Social/career implications of buying a beach house for SAHM

[Anonymous]

I love the idea of a beach house in theory but I feel like if you have lived in this area a few years and still don't have many friends you may feel more lonely going down to the beach by yourself.
I think you should keep working at making friends locally and think about the beach house a bit longer
Ideas which you may have tried...
Join a moms group
Join a gym that has child care-- start to go to the classes a few days a week and you will likely meet other sahm there (I know a few moms that go to Lifetime)
Go to all the library toddler book readings

I'm sorry that some of the moms you have met said no to play dates. Try again and hopefully you will start to meet some more friends. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me get this straight. You have one under water property and you think it's a good idea to invest in MORE real estate?!?!

OP here. Our house isn't underwater. We paid cash for all our renovations. We just over-improved for the neighborhood because at the time we thought it was a good idea and that we'd be staying here for the next 30 years. The issue is that I no longer like the neighborhood or feel comfortable here and I'm a SAHM who is home a lot. I would love to move to a better, more social and family friendly neighborhood but I also understand my husband's concerns--if we sold now we'd lose money on the house (about 100K), and there is no guarantee our new neighborhood would be the friendly, welcoming place I'd ideally love to be in. Part of the issue is the loneliness/isolation of having no local family, but like I mentioned, family is in Hawaii and California and they have no plans of ever moving and we don't want to move to those places. Also moving would be a huge hassle as our house is quite large--that's a lot to pack up and move with two young kids and no childcare/family help. So I feel very stuck and unhappy and see a beach house as a good compromise.

Husband works in Arlington--can anyone suggest ideas of a family friendly, extremely social neighborhood between Herndon and Arlington, that's not in Arlington? I would love to be in a neighborhood with lots of young families, some SAHMs, neighborhood get togethers, Halloween parties, etc., an active listserv, a neighborhood pool/park/playground to walk to? Our neighborhood doesn't have any of those things. Also, we really don't want an old house with old house problems, and we want at least 3000 sq. feet, which is why we're in Herndon now.

Reston or Vienna. We're in Reston right now and love it. Tons of SAHMs and neighborhood activities, pools, playgrounds, etc. Lots of fun families.

[Anonymous]

Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

[Anonymous]

Won't you be isolated and lonely in a beach house too? What difference does it make whether you're an isolated sahm in a sfh or a beach house? Ok, you can go to the beach if you have a beach house. Or if you're in a sfh you can go to a playground, join meetup, connect/get involved with preschool, etc.

And wouldn't you feel obligated to always have to go to the beach house for vacation? You wouldn't feel inspired to go anywhere else, ever?

And how far is this place?

I don't think the beach house is the right answer

[Anonymous]

Take your $1M + 300k and move somewhere better.

Example:
https://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/1615-N-McKinley-Rd-22205/home/11238525

Walkable to Westover. Very family friendly. TONS of families. Great schools. DH's commute is significantly cut down so maybe more time together.

Maybe need to compromise on house aesthetics a bit, but it's all updated and plenty of space.

[Anonymous]

Walk to Westover or Lee-Harrison. Chestnut Hills park is doable too.
https://www.redfin.com/VA/Arlington/2300-N-Nottingham-St-22205/home/11279160

[Anonymous]

New construction in Falls Church City.
https://www.redfin.com/VA/Falls-Church/905-Hillwood-Ave-22042/home/12036013

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

Cape Cod (that's why we don't use it much in the off season).

+1

Shhhhh! There are enough VA/DC/MD plates! Let them go to the nasty OBX!

The people are very different in NE, and if you were not born and raised your entire life there, don't bother. I know one family who never got over their rejection there ("it was them", trust me) and carry it as a colossally enormous chip on their shoulder. Awfully traumatizing for them, as it turns out.

Actually we aren't from NE and have had no problem making friends in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

OP here. We're in a 4500 sq. ft. house now and it feels too small at times. 3000 sq. ft. would be our absolute minimum. I think we're going to start looking at other neighborhoods in NoVA just to get a sense of what's out there. I'm not that interested in Arlington, but Vienna might work. My husband's objections to moving are the following:

1) It's a huge hassle to pack up a house and move, especially with young kids when we have no family/childcare help and I work 70 hour weeks and have no free time
2) What if our new neighbors are just as nasty to us when we go through all the hassle of moving--you never know.
3) What if our current neighborhood becomes more family friendly in a few years (currently mainly retirees). Maybe the retirees will move and families will come in.
4) What if despite being a friendly neighborhood with tons of activities no one in our new neighborhood wants to be friends with us?
5) We'd lose about 100K because we over-improved for the neighborhood, and would have to sell at a loss, and quality of life isn't worth the financial loss.

Every time we talk about this issue my husband always says it's too much of a risk for us to move. He suggests I find my community outside the neighborhood--which I've been trying to do for years. I've had a little success making friends--I've made several really good mom friends, however they all work full-time and aren't available to get together much. I've made no SAHM friends despite going to tons of classes all the time (gym class, music class, swim class, etc.) I've joined mom groups, I go to Mommy and Me classes, and I've invited people to meet up for playdates. With SAHMs, I find them to be very picky overall about who they spend time with, and all the rejections I've received for inviting people to do things have been from SAHMs. What would make all the difference for me is to have one local SAHM friend who I could get together with once or twice a week--that would make me feel so much less lonely and so much happier. I haven't been able to make a SAHM friend though. Maybe next year when my oldest is in preschool. I chose the most social preschool I could find, but I think many of the parents work full-time (it's a part-time preschool but they have nannies).

My husband also says, "it's us--no one wants to be friends with us no matter where we live or where we work." Sadly, I think there's a lot of truth to his statement. I've been seeing a therapist to try to work on this issue which has been helpful, but even putting into practice the changes we've talked about hasn't made a difference.

I still dream about having a beach house, and still think it's the best compromise for us.

[Anonymous]

OP, things will get better when your 2 y.o. turns 3 and is in preschool. There will be birthday parties practically every weekend, so you'll start getting to know the other parents. In the meantime, start joining some mom and tot classes - I've met some really nice women that way. My kids are the same age apart as yours, but are each a year older, and I felt the same way you did last year. I still do, but it's getting better since I'm meeting other moms though all these preschool parties and DD's ballet. Activities are the answer, not a beach house.

As for the beach house - I agree with others that despite the cachet, it would not draw people to you socially and is unlikely to help you with your loneliness. And you can't swim with two kids that age, and that will remain the case for a long time. By all means rent in the community you've targeted - maybe for a month or so - and see what the experience is like. But I suspect that in your search for a solution to your current isolation (which I totally empathize with and share), you've idealized this beach house scenario and it probably wouldn't meet your expectations.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I also don't think a beach house is the answer. OP, you have been unhappy in that neighborhood for a long time and you gave it more than a fair shot. Lost money or not, it is time for your DH to put you first and understand that you are isolated and unhappy out in Herndon and you want to move. You guys need to sell that house and move to a place like the Westover neighborhood in Arlington. Sure, you can't "guarantee" that it would be better, but it's quite likely. How could it be much worse than your situation now where you absolutely hate it?

My DH and I moved two years ago and we knew we didn't particularly like our neighbors, but oh the feeling of getting away from them has been so fantastic. Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the posters from upthread who owns a beach house.

I was trying to be helpful and encouraging about beach house ownership but it seems like you have a negative answer to everything and your problem is way beyond whether or not you should buy another property. I agree with many others that your primary concern should be to
improve your primary living situation. Buying a small house 15 minutes from the beach isn't a guarantee of anything except that you will be spending a lot of money, living in a smaller space for much of the year and parenting as a single parent. If you really want community and friends you have to change your current living situation regardless of what it costs. Those of us with GREAT local communities do not NEED 4000 square feet. We pile our families into small urban or semi-urban 1930's housing where are neighbors are close and the community is tight knit. If you insist on space and land and not moving then you're never going to find this. I have your dream life---neighbors and potlucks and block parties and all the rest but I have 3 elementary aged kids in a house that is probably the size of one floor of yours.
Also, you keep speaking of loosing $100K if you sell your house. You will loose money each year you own the beach house. Easily $25K/year. If you purchase at $300K and mortgage 80% you have that monthly cost plus the cost of home owner's insurance, flood insurance (if it's close enough to the beach), water, gas, electric, internet/cable, yard crew, home owners's association dues (if your house has them), plus the cost of furnishing the place, plus the gas/tolls to get there weekly, etc . The house payment is $1200/month. The rest is easily $800/month. There you go: $25k/year (not even including the one time costs of furnishing the place). In 4 short years you have lost what you'd lose by selling your primary residence. For us it's not a "loss" because it's a choice we make to do something we love. Plus if you are purely looking at the economics, it's definitely a loss.

[Anonymous]

PP again--sorry for all typos and wacky formatting. Typing on a phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Choose your beach neighborhood carefully. Our first beach house was in a neighborhood with year round residents and summer rentals. It was hard to make connections in the neighborhood. Our current one is in a neighborhood with almost no rentals and mostly families who are there for the summer. Lots of social activities and friends in the new 'hood. It's made a huge difference.

We use it in the summer (2-3 months) and maybe a couple of weekends during the off season. Be realistic about it once your kids hit school age.

Op if you can afford it go for it. If it ends up not working out as you expected or being a burden then sell it.

Where is this? Ours is great - all kids of all ages, and our kids bring friends, too! Plenty of fun to go around

Cape Cod (that's why we don't use it much in the off season).

+1

Shhhhh! There are enough VA/DC/MD plates! Let them go to the nasty OBX!

The people are very different in NE, and if you were not born and raised your entire life there, don't bother. I know one family who never got over their rejection there ("it was them", trust me) and carry it as a colossally enormous chip on their shoulder. Awfully traumatizing for them, as it turns out.

It isn't 1950. People in New England are just like the ones around here. Some are friendly. Some are snobs. Some are social clinbers. Some are already there.