Social/career implications of buying a beach house for SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I remember you - you had a couple of long posts during and after the storm about living in some way-out VA suburb and disliking your neighbors, right? I think this was one of them: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/529080.page

If that's the case, I think the PP who asked what you're running away from is spot on. I don't know what the best solution is, but I don't think a beach house is going to fix what's bothering you. My own experience is that if you're unhappy and feel alienated and lonely, you have a couple of choices, none of which are mutually exclusive: get busy with something that takes your mind off your dissatisfaction; get some professional help (therapy, meds, yoga, whatever) to give you a greater sense of peace with your life; and/or make a concerted effort to find people to connect with.

Oh yeah, and try to count your blessings; if all you have to worry about it some cranky neighbors, you're really lucky. Someday you may confront some real problems, and you're going to look back and wonder why you spent so much time feeling unhappy with your life when things were good.

Fwiw, we have a family beach house, which we mostly love for its familiarity, but if you have angst at home, you'll have angst at a beach house. Time to work on what's really bothering you rather than just house hunt your way out of the problem.

I remember that thread - if this was OP (and there are a lot of similarities), then I feel even more strongly that she should not be buying a beach house now. OP, you need to address your happiness and situation at home first. If you buy a beach house, it won't fix the problems with your current neighborhood and in fact will make you feel more alienated at home (which is where you primarily will be for the next 15-20 years) because you will miss out on many opportunities to connect locally. I do think your situation will change once your kids are in school - I'm unclear why you can't find a playground or rec center for toddler classes in the Herndon area (it doesn't need to be right in your neighborhood), but for sure once your kids are in school these opportunities to connect with other parents will come up and if you are out of town every weekend then you will miss them.

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it would be better to take a loss on your house & move locally than put $300k into a house your use maybe 1/4 of the year.

OP here. We put 200K into renovations on this house, and we over-improved for the neighborhood, my husband says we could only sell for about 50 K more than we paid for the house, so we would be losing about 100K when realtors fees and closing costs are taken into account. He does not want to lose this money nor does he want to go through the hassle of moving especially with young kids. He also likes the location in general and has very specific requirements for his commute (his commute is currently 45 minutes each way and he doesn't want that to increase). I like the location in general too, but I don't like our neighborhood at all. Also he doesn't want to downsize and move to an older house, which we would end up doing if we moved closer in to his job. Overall he is very against the idea of moving. He is also against the idea of leaving the area and moving to a new area with lower cost of living. We live here in the DC area, in a distant suburb. We just have no ties/sense of community here. It bothers me every day, and it doesn't bother him at all because he's never home. I feel like he just doesn't understand how much our lack of community bothers me because he's not a SAHP. We're in a non-walkable area, so have to drive to everything, and there are no kids in our neighborhood, just empty nesters mainly. Neighbors are unfriendly and downright nasty towards us. I'd love to move but he is not willing to. Hence, the beach house would appear to be a good compromise.

You absolutely cannot afford to buy a beach house. You need to save this money or pay down a substantial portion of equity on your current residence. You also may need to consider getting a job.

what do you base this on? You know nothing about their finances. Maybe their HHI is a million a year. The fact that the husband doesn't want to lose money on selling a house has nothing to do with their income or purchasing power for a second house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your realtor at the beach should be able to tell you about the social dynamics of any particular neighborhood or even of a particular block in a neighborhood. Ours was very helpful in this regard.

At the beach you have 3 different type of situations with regards to homes:

1)owners who rent the house out weekly
2)second home owners who live there all summer or a good portion of the summer.
3)year rounders

You want an area of primarily second home owners.

OP here. Why don't we want a neighborhood of year rounders? Why is that not as good as summer owners? I would think that a neighborhood of year rounders would make it easier to make new friends and really become a part of the community.

+1 Other PP here. Our beach house is about 1/2 year round people - who help the caretaker keep watch on our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your realtor at the beach should be able to tell you about the social dynamics of any particular neighborhood or even of a particular block in a neighborhood. Ours was very helpful in this regard.

At the beach you have 3 different type of situations with regards to homes:

1)owners who rent the house out weekly
2)second home owners who live there all summer or a good portion of the summer.
3)year rounders

You want an area of primarily second home owners.

OP here. Why don't we want a neighborhood of year rounders? Why is that not as good as summer owners? I would think that a neighborhood of year rounders would make it easier to make new friends and really become a part of the community.

+1 Other PP here. Our beach house is about 1/2 year round people - who help the caretaker keep watch on our house.

We lived in a neighborhood with about 1/2 year rounders and they tended to want to socialize with each other and not with the summer people. Events like the neighborhood picnic, annual meeting, etc were scheduled for fall or spring. Plus the year rounders were mostly retirees, so didn't have young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait- you SAH and think that a beach house will impact your career? I'm all for staying at home- but it's not a career.

Unless you are still pretending that you are going to head back to work. You won't. No one would if they didn't have to.

Not true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

You can hire a packing and moving company. We probably have a lower HHI than you (300k) and still have done this for our last couple of moves. We both work FT and have young kids and couldn't take much time off, so not much time to pack. It was so worth it, and not super expensive.

Where do your husband's colleagues live? Perhaps they can suggest neighborhoods close to Arlington.

Also, have you shared with your husband how deeply unhappy you are? Perhaps that would help sway him towards considering a move.

Finally, I think many young families prefer closer in these days. We lived further out in MoCo for a bit--out neighborhood was all retirees, and I didn't see that changing anytime soon. We decided to buy closer to work in DC and we're so glad we did-- tons of young families around. Anyway, you may have to reconcile your desire for land/turn-key home with your desire for social connection with families in a similar stage of life--which deserves more weight? Only you/your family can say for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

False thinking. If you over-improved, the money is already lost. It doesn't matter whether you stay or go. Sunk costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your realtor at the beach should be able to tell you about the social dynamics of any particular neighborhood or even of a particular block in a neighborhood. Ours was very helpful in this regard.

At the beach you have 3 different type of situations with regards to homes:

1)owners who rent the house out weekly
2)second home owners who live there all summer or a good portion of the summer.
3)year rounders

You want an area of primarily second home owners.

OP here. Why don't we want a neighborhood of year rounders? Why is that not as good as summer owners? I would think that a neighborhood of year rounders would make it easier to make new friends and really become a part of the community.

+1 Other PP here. Our beach house is about 1/2 year round people - who help the caretaker keep watch on our house.

We lived in a neighborhood with about 1/2 year rounders and they tended to want to socialize with each other and not with the summer people. Events like the neighborhood picnic, annual meeting, etc were scheduled for fall or spring. Plus the year rounders were mostly retirees, so didn't have young children.

Other PP here. Our year rounders are original owners and very kind, down to earth people. They give free reign to their kids (our ages) and grandkids (our kids ages). We have lots of community involement, without persnickety pettiness found in some places (thankfully, it is just not that kind of place!). I realize thid is very rare. We found the community through other friends we know well.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why you don't want to be in Arlington, which would be what you want (at least many neighborhoods) but what about Falls Church City? It's very community focused here. You can't go anywhere in town without running into people you know through your kids' schools, soccer teams, neighborhood, etc.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and DH need to really sit and talk (possibly with a therapist). It sounds like he doesn't really care how unhappy you are. You also may need to make some compromises on what you want in a house. You can't have it all. But a beach house will not solve any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you and DH need to really sit and talk (possibly with a therapist). It sounds like he doesn't really care how unhappy you are. You also may need to make some compromises on what you want in a house. You can't have it all. But a beach house will not solve any of this.

Yes. You need to try and understand why your husband isn't supportive. There are always two sides to the story. He may need an opportunity to express his true thoughts about a move, beach house etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

Cape Cod (that's why we don't use it much in the off season).

+1

Shhhhh! There are enough VA/DC/MD plates! Let them go to the nasty OBX!

The people are very different in NE, and if you were not born and raised your entire life there, don't bother. I know one family who never got over their rejection there ("it was them", trust me) and carry it as a colossally enormous chip on their shoulder. Awfully traumatizing for them, as it turns out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

You just described my neighborhood but it's in Potomac.