Social/career implications of buying a beach house for SAHM

[Anonymous]

I am from an area about 2 hours from NC beaches and knew many people who owned beach houses. I personally would rent a beach house in an area you could afford to buy and see how you like it, before you jump in and buy.

Some people love them, stay there a lot during the summer, and even use them all year round, celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas there, etc... They keep them until they retire and then stay there all summer, and then their kids come stay, and then the grandkids come stay. Others, have the houses for a couple of years and just find it is stressful for them and full of maintainance problems.

It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to really like and enjoy a beach house! I would try to rent one in an area you would like to buy, during your vacation, and evaluate the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your realtor at the beach should be able to tell you about the social dynamics of any particular neighborhood or even of a particular block in a neighborhood. Ours was very helpful in this regard.

At the beach you have 3 different type of situations with regards to homes:

1)owners who rent the house out weekly
2)second home owners who live there all summer or a good portion of the summer.
3)year rounders

You want an area of primarily second home owners.

OP here. Why don't we want a neighborhood of year rounders? Why is that not as good as summer owners? I would think that a neighborhood of year rounders would make it easier to make new friends and really become a part of the community.

you know, after i typed that I thought that perhaps i shouldn't have.
The areas of primarily "year-rounders" at our beach tend to be older and most established with their local friendships. We were aiming for an area of people who were in our position--from out of town but wanting to connect with people locally for the summer.
What you mainly want to avoid is areas that are entirely weekly rentals. Where we bought there are areas that are known for this. The entire blocks turn over at between 11am and 2pm each Saturdays. Sometimes it's better to be farther from the beach in this regard.
The second homers and year rounders usually live further out.
Again, good luck. Do what's right for your family. You'll find a LOT of strong opinions about this online but you just have to sift out what works for you. There are lots of happy second home owners.

[Anonymous]

I do not own a beach house, so I will not pretend to know what that entails. However, I am a SAHM, and you should know that your life will be much less lonely once your kids are in preschool and then elementary school. Pick a social preschool, and even if you don't make best friends, you will be interacting with adults much more often. You can start volunteering to run things at the school or be on the PTA. Your kids will start playing sports or having other activities (gym, dance, scouts, martial arts, whatever), and you will be seeing other parents there.

If you want a beach house to spend time with your family outside the hustle of life here, great. It sounds like some people love having a beach house. But if you are wanting it because you are lonely, I would think that packing up the kids to go to the beach by yourself with them would be particularly lonely and isolating. You will be taking yourself AWAY from the activities around here where you would be interacting with others, and going to place where you are alone with your kids (at least the times you go without DH).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me save you trouble: you are a SAHM with money. DC is all about competition and comparison, and right now, 99% of the jealous bitches on this site think you are better than them. Get ready for the attacks.

+1

Amen. The jealous b*tches will claim you *think* you are better than them - no matter what you say or don't say. Just be prepared for that.

As far as the beach house, if you have the money, use it- you can't take it with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your realtor at the beach should be able to tell you about the social dynamics of any particular neighborhood or even of a particular block in a neighborhood. Ours was very helpful in this regard.

At the beach you have 3 different type of situations with regards to homes:

1)owners who rent the house out weekly
2)second home owners who live there all summer or a good portion of the summer.
3)year rounders

You want an area of primarily second home owners.

OP here. Why don't we want a neighborhood of year rounders? Why is that not as good as summer owners? I would think that a neighborhood of year rounders would make it easier to make new friends and really become a part of the community.

you know, after i typed that I thought that perhaps i shouldn't have.
The areas of primarily "year-rounders" at our beach tend to be older and most established with their local friendships. We were aiming for an area of people who were in our position--from out of town but wanting to connect with people locally for the summer.
What you mainly want to avoid is areas that are entirely weekly rentals. Where we bought there are areas that are known for this. The entire blocks turn over at between 11am and 2pm each Saturdays. Sometimes it's better to be farther from the beach in this regard.
The second homers and year rounders usually live further out.
Again, good luck. Do what's right for your family. You'll find a LOT of strong opinions about this online but you just have to sift out what works for you. There are lots of happy second home owners.

If we had to choose, we are closest to number 2 that PP stated above, OP.

We sometimes rent out our beach house, if it is people we know or who have rented it before, and we know they aren't irresponsible in any way (we take a hefty rent and hefty deposit, to ensure the people aren't crazy partying drunks, or something outrageous.) For the most part, we enjoy it as much of the summer as possible, usually a few weeks. For the most part, when the kids get older, there are too many other priorities for them. We plan to retire there, but who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that people who don't have beach houses sure do seem to have a lot of opinions about them. I have one, so let me chime in:
- Don't buy a house as a financial investment. Not a beach house and, in most circumstances, not any house. If, however, you have extra income (we do) and have schedules that allow you to use it frequently (we do), consider it as an investment in your life and memories. You live once. Can't take the money with you when you go. We have made amazing memories in our home.
- Don't necessarily assume the whole "a beach house with kids is a bad choice because of weekend / summary blah blah blah" is true. It may be for some. For us, we choose family time. We don't do summer swim team. My kids aren't going to the olympics anyway and they swim in the beach house neighborhood pool with their beach house friends. We go to birthday parties with close friends, but we don't feel tied to every party or activity just because we are invited. Our friends understand, our kids have friends at the beach so they don't feel like they are missing out.
- choose carefully where you buy. Be prepared for expensive insurance, maintenance, etc. at the same time, there are plenty of beach communities where the houses are perfectly protected from flooding. Think a mile from beach, but perfect biking. Think more recently built homes on pylons with hurricane proof.
- make sure you are comfortable losing money (see point 1). If our home washed away -- extremely unlikely per point above -- such is life. We haven't invested our next egg into it. We are financially comfortable if we lost it tomorrow.
-make sure it fits your vacation style. We take one big extravagant vacation elsewhere, and then spend summer at beach (month of July, most weekends, leave Thursday night come back Sunday night). We are lucky because our jobs afford us this flexibility, and we would never be traveling elsewhere these times absent the beach House. We also spend other holidays there.
- there Are some really great neighborhoods that can make it feel like your second home and not just your second house. Ours is in a great community with tons of little kids who ride their bikes in the streets, walk to the pool together, etc.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Ditto this (the bolded). People without beach houses in this thread have all sorts of negative things to say about them. We do have one and it completely works for our family. It's a magical place.
I'm one of the previous owners in this thread.
The "birthday party every weekend" phase peaks in about kindergarten. By third grade, no one is inviting the whole class to every party. Really, it usually tapers off by first grade.
My kids each have about 4-6 close friends. Plus not everyone even has a yearly party (beyond just family) after about age 8. It's not an issue.
Also the sports seasons are surprisingly short. Rec soccer and little league baseball are 8 weeks. Travel soccer and travel baseball are about 10. I have kids in both.

I'd also like to address the financial issues. We don't view our beach house as an "investment". We frankly don't view our primary DC house as an investment. Our primary house is a necessity, our beach house is a luxury or how we chose to spend our money. We've had countless friends in DC (we're now in our early 40's) put giant additions on the backs of their DC houses (costing as much or more than our second home). We've chosen not to. We live in a small house here. We've put this "spare" money towards owning a second house instead. Other friends of ours in DC drive luxury cars. We don't. Others ski in Colorado yearly. We don't. Ours use private school. We don't.
If we lose the entire cost of our beach house (which we won't as it's fully insured), so be it. We lose money each year we own it (if you compare what we would gain if we put that money in the bank). But you know what? We don't care. We care far more about making family memories than increasing our net worth. We both work in health care. We see people's lives cut short all.the.time. We are responsible savers but we don't live with the mindset of many on here that we "must squirrel away every last dime". Life is short. I can barely believe how fast the last decade has gone and I anticipate the next decade will go just as fast. If I'm only going to get one chance at this, I'm going to spend as much time somewhere I love--in my case the ocean.

+10000

Well said. OP, people are jealous. We have a beach house, and we barely tell anyone. It is just not worth the hassle. Then there are the hangers on, who will want to "join you" - no matter how far away you decided to purchase. We do have friends join us by invitation, but it really is family time. Some people do extravagant trips to see family (across the U.S., or in other countries) - we have our beach house. It is for our family, for our memories. I wouldn't have it any other way. You might not lose money on it, but I would not say you will make money on it, if that is a consideration. Enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

PP here. Meant to add - you will also find your own social group at the beach house, OP. We have, and it has been fabulous. The issue (if any) is whether the kids will be on board, as the get older.

[Anonymous]

As I read this, I applaud you as you have been thinking very diligently about the purchase of the beach house with all the aspects that it entails. A second home is not always easy for the reason you have stated. The one thing that you may want to consider is the maintenance of the home. Whose responsibility is that? What is the cost in money and time? Another thought is would it help to rent a long term house for a summer to give it a try and see how you like it and how much time your spouse and family have to visit? What was the outcome of your discussion with the extended family? Could you rent it out if you decided this did not work as planned? Everyone's experience is different in the regards to a second home. Life is full of so many blessings....Sounds like you are really planning this out.....Wishing you the very best in your decision for you and the kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not own a beach house, so I will not pretend to know what that entails. However, I am a SAHM, and you should know that your life will be much less lonely once your kids are in preschool and then elementary school. Pick a social preschool, and even if you don't make best friends, you will be interacting with adults much more often. You can start volunteering to run things at the school or be on the PTA. Your kids will start playing sports or having other activities (gym, dance, scouts, martial arts, whatever), and you will be seeing other parents there.

If you want a beach house to spend time with your family outside the hustle of life here, great. It sounds like some people love having a beach house. But if you are wanting it because you are lonely, I would think that packing up the kids to go to the beach by yourself with them would be particularly lonely and isolating. You will be taking yourself AWAY from the activities around here where you would be interacting with others, and going to place where you are alone with your kids (at least the times you go without DH).

This is the best advice I've seen here. OP, I'd strongly advice you to figure out how to build a community where you spend most of the year. This might mean getting a job sooner rather than later, it might mean moving to a different neighborhood, it might mean creating traditions for family and friends here, it might mean joining a church or other faith community, it might mean your husband changing jobs, etc. Regardless, once you figure this out and are in a happier place, then think about buying a beach house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not own a beach house, so I will not pretend to know what that entails. However, I am a SAHM, and you should know that your life will be much less lonely once your kids are in preschool and then elementary school. Pick a social preschool, and even if you don't make best friends, you will be interacting with adults much more often. You can start volunteering to run things at the school or be on the PTA. Your kids will start playing sports or having other activities (gym, dance, scouts, martial arts, whatever), and you will be seeing other parents there.

If you want a beach house to spend time with your family outside the hustle of life here, great. It sounds like some people love having a beach house. But if you are wanting it because you are lonely, I would think that packing up the kids to go to the beach by yourself with them would be particularly lonely and isolating. You will be taking yourself AWAY from the activities around here where you would be interacting with others, and going to place where you are alone with your kids (at least the times you go without DH).

This is the best advice I've seen here. OP, I'd strongly advice you to figure out how to build a community where you spend most of the year. This might mean getting a job sooner rather than later, it might mean moving to a different neighborhood, it might mean creating traditions for family and friends here, it might mean joining a church or other faith community, it might mean your husband changing jobs, etc. Regardless, once you figure this out and are in a happier place, then think about buying a beach house.

I would rent and try it out. I think being alone with small kids at the beach would be very isolating and lonely, especially at night, and it might seem like an obligation to go every month rather than a fun thing. On the other hand, you might love it. Regardless of what you do with the house, I would take steps to improve your social situation and build community at home - preschool is lifechanging and will give you structure and friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not own a beach house, so I will not pretend to know what that entails. However, I am a SAHM, and you should know that your life will be much less lonely once your kids are in preschool and then elementary school. Pick a social preschool, and even if you don't make best friends, you will be interacting with adults much more often. You can start volunteering to run things at the school or be on the PTA. Your kids will start playing sports or having other activities (gym, dance, scouts, martial arts, whatever), and you will be seeing other parents there.

If you want a beach house to spend time with your family outside the hustle of life here, great. It sounds like some people love having a beach house. But if you are wanting it because you are lonely, I would think that packing up the kids to go to the beach by yourself with them would be particularly lonely and isolating. You will be taking yourself AWAY from the activities around here where you would be interacting with others, and going to place where you are alone with your kids (at least the times you go without DH).

This is the best advice I've seen here. OP, I'd strongly advice you to figure out how to build a community where you spend most of the year. This might mean getting a job sooner rather than later, it might mean moving to a different neighborhood, it might mean creating traditions for family and friends here, it might mean joining a church or other faith community, it might mean your husband changing jobs, etc. Regardless, once you figure this out and are in a happier place, then think about buying a beach house.

OP here. We've already talked about ways to improve things for my lonlieness/boredom issues as a SAHM, part of the issue is that I really dislike our very unfriendly neighborhood, but my husband doesn't want to move. Husband also wants to stay at his same job for the next 30 years. So different neighborhood/different job are out. Our oldest is going to preschool in the fall, I did choose a very social preschool but I've already been to a few social events at the school and most parents work full-time, so I feel like my chances of building a community through preschool aren't that great. Additionally, we did a Mommy and Me class this year at another preschool and I was hoping to build a sense of community there (I even became the room parent) and I did not make any friends at all, people were not interested in meeting up with us outside of the class, I invited a bunch of the moms to meet up for playdates and they all said no. Building community is hard, we are not from this area, just moved here a few years ago not knowing anyone and it has been really hard to find a community.

I feel like I need a change of scenery a lot, it's such a hassle to travel somewhere for the weekend and stay in an uncomfortable hotel, packing a ton of stuff each time. Would love to just get in the car and in a few hours be at our very own, comfortable beach house where we could go anytime we want, all year round, for a change of scenery or to go to the beach. We have very few/no social obligations on the weekends compared to others (even the moms of toddlers I socialize with seem to be busy every weekend), so we can go whenever we want until the kids have their own friends/events/sports, etc., but that's still quite a ways away since they are so little. I feel like for the next 10 years at least we'd get a lot of use out of a beach house all year round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would rent and try it out. I think being alone with small kids at the beach would be very isolating and lonely, especially at night, and it might seem like an obligation to go every month rather than a fun thing. On the other hand, you might love it. Regardless of what you do with the house, I would take steps to improve your social situation and build community at home - preschool is lifechanging and will give you structure and friendships.

OP here. I feel like this now--when my husband travels (once-twice a week) it is incredibly lonely and isolating to be home alone with the kids. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible and go to social places with them, like walking around the mall, going out for dinner at a fun restaurant, etc. when he is traveling but I feel really lonely and isolated due to him being gone so much. So I'm already used to that, I don't think it would be much different at the beach house except that I really dislike our unfriendly neighborhood and I'd love to find a very family friendly neighborhood at the beach so at least there would be other moms around I could talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I would rent and try it out. I think being alone with small kids at the beach would be very isolating and lonely, especially at night, and it might seem like an obligation to go every month rather than a fun thing. On the other hand, you might love it. Regardless of what you do with the house, I would take steps to improve your social situation and build community at home - preschool is lifechanging and will give you structure and friendships.

OP here. I feel like this now--when my husband travels (once-twice a week) it is incredibly lonely and isolating to be home alone with the kids. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible and go to social places with them, like walking around the mall, going out for dinner at a fun restaurant, etc. when he is traveling but I feel really lonely and isolated due to him being gone so much. So I'm already used to that, I don't think it would be much different at the beach house except that I really dislike our unfriendly neighborhood and I'd love to find a very family friendly neighborhood at the beach so at least there would be other moms around I could talk to.

Once preschool starts, you will at least have birthday parties to attend on weekends, and the parents usually mingle during the parties. You said it is all working moms at the preschool you chose. It is not too late to consider other schools. Where do you live? I don't really think its fair of DH to say he is never willing to move neighborhoods if he is never home!

[Anonymous]

OP, I really don't think this is about a beach house...I think you are running from your life and you sound a little depressed, perhaps not clinically, but just down...potentially understandably so. Why is your DH calling all the shots? Please, please work on building community where you live and consider the beach house a bit later. I'm worried the beach house will make you less likely to become enmeshed in your own community.