointed. He also says how he can't afford to get me a big ring, just so I know and I'm not disappointed.

Who says that??

He doesn't want to marry you. I gave my BF an ultimatum after we were in our 30s and had been together 3 years. I said, don't marry me if you don't want, but I'm tired of waiting around for you. Proposal three months later, married almost 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women who demand expensive rings are defining themselves as expensive whores.

Interesting. In exchange for a $10K ring, my then fiancé got to live in a house that I purchased with the downpayment I had saved for, a wedding financed by my parents and a net worth of $195,000 after I paid off all his school debt. And I'm 3 years younger than he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get.
The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth?

But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me.

Right on. I do at least 75% of the work. At least I've had a gorgeous ring for the past 20 years. Seems easier to be an equal partner but he's simply not.

I'd rather do the 25% and not have a rock Bitches be crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That Atlantic article is woefully out of date. For one thing, De Beers doesn't have a monopoly. Diamond prices are subject to a free market. A free market that values them still highly.

I'm not an economist, but I somehow doubt a free market would be able to sustain the 200%+ markup on jewelry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would feel bitter anyway but DH's refusal to buy the ring was an important first clue that I ignored. He wanted to use the money for the down payment on a condo, now paid off. Ten condos would not change the life we've had together, financially sound investments though they might be. If I had it to do over again I'd choose someone who cared more about making me happy. Even if OP's BF can't buy the ring now he should want to work toward that in some fashion at some point because that is what she wants.

There is no way in hell you would be happy pinching pennies with a less practical but more "romantic" dude You may think so, because the grass is always greener, but honey, them condos are what really keeps you happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get.
The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth?

But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me.

Right on. I do at least 75% of the work. At least I've had a gorgeous ring for the past 20 years. Seems easier to be an equal partner but he's simply not.

I'd rather do the 25% and not have a rock Bitches be crazy.

That's not an option for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had thousands in the bank but spent 500 ducats on a pearl ring with tiny diamonds. He has since bought other nice jewelry but it leaves me cold. I never spend more than five euros on any accessory now and we are not poor. In ten years your tastes change. What doesn't change is the memory of DH putting his priorities and wishes above yours. The ring is not about the money. OP should leave him.

OP should leave him, because he doesn't want to marry her. She's been strung long enough. Good luck finding a dude who will cater to her every whim. Also, cats are available for adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF has told me that he can't afford to get me a nice rock even though we have been dating for 4 years and have been talking marriage for 3. I just feel hurt because he could've saved about 7k easily by now but he didn't and now he wants to get me a whatever Rock just because.

Let him buy whatever he wants for you. I assume he isn't splurging for expensive new cars or toys for himself, right?

Frankly the engagement ring is a reflection of the fiance/husband, and your commitment of course. So he's only embarrassing himself if he's selectively being a cheapskate or has some issue with diamonds.

If you want diamond earrings or another diamond ring on your right hand, you can buy that!

Separately, dating for 4 years and speaking about marriage for 3 years sounds AWFUL. Are you sure he's not just throwing out lame excuses and statements in efforts to get you to dump him? Is he passive aggressive like that? Then he can turn around and say XYZ dumped me for something trivial like a small engagement ring, or not wanting to wait 6 more months, or not liking my financial position, or not liking how I leave stale pizza everywhere (even tho it's something you have talked and talked about.)

OP here. Yes. He started talking about wanting babies with me around the one year mark and I was super excited! I couldn't wait and expected an engagement at least by the end of the year...December came and went and no engagement.

And now we're going to have been dating for 4 years this June and only now he's like you should tell your father about how serious we are so we can get married.

At this point, I frankly feel...just...let down and disappointed. He also says how he can't afford to get me a big ring, just so I know and I'm not disappointed.

Who says that??

Thanks.
So if you are on the marriage track you need to talk about your VALUES, your FINANCIALs, your DEBTS, your GOALS, your PARENTING STYLES, etc.
Weave that in while you are dating.
If all of that stuff is good, just get married, screw the rings. You will be ahead of everyone that just had fun dating, got a bigger ring, got married and then realized they F'd up and married the entirely wrong PERSON.

Do your diligence on the person, not the ring. You can always buy a nice ring and if you truly married a compatible partner, that will be an achieveable joint goal.

P.S. Him telling you to tell his father is NOT the same as proposing. WHere is the proposal? That does not need to include a ring, or a big production - it can take place in your living room on a Wednesday night. Are you SURE he is not just dragging his feet, the opposite direction????????????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The disappointment will not diminish over time. He is proving to you that he has no trouble letting you down. Whether you are upset about his failure to take out trash, budget properly, do his share of housework he is not going to lose any sleep. Ask yourself whether you want to give your forever to someone who is comfortable with inequality and not striving for your happiness. If he wanted you to look a certain way or try to get a certain job I bet you'd try to do that for him. He made you wait for three years after pretending it would be one year, didn't he? Why is he totally okay with you being miserable?

He needs to talk with all his engaged and married friends, stat.
That will enlighten him.
He seems unaware and uninformed. Hopefully he is not that way about everything in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BF has told me that he can't afford to get me a nice rock even though we have been dating for 4 years and have been talking marriage for 3. I just feel hurt because he could've saved about 7k easily by now but he didn't and now he wants to get me a whatever Rock just because.

Let him buy whatever he wants for you. I assume he isn't splurging for expensive new cars or toys for himself, right?

Frankly the engagement ring is a reflection of the fiance/husband, and your commitment of course. So he's only embarrassing himself if he's selectively being a cheapskate or has some issue with diamonds.

If you want diamond earrings or another diamond ring on your right hand, you can buy that!

Separately, dating for 4 years and speaking about marriage for 3 years sounds AWFUL. Are you sure he's not just throwing out lame excuses and statements in efforts to get you to dump him? Is he passive aggressive like that? Then he can turn around and say XYZ dumped me for something trivial like a small engagement ring, or not wanting to wait 6 more months, or not liking my financial position, or not liking how I leave stale pizza everywhere (even tho it's something you have talked and talked about.)

Really? I actually have observed the opposite. Some men can easily throw money around. And if they find a woman who is easily appeased/pleased by things, they see that as an easy way to be able to do whatever they want so long as they can afford to buy expensive things.

And that's fine. That arrangement works for some couples. But expensive gifts (and that's exactly what a rock is) isn't a sign of commitment or dedication or love. It's just an expensive gift.

Dating for 4 years and talking about marriage for 3 isn't a bad thing. It's prudent. Perhaps OP's BF has noticed that she might be a little shallow or materialistic, and he wanted to wait to really see if she wants to be with him or if she's just looking for a husband in general (and apparently one who will spend a lot of money on her).

Did OP communicate 3 years ago to BF that a nice engagement ring is important to her? Did she plan on contributing? How about things her BF wants? Has she saved for anything specifically for him? I mean, I'm sure she'll say she's saved for a wedding, but that is something she was saving for herself if BF doesn't care about big weddings.

Marriage is so much more than a ring. Have OP and BF talked about shared goals -- financial and otherwise? Because it sounds like they haven't. And honestly, that's important to work out before getting married.

I don't understand why people approach marriage the way they do. I don't understand why women get upset about rings. It's just foolish.

Due needs to look around his office, look around the restaurant, look around the meeting at all the women's engagement rings and get a clue.
Has he made a statement that he doesn't like jewelery, or flashy things, or western culture? Not to my knowledge. In fact, he may be being hurtful on purpose! He needs to explain himself to OP, if he truly wants to get engaged to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I'm getting from this whole thread is - once children come along women do most of the work so a ring
worth a nice chunk of change reminds you how much your partner values you. It's antiquated but, that, I get.
The reality is things are not equal. So, might as well have a pretty ring to show people your worth?

But, maybe I still don't understand the concept. It's just jewelry (metal and stones) to me.

Right on. I do at least 75% of the work. At least I've had a gorgeous ring for the past 20 years. Seems easier to be an equal partner but he's simply not.

I'd rather do the 25% and not have a rock Bitches be crazy.

That's not an option for me.

You are in the majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How sad, women finding worth in a piece of jewelry, acting like you're somehow "better" because of a ring on your finger. OP, wait until your relationship is tested with deaths in the family, chronic illnesses, moves across the country, kids, etc. and then see what that stupid ring means to you or the concept of what it means to be married. It's a non-issue.

What does it say about a potential spouse though, that he just ignores your wants?

Well, I ignore my 6-year-old's whines about she "wants" too. What you're doing is stomping your feet and throwing a good old fashioned temper tantrum often seen in the aisles of Toys R Us. If you want a certain ring, you buy it yourself. Seriously, my 6-year-old understands that concept.

+1000.