I am not sure I can live with my son anymore.

[Anonymous]

I went to boarding school. The kids who were sent as an alternative to in patient treatment for mental illness or to juvenile detention didn't last more than a month each. But the parent didn't have the tuition refunded for the rest of the year. The school I attended cost as much of more than college. How many parents can afford that if the child isn't eligible for scholarships?

[Anonymous]

OP---big hug to you. Our adopted DS presented with many of the same behaviors ------it was only when we had him seen by a psychiatrist---who diagnosed FASD and prescribed medication---did the defiance dramatically drop. So I am a big believer in psychiatrists and the power of meds. Similar to your situation, DS could hold it together at school but then fell apart at home, so clearly there was some degree of volition with respect to his behavior, though I now know that there is a substantial amount of emotional volatility due to brain damage.

I am also, however, a believer in the parents being in charge of the home, even if it means making some hard choices. Prior to the psychiatrist, we sent DS to a respite facility for several stints in his early teens. The impetus for that decision was when I watched him throw a heavy object at DH, and have to be wrestled to the ground. At this point, DS had reached a size where it was going to be increasingly difficult for DH to physically restrain him if necessary.

I watched the anxiety and fear on his younger sibs faces ---and was heartbroken to watch his frightened younger brother tentatively try to "joke" with his big brother to calm him down. I decided at that moment that there was no way that their childhood was going to be destroyed due to his issues. So off he went. It cost a fortune but we were very clear that violence was never going to be tolerated in our household again.

I was particularly determined that our daughter not grow up with the fear of a violent male in the household. The first time DS headed toward a meltdown after his return I looked at him and said, "If you ever hit me, or another person in this household in anger, you will not live here anymore. I will send you away and I will make sure you are taken care of, but you will not live here." And he knew that I meant every word.

The unfortunate reality is that if you are the parent of an unstable, explosive, violent child, you need to make choices about your priorities. From speaking with other parents of such children----who are now grown---the consistent theme with such parents was regret that they had allowed the explosive child to dominate the family dynamic to the detriment of their other children.

DS and I are not close and our relationship is still tenuous, though I try to recognize every positive change he has made. However, I still think taking a hard line was the right choice in order to ensure that our other children grew up secure and safe.

p.s. And I would take away all violent video games and dramatically limit screen time exposure. For children inclined towards agitation and explosiveness, those games are addictive and fuel further aggression and defiance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The kids who were sent as an alternative to in patient treatment for mental illness or to juvenile detention didn't last more than a month each. But the parent didn't have the tuition refunded for the rest of the year. The school I attended cost as much of more than college. How many parents can afford that if the child isn't eligible for scholarships?

Our independent school offers tuition insurance. It is pretty common these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The kids who were sent as an alternative to in patient treatment for mental illness or to juvenile detention didn't last more than a month each. But the parent didn't have the tuition refunded for the rest of the year. The school I attended cost as much of more than college. How many parents can afford that if the child isn't eligible for scholarships?

Our independent school offers tuition insurance. It is pretty common these days.

A word of caution on tuition insurance - our excluded pre-existing mental and physical health conditions. So when my DC needed to leave the school due to mental health issues, we had to pay the full tuition for the remainder of the year. A therapeutic school may be different but read carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---big hug to you. Our adopted DS presented with many of the same behaviors ------it was only when we had him seen by a psychiatrist---who diagnosed FASD and prescribed medication---did the defiance dramatically drop. So I am a big believer in psychiatrists and the power of meds. Similar to your situation, DS could hold it together at school but then fell apart at home, so clearly there was some degree of volition with respect to his behavior, though I now know that there is a substantial amount of emotional volatility due to brain damage.

I am also, however, a believer in the parents being in charge of the home, even if it means making some hard choices. Prior to the psychiatrist, we sent DS to a respite facility for several stints in his early teens. The impetus for that decision was when I watched him throw a heavy object at DH, and have to be wrestled to the ground. At this point, DS had reached a size where it was going to be increasingly difficult for DH to physically restrain him if necessary.

I watched the anxiety and fear on his younger sibs faces ---and was heartbroken to watch his frightened younger brother tentatively try to "joke" with his big brother to calm him down. I decided at that moment that there was no way that their childhood was going to be destroyed due to his issues. So off he went. It cost a fortune but we were very clear that violence was never going to be tolerated in our household again.

I was particularly determined that our daughter not grow up with the fear of a violent male in the household. The first time DS headed toward a meltdown after his return I looked at him and said, "If you ever hit me, or another person in this household in anger, you will not live here anymore. I will send you away and I will make sure you are taken care of, but you will not live here." And he knew that I meant every word.

The unfortunate reality is that if you are the parent of an unstable, explosive, violent child, you need to make choices about your priorities. From speaking with other parents of such children----who are now grown---the consistent theme with such parents was regret that they had allowed the explosive child to dominate the family dynamic to the detriment of their other children.

DS and I are not close and our relationship is still tenuous, though I try to recognize every positive change he has made. However, I still think taking a hard line was the right choice in order to ensure that our other children grew up secure and safe.

p.s. And I would take away all violent video games and dramatically limit screen time exposure. For children inclined towards agitation and explosiveness, those games are addictive and fuel further aggression and defiance.

This is the best advice -- I hope you take what this person wrote very seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---big hug to you. Our adopted DS presented with many of the same behaviors ------it was only when we had him seen by a psychiatrist---who diagnosed FASD and prescribed medication---did the defiance dramatically drop. So I am a big believer in psychiatrists and the power of meds. Similar to your situation, DS could hold it together at school but then fell apart at home, so clearly there was some degree of volition with respect to his behavior, though I now know that there is a substantial amount of emotional volatility due to brain damage.

I am also, however, a believer in the parents being in charge of the home, even if it means making some hard choices. Prior to the psychiatrist, we sent DS to a respite facility for several stints in his early teens. The impetus for that decision was when I watched him throw a heavy object at DH, and have to be wrestled to the ground. At this point, DS had reached a size where it was going to be increasingly difficult for DH to physically restrain him if necessary.

I watched the anxiety and fear on his younger sibs faces ---and was heartbroken to watch his frightened younger brother tentatively try to "joke" with his big brother to calm him down. I decided at that moment that there was no way that their childhood was going to be destroyed due to his issues. So off he went. It cost a fortune but we were very clear that violence was never going to be tolerated in our household again.

I was particularly determined that our daughter not grow up with the fear of a violent male in the household. The first time DS headed toward a meltdown after his return I looked at him and said, "If you ever hit me, or another person in this household in anger, you will not live here anymore. I will send you away and I will make sure you are taken care of, but you will not live here." And he knew that I meant every word.

The unfortunate reality is that if you are the parent of an unstable, explosive, violent child, you need to make choices about your priorities. From speaking with other parents of such children----who are now grown---the consistent theme with such parents was regret that they had allowed the explosive child to dominate the family dynamic to the detriment of their other children.

DS and I are not close and our relationship is still tenuous, though I try to recognize every positive change he has made. However, I still think taking a hard line was the right choice in order to ensure that our other children grew up secure and safe.

p.s. And I would take away all violent video games and dramatically limit screen time exposure. For children inclined towards agitation and explosiveness, those games are addictive and fuel further aggression and defiance.

Listen to the bolded part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to boarding school. The kids who were sent as an alternative to in patient treatment for mental illness or to juvenile detention didn't last more than a month each. But the parent didn't have the tuition refunded for the rest of the year. The school I attended cost as much of more than college. How many parents can afford that if the child isn't eligible for scholarships?

Our independent school offers tuition insurance. It is pretty common these days.

A word of caution on tuition insurance - our excluded pre-existing mental and physical health conditions. So when my DC needed to leave the school due to mental health issues, we had to pay the full tuition for the remainder of the year. A therapeutic school may be different but read carefully.

Tuition insurance frequently also excludes withdrawal or dismissal due to legal action. So a child who is kicked out due to violent outbursts may void the tuition insurance.

[Anonymous]

Sending your kid off to a camp for 2 weeks to get a break is not helping the underlying issue. It is just you rather not dealing with it and counting down the days until he goes away to make it thru the next year. If you aren't going to parent him correctly, send him to military or boarding school, so they will. Or get a backbone and raise your kid correctly. Otherwise he is a danger to himself and others, and you will be left to blame.

Please don't feed this troll - they are just trying to get a rise out of people. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP---big hug to you. Our adopted DS presented with many of the same behaviors ------it was only when we had him seen by a psychiatrist---who diagnosed FASD and prescribed medication---did the defiance dramatically drop. So I am a big believer in psychiatrists and the power of meds. Similar to your situation, DS could hold it together at school but then fell apart at home, so clearly there was some degree of volition with respect to his behavior, though I now know that there is a substantial amount of emotional volatility due to brain damage.

I am also, however, a believer in the parents being in charge of the home, even if it means making some hard choices. Prior to the psychiatrist, we sent DS to a respite facility for several stints in his early teens. The impetus for that decision was when I watched him throw a heavy object at DH, and have to be wrestled to the ground. At this point, DS had reached a size where it was going to be increasingly difficult for DH to physically restrain him if necessary.

I watched the anxiety and fear on his younger sibs faces ---and was heartbroken to watch his frightened younger brother tentatively try to "joke" with his big brother to calm him down. I decided at that moment that there was no way that their childhood was going to be destroyed due to his issues. So off he went. It cost a fortune but we were very clear that violence was never going to be tolerated in our household again.

I was particularly determined that our daughter not grow up with the fear of a violent male in the household. The first time DS headed toward a meltdown after his return I looked at him and said, "If you ever hit me, or another person in this household in anger, you will not live here anymore. I will send you away and I will make sure you are taken care of, but you will not live here." And he knew that I meant every word.

The unfortunate reality is that if you are the parent of an unstable, explosive, violent child, you need to make choices about your priorities. From speaking with other parents of such children----who are now grown---the consistent theme with such parents was regret that they had allowed the explosive child to dominate the family dynamic to the detriment of their other children.

DS and I are not close and our relationship is still tenuous, though I try to recognize every positive change he has made. However, I still think taking a hard line was the right choice in order to ensure that our other children grew up secure and safe.

p.s. And I would take away all violent video games and dramatically limit screen time exposure. For children inclined towards agitation and explosiveness, those games are addictive and fuel further aggression and defiance.

I am sure the choices you had to make were agonizing, but I applaud you for making them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the consequences of this behavior? Does he have a cell phone, video games, or outside activities that get taken away? Do you make sure there are no electronics in his bedroom. Have you take the hinges off his door because he lost privacy?

Because I would never in a million years tolerate that mental/physical abuse you are allowing to take over your home. You need someone to come into the home, evaluate the entire situation and take over with advice/solutions. A home counselor. Similar to Super Nanny. I remember people posting recommendations here awhile back. Something went wrong somewhere and it needs to be fixed ASAP.

I am so glad you think you wouldn't tolerate the situation and that clamping down is the answer. Don't you think we tried that? Talk to me when you have a child in your life that might have a mental illness. It's nothing like the parenting books, or how we were parented, etc. could prepare you for. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, and awful. And it is the judgement of people like you that make the whole thing that much more painful and isolating. It's easy to armchair quarterback. I did it myself before being in this situation. And let me tell you it is humbling like you cannot imagine.

Excuse me but when he says "mean and cruel things" to you your husband etc. do you tell him to sit down and shut the fuck up, in exactly those words? I'll bet you don't. You said he gets "physical." If he goes to lay hands on you, do you tell him "Look buster touch me and I am going to lay you out with a tire iron." And make it clear that you mean it? Does your husband? You let your asshole son run away with the family for years and rather than taking responsibility for your parental ineptitude are whining and scapegoating him.

NP. You need a refill on your meds, lady. I would suggest you (very deferentially, of course) ask your alpha-male father figure DH if he wouldn't mind getting your prescription filled on his way back from his mistress's. And do hide the tire iron in case your request offends him. Thankfully it's winter so you can probably hide the bruises he's given you under lots of clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the consequences of this behavior? Does he have a cell phone, video games, or outside activities that get taken away? Do you make sure there are no electronics in his bedroom. Have you take the hinges off his door because he lost privacy?

Because I would never in a million years tolerate that mental/physical abuse you are allowing to take over your home. You need someone to come into the home, evaluate the entire situation and take over with advice/solutions. A home counselor. Similar to Super Nanny. I remember people posting recommendations here awhile back. Something went wrong somewhere and it needs to be fixed ASAP.

I am so glad you think you wouldn't tolerate the situation and that clamping down is the answer. Don't you think we tried that? Talk to me when you have a child in your life that might have a mental illness. It's nothing like the parenting books, or how we were parented, etc. could prepare you for. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, and awful. And it is the judgement of people like you that make the whole thing that much more painful and isolating. It's easy to armchair quarterback. I did it myself before being in this situation. And let me tell you it is humbling like you cannot imagine.

Excuse me but when he says "mean and cruel things" to you your husband etc. do you tell him to sit down and shut the fuck up, in exactly those words? I'll bet you don't. You said he gets "physical." If he goes to lay hands on you, do you tell him "Look buster touch me and I am going to lay you out with a tire iron." And make it clear that you mean it? Does your husband? You let your asshole son run away with the family for years and rather than taking responsibility for your parental ineptitude are whining and scapegoating him.

NP. You need a refill on your meds, lady. I would suggest you (very deferentially, of course) ask your alpha-male father figure DH if he wouldn't mind getting your prescription filled on his way back from his mistress's. And do hide the tire iron in case your request offends him. Thankfully it's winter so you can probably hide the bruises he's given you under lots of clothing.

- signed parent of four children with ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with some PPs. Send him to military school or boarding school. It will be good for him (he will learn how to control himself). It will be good for you (less stress), it will be good for your daughter (have a normal healthy upbringing.
It has worked for a couple hundred years. The good of the family always used to trump the good of any 1 individual. Now, we, as parents, put all our energy in our 1 non-conforming kid, to the detriment of our other children and our marriage. No one turns out well in this model.
I have 1 out of 4 young children who is wreaking havoc in our house right now, and in the future I will consider military school.

I had a brother like that (turned out he had mild Autism). Boarding school saved our lives. That being said, his behavior was a HUGE drain on the rest of the family and impacted us for the rest of our lives because my parents were so distracted by trying to get him under control. I lived in sheer terror of him until he was sent off to boarding school when I was 10 years old. He came back a much better and calmer person. NO, he was not whipped into shape, but he did get the right care, which included becoming an athlete (no meds, if you pill pushers want to know). He just needed independence and respect.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm so sorry. You've gotten some really great advice here and I'm glad to see so much support. It's excruciating. Ignore the ignorant trolls.

You mention a recent medical diagnosis. Epilepsy? Some anti seizure meds can help with mood stability so you may want to discuss with his neurologist. I second CBT but know first hand it's hard to get them to 1) attend and 2) participate. The thing that judgmental people don't understand is that many types of mental illness are nearly impossible to diagnose in teenagers because teenagers are often moody and difficult. They are often officially and properly diagnosed in their 20s after the families have suffered for years.

We are in a similar situation. We continue to encourage (and even bribed with no success) CBT, supplement with B vitamins, probiotics, vitamin D and fish oil- all proven to aid in mood disorders. I have blood work checked occasionally to make sure we're not overdoing it. We made some lifestyle changes that reduce the amount of change in DC's life. DC did receive a diagnosis of anxiety and depression but refused medication for some legitimate reasons which I respect. We will reconsider if things get worse. I also second summer camp. Only those of us who live it understand- these issues have all caused my own health to suffer and i now have my own stress-induced medical problems to manage.

If you do CBT, be sure to find someone who does real CBT- many therapists say they do, but they don't. Talk therapy doesn't do it.

Wishing you peace,
Someone who really understands

[Anonymous]

Outward Bound's program for struggling kids worked miracles for our oppositional teen son. It was like night and day. Not all kids on the program seem to have benefitted, but ours sure did. You could try this over the summer before you commit to a residential program and pull him away from his friends and home for a longer period.

That, plus we changed to a competent therapist (second the recommendation for Rathbone) and meds for depression.

Depression is a real thing in teens--they really do have low serotonin levels for various hormonal and developmental reasons. Plus the whole lag on frontal cortex development doesn't help with mood management. In fact, we tried a number of different anti-depressants with little result. Finally we paid about $300 for a new genetic test that looks at how your kid metabolizes various anti-depressants. Wouldn't you know, most of the SSRIs really were useless for DS. Now he's on a new anti-depressant, and is really level for the first time on several years.

[Anonymous]

Can you tell us more about that genetic test?