Social/career implications of buying a beach house for SAHM

[Anonymous]

You plan on being with your husband one weekend a month and a few full weeks a year? This isn't a marriage. He's your bankroll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

This is an incredibly dramatic statement and you need to gain some perspective. Do you know how many people would love to have your house and would happily live there even if people picketed on the the front lawn each morning?

You can't gain your happiness from your neighbors or your house. A house is home but it's mainly just a place to live and store your possessions. It's nice to have a beautiful home but I think you're trying to turn your home into something it's not.

You most likely are uncomfortable with your life and the choices you have made. Or yourself. Get some help and figure out what the real issue is. It's not your house and it's not about a beach house or whatnot.

+1

Well said. OP, I could see if the neighborhood doesn't fit you, but if you seem to think it is always you (you and your husband) - then maybe it is. Wait on the beach house, until you determine the issue. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it would be better to take a loss on your house & move locally than put $300k into a house your use maybe 1/4 of the year.

OP here. We put 200K into renovations on this house, and we over-improved for the neighborhood, my husband says we could only sell for about 50 K more than we paid for the house, so we would be losing about 100K when realtors fees and closing costs are taken into account. He does not want to lose this money nor does he want to go through the hassle of moving especially with young kids. He also likes the location in general and has very specific requirements for his commute (his commute is currently 45 minutes each way and he doesn't want that to increase). I like the location in general too, but I don't like our neighborhood at all. Also he doesn't want to downsize and move to an older house, which we would end up doing if we moved closer in to his job. Overall he is very against the idea of moving. He is also against the idea of leaving the area and moving to a new area with lower cost of living. We live here in the DC area, in a distant suburb. We just have no ties/sense of community here. It bothers me every day, and it doesn't bother him at all because he's never home. I feel like he just doesn't understand how much our lack of community bothers me because he's not a SAHP. We're in a non-walkable area, so have to drive to everything, and there are no kids in our neighborhood, just empty nesters mainly. Neighbors are unfriendly and downright nasty towards us. I'd love to move but he is not willing to. Hence, the beach house would appear to be a good compromise.

+1

Renovations are more often a terrible idea (than not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

This is an incredibly dramatic statement and you need to gain some perspective. Do you know how many people would love to have your house and would happily live there even if people picketed on the the front lawn each morning?

You can't gain your happiness from your neighbors or your house. A house is home but it's mainly just a place to live and store your possessions. It's nice to have a beautiful home but I think you're trying to turn your home into something it's not.

You most likely are uncomfortable with your life and the choices you have made. Or yourself. Get some help and figure out what the real issue is. It's not your house and it's not about a beach house or whatnot.

+1

Well said. OP, I could see if the neighborhood doesn't fit you, but if you seem to think it is always you (you and your husband) - then maybe it is. Wait on the beach house, until you determine the issue. GL.

I agree with this. The neighbors don't like you, the school parents don't like you, the mommy and me parents don't like you - figure out what's going on there first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

Reston or Vienna. We're in Reston right now and love it. Tons of SAHMs and neighborhood activities, pools, playgrounds, etc. Lots of fun families.

+1

I have heard great things about both Reston and Vienna. The moms seem really down to earth, interesting and kind (not persnickety and petty, like some other close in NVA suburbs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

This is an incredibly dramatic statement and you need to gain some perspective. Do you know how many people would love to have your house and would happily live there even if people picketed on the the front lawn each morning?

You can't gain your happiness from your neighbors or your house. A house is home but it's mainly just a place to live and store your possessions. It's nice to have a beautiful home but I think you're trying to turn your home into something it's not.

You most likely are uncomfortable with your life and the choices you have made. Or yourself. Get some help and figure out what the real issue is. It's not your house and it's not about a beach house or whatnot.

+1

Well said. OP, I could see if the neighborhood doesn't fit you, but if you seem to think it is always you (you and your husband) - then maybe it is. Wait on the beach house, until you determine the issue. GL.

I agree with this. The neighbors don't like you, the school parents don't like you, the mommy and me parents don't like you - figure out what's going on there first.

OP, are you gossipy, petty or self absorbed (Queen Bee-ish)? Moms don't like that, and you will get an unshakable negative reputation. In our neighborhood, everyone knows who that is. People are nice to their face, but only because they don't want to be next on their target list. Kind of sad, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take your $1M + 300k and move somewhere better.

Example:
https://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/1615-N-McKinley-Rd-22205/home/11238525

Walkable to Westover. Very family friendly. TONS of families. Great schools. DH's commute is significantly cut down so maybe more time together.

Maybe need to compromise on house aesthetics a bit, but it's all updated and plenty of space.

+1

Westover is a great area, OP! You would find more moms in common than not. (Instead of your current neighborhood that seems like mostly original owners - that would be hard for anyone!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

Cape Cod (that's why we don't use it much in the off season).

+1

Shhhhh! There are enough VA/DC/MD plates! Let them go to the nasty OBX!

The people are very different in NE, and if you were not born and raised your entire life there, don't bother. I know one family who never got over their rejection there ("it was them", trust me) and carry it as a colossally enormous chip on their shoulder. Awfully traumatizing for them, as it turns out.

Actually we aren't from NE and have had no problem making friends in the neighborhood.

+1

Thought so!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

Cape Cod (that's why we don't use it much in the off season).

+1

Shhhhh! There are enough VA/DC/MD plates! Let them go to the nasty OBX!

The people are very different in NE, and if you were not born and raised your entire life there, don't bother. I know one family who never got over their rejection there ("it was them", trust me) and carry it as a colossally enormous chip on their shoulder. Awfully traumatizing for them, as it turns out.

It isn't 1950. People in New England are just like the ones around here. Some are friendly. Some are snobs. Some are social clinbers. Some are already there.

Wanna bet? Sounds like you would love to think so! You seem like you have never been anywhere near NE.

[Anonymous]

Mmmmm -- I would worry about your husband straying OP. That old saying "when the cat's away"... has some veracity to it. If you don't mind an open marriage ... go for it...but if not, don't make it easy on dh to find someone else. You might lose the beach house for God's sake.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To clarify, the neighbors with the loud music were leaving it on 24/7--they both work full-time and have no kids or pets. So not only was it on all night but also all day when they were at work. They also refused to turn it off when we complained about it to them. It was only after we got the HOA president involved who told them that this is against HOA rules that they turned it off. Maybe they were just clueless but to me I think they were being rude and inconsiderate to do this, especially after we told them it was bothering us and asked them to turn it off. This just one of the many examples of the inconsiderateness of our neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, the neighbors with the loud music were leaving it on 24/7--they both work full-time and have no kids or pets. So not only was it on all night but also all day when they were at work. They also refused to turn it off when we complained about it to them. It was only after we got the HOA president involved who told them that this is against HOA rules that they turned it off. Maybe they were just clueless but to me I think they were being rude and inconsiderate to do this, especially after we told them it was bothering us and asked them to turn it off. This just one of the many examples of the inconsiderateness of our neighbors.

Are you going to respond to any of the other posts, OP? You sound ridiculously tone-deaf. Why do you think NO ONE seems to like you, no matter what group you're in?

[Anonymous]

You keep buying more and more status symbols but they keep leaving you feeling more and more empty as each one fails to bring you real happiness. A beach house will be one more disappointment. The problem lies within.

How 2 adults and 2 kids under age 3 in a 4500 SF house leaves you feeling cramped is a big red flag, OP. I would discuss all these things with your therapist. It sounds like you need more meaning in your life. Good luck.