Social/career implications of buying a beach house for SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

OP here. We're in a 4500 sq. ft. house now and it feels too small at times. 3000 sq. ft. would be our absolute minimum. I think we're going to start looking at other neighborhoods in NoVA just to get a sense of what's out there. I'm not that interested in Arlington, but Vienna might work. My husband's objections to moving are the following:

1) It's a huge hassle to pack up a house and move, especially with young kids when we have no family/childcare help and I work 70 hour weeks and have no free time
2) What if our new neighbors are just as nasty to us when we go through all the hassle of moving--you never know.
3) What if our current neighborhood becomes more family friendly in a few years (currently mainly retirees). Maybe the retirees will move and families will come in.
4) What if despite being a friendly neighborhood with tons of activities no one in our new neighborhood wants to be friends with us?
5) We'd lose about 100K because we over-improved for the neighborhood, and would have to sell at a loss, and quality of life isn't worth the financial loss.

Every time we talk about this issue my husband always says it's too much of a risk for us to move. He suggests I find my community outside the neighborhood--which I've been trying to do for years. I've had a little success making friends--I've made several really good mom friends, however they all work full-time and aren't available to get together much. I've made no SAHM friends despite going to tons of classes all the time (gym class, music class, swim class, etc.) I've joined mom groups, I go to Mommy and Me classes, and I've invited people to meet up for playdates. With SAHMs, I find them to be very picky overall about who they spend time with, and all the rejections I've received for inviting people to do things have been from SAHMs. What would make all the difference for me is to have one local SAHM friend who I could get together with once or twice a week--that would make me feel so much less lonely and so much happier. I haven't been able to make a SAHM friend though. Maybe next year when my oldest is in preschool. I chose the most social preschool I could find, but I think many of the parents work full-time (it's a part-time preschool but they have nannies).

My husband also says, "it's us--no one wants to be friends with us no matter where we live or where we work." Sadly, I think there's a lot of truth to his statement. I've been seeing a therapist to try to work on this issue which has been helpful, but even putting into practice the changes we've talked about hasn't made a difference.

I still dream about having a beach house, and still think it's the best compromise for us.

Find a Congregation. Whatever your faith, there is a vibrant kid oriented congregation out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread but I would suggest renting a place for this summer, a house or something very, very close to the beach to see how you like it.

I have a beach house and the key for us is, we own in a waterfront community that is within an hour drive (with traffic) to DC. We own in Annapolis so for us quick trips are doable (so your husband could still be an active part of the family); our neighborhood is partially summer and year long residents with a bunch of kids and mom's groups and a pool, beach, playground so there is a big community for us to be part of.

As far as what others have said about kids getting involved in activities and then you can't get to the house regularly, if you are closer in, it is still doable. Or like us, my dd isn't in those kind of activities -- every child doesn't have to do swim team, soccer, lacrosse, etc. Your children could to art or musical theater that meets during the week during the school year.

I personally, wouldn't want to be away from my dh for a whole summer, not good for a marriage at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Unfortunately moving isn't necessarily going to ensure you won't face the same problems again. I'm a little hesitant to believe your neighbors care you were young when you bought your place. No offense but your purchase isn't that impressive and is fairly standard. If anything people are happy when someone buys an expensive or overpriced home on their block.

Fwiw our neighbors are assholes as well. I just assume they are strange people. We haven't done anything wrong and try to be friendly. We've lived in other cities and never faced these issues so we assume it isn't us and is just their demeanor.

As for the loud music playing....you really think someone is intentionally cranking up music because you bought a one million dollar home when you were 30? This tells me you're somewhat if not entirely delusional. I doubt your neighbors revolve their life around you as much as you think.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should get a part time nanny and go back to work for the socialization aspect of working. You would form a community that way and you don't' have to be friends with your neighbors. Maybe join a book club at the library, take a yoga class, join a religious organization.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP, you need to tslk to a therapist. I have posted mutiple times in this thread with helpful advice, but as a other poster said, you keep eesponding with an "I can't do that" attitude and finding fault with everyone and everything. You really think your neighbors are stalking you and are jealous of you? I guaranty they do not give you 1% of the thought that you apparently give them. If your house is that great and you and spouse "must" live in something that size, then stop worrying about your neighbors and start focusing on finding happy outlets in your life. Most people would be thrilled to have what you have - stop whining and start living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time we walked in an out of our old house it was like a silent rejection that made us feel bad. Life is too short for that crap.

OP here. Yes, this is exactly how I feel. However, my husband doesn't feel that way at all, but he's not home much. I think it's very hard for him to empathize how I'm feeling because he doesn't feel this way at all, so he feels I'm making way too much of the fact that I feel uncomfortable in our house/neighborhood every single day.

This is an incredibly dramatic statement and you need to gain some perspective. Do you know how many people would love to have your house and would happily live there even if people picketed on the the front lawn each morning?

You can't gain your happiness from your neighbors or your house. A house is home but it's mainly just a place to live and store your possessions. It's nice to have a beautiful home but I think you're trying to turn your home into something it's not.

You most likely are uncomfortable with your life and the choices you have made. Or yourself. Get some help and figure out what the real issue is. It's not your house and it's not about a beach house or whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

Unfortunately moving isn't necessarily going to ensure you won't face the same problems again. I'm a little hesitant to believe your neighbors care you were young when you bought your place. No offense but your purchase isn't that impressive and is fairly standard. If anything people are happy when someone buys an expensive or overpriced home on their block.

Fwiw our neighbors are assholes as well. I just assume they are strange people. We haven't done anything wrong and try to be friendly. We've lived in other cities and never faced these issues so we assume it isn't us and is just their demeanor.

As for the loud music playing....you really think someone is intentionally cranking up music because you bought a one million dollar home when you were 30? This tells me you're somewhat if not entirely delusional. I doubt your neighbors revolve their life around you as much as you think.

Ditto this. Your neighbors are not suffering through loud music 24/7 because of you.
I think you sound depressed/anxious and bordering on delusional. You need help.
I know because when I get down I'm CONVINCED that everyone hates me and I ruminate on it--if a friend doesn't call it's because she hates me.
If a mom I don't know doesn't email me back it's because I'm an unlikable person. If a sales person is short with me it's because I suck.

When I'm in a good place mentally/emotionally this whole internal dialogue stops. My mind just doesn't go there. And guess what? people start reaching
out to me all.the.time because I appear to be open/friendly/etc. I'm sure if you feel these things that you post about that you're coming across as
needy/strange/aloof or some combination of all of the above.

Pls get help, go on medication, etc. Your life will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, you need to tslk to a therapist. I have posted mutiple times in this thread with helpful advice, but as a other poster said, you keep eesponding with an "I can't do that" attitude and finding fault with everyone and everything. You really think your neighbors are stalking you and are jealous of you? I guaranty they do not give you 1% of the thought that you apparently give them. If your house is that great and you and spouse "must" live in something that size, then stop worrying about your neighbors and start focusing on finding happy outlets in your life. Most people would be thrilled to have what you have - stop whining and start living.

This. You posted asking for advice, and keep posting back. But it doesn't sound like you care about the advice anyone has offered! There has been a lot of good advice on here, and you really have just refuted almost all of it. You are still posting that you think a beach house is a "good compromise," even though almost every poster here does not think that will solve your problems. Your mind seems made up. You really need to change your perspective or go to therapy with your husband or you will continue to be unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why at least 3000 square feet? That seems like it unnecessarily narrows your opportunities. Small house + great neighborhood would be awesome. Time to declutter.

OP here. We're in a 4500 sq. ft. house now and it feels too small at times. 3000 sq. ft. would be our absolute minimum. I think we're going to start looking at other neighborhoods in NoVA just to get a sense of what's out there. I'm not that interested in Arlington, but Vienna might work. My husband's objections to moving are the following:

1) It's a huge hassle to pack up a house and move, especially with young kids when we have no family/childcare help and I work 70 hour weeks and have no free time
2) What if our new neighbors are just as nasty to us when we go through all the hassle of moving--you never know.
3) What if our current neighborhood becomes more family friendly in a few years (currently mainly retirees). Maybe the retirees will move and families will come in.
4) What if despite being a friendly neighborhood with tons of activities no one in our new neighborhood wants to be friends with us?
5) We'd lose about 100K because we over-improved for the neighborhood, and would have to sell at a loss, and quality of life isn't worth the financial loss.

Every time we talk about this issue my husband always says it's too much of a risk for us to move. He suggests I find my community outside the neighborhood--which I've been trying to do for years. I've had a little success making friends--I've made several really good mom friends, however they all work full-time and aren't available to get together much. I've made no SAHM friends despite going to tons of classes all the time (gym class, music class, swim class, etc.) I've joined mom groups, I go to Mommy and Me classes, and I've invited people to meet up for playdates. With SAHMs, I find them to be very picky overall about who they spend time with, and all the rejections I've received for inviting people to do things have been from SAHMs. What would make all the difference for me is to have one local SAHM friend who I could get together with once or twice a week--that would make me feel so much less lonely and so much happier. I haven't been able to make a SAHM friend though. Maybe next year when my oldest is in preschool. I chose the most social preschool I could find, but I think many of the parents work full-time (it's a part-time preschool but they have nannies).

My husband also says, "it's us--no one wants to be friends with us no matter where we live or where we work." Sadly, I think there's a lot of truth to his statement. I've been seeing a therapist to try to work on this issue which has been helpful, but even putting into practice the changes we've talked about hasn't made a difference.

I still dream about having a beach house, and still think it's the best compromise for us.

I'm going to try to say this very gently, but try not to be so focused on the size of your house and other material things and try not to be so down on yourselves. Most people aren't going to find these appealing qualities. And your husband should be going to therapy with you so you can work on developing better communication skills and empathy for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

I can only speculate, but you sound very self-conscious and anxious, and also kind of paranoid about your neighborhood. The addition probably did tick your next door neighbor off, but not because she's jealous - the construction was probably very annoying and maybe now blocks her sun or view. Just because the HOA approved it doesn't mean it doesn't negatively affect her, her home, or her property values. And you seem very sure that everyone is jealous of you for your age, your money, your house, your addition, your upgrades, your SAHM status, your everything. And you seem to think everyone is hurting you on purpose, but I doubt that's the case. More likely than not you're broadcasting some of this attitude to your neighbors. I think these are your issues. The beach house is irrelevant to all of these things, and will only give you one more reason to think everyone is jealous of you, but you seem to want one, so go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

OP, you just chose the wrong neighborhood. No big deal. No need to explain yourself. Where are you from? You sound like perhaps you are "too nice" for that particular neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a whack job. Get out of the house more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, which neighborhood are you in? I'm the PP a couple of posts and we're shopping in similar neighborhoods to the one you're in, from the sounds of things. Is there a cultural discrepancy between you and your neighbors? Can you be a little more specific?

OP here. The problem we believe is that when we bought our house we were SINKs (single income no kids)--I was in grad school at the time and we were the youngest in our neighborhood and we didn't have kids. We were shunned and not accepted from the start due to this, no one introduced themselves to us and even our next door neighbors would ignore our friendly waves and hellos. At the time we bought our neighborhood was a mix of empty nesters and families with middle school kids, now it's pretty much all empty nesters. We also bought one of the most expensive houses in the neighborhood and I'm sure people were nosy and found out how much we paid for the house. So we were not in the demographic of the neighborhood at all in terms of age (we were 30 when we bought the house for $1 million). We had rented for our whole marriage prior to that and saved up a huge down payment, had no family help whatsoever in buying our house.

It didn't help things that we renovated the whole house and put on an expensive addition after a year of owning the house (breakfast room and office) and gorgeous professional landscaping, so while the neighbors didn't know that we renovated the entire interior they probably did notice our addition and landscaping. We got some compliments on it from other neighbors but our immediate next door neighbors were very hostile towards us as soon as we did the addition (they were jealous I assume), and that's when things started turning really sour. Not only do they do passive-aggressive things to purposely annoy us (such as playing loud music 24 hours a day) but one of our next door neighbors stares at us anytime we are in the yard, and it makes me so uncomfortable. She is never out in her yard unless we're out there, then as soon as we are out she pretends to rake or garden but she's staring at us the whole time, and she goes in as soon as we go in. It creeps me out. She never did this before we put up the addition. I assume that she just can't get over the fact that we put up this gorgeous new addition. The addition was approved by the HOA committee so there wasn't any issue there.

There are plenty of other neighborhood issues but these are some of them.

I can only speculate, but you sound very self-conscious and anxious, and also kind of paranoid about your neighborhood. The addition probably did tick your next door neighbor off, but not because she's jealous - the construction was probably very annoying and maybe now blocks her sun or view. Just because the HOA approved it doesn't mean it doesn't negatively affect her, her home, or her property values. And you seem very sure that everyone is jealous of you for your age, your money, your house, your addition, your upgrades, your SAHM status, your everything. And you seem to think everyone is hurting you on purpose, but I doubt that's the case. More likely than not you're broadcasting some of this attitude to your neighbors. I think these are your issues. The beach house is irrelevant to all of these things, and will only give you one more reason to think everyone is jealous of you, but you seem to want one, so go for it.

ITA the beach house is a separate issue/choice.

OP may have validity to the neighbors being jealous. This happens a lot when there are knock downs in the neighborhood, and everyone knows that you should never choose the nicest house in the neighborhood.