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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP---big hug to you.  Our adopted DS presented with many of the same behaviors ------it was only when we had him seen by a psychiatrist---who diagnosed FASD and prescribed medication---did the defiance dramatically drop.  So I am a big believer in psychiatrists and the power of meds.  Similar to your situation, DS could hold it together at school but then fell apart at home, so clearly there was some degree of volition with respect to his behavior, though I now know that there is a substantial amount of emotional volatility due to brain damage.

I am also, however, a believer in the parents being in charge of the home, even if it means making some hard choices.    Prior to the psychiatrist, we sent DS to a respite facility for several stints in his early teens.  The impetus for that decision  was when I watched him throw a heavy object at DH, and have to be wrestled to the ground.   At this point, DS had reached a size where it was going to be increasingly difficult for DH to physically restrain him if necessary.

I watched the anxiety and fear on his younger sibs faces ---and was heartbroken to watch his frightened younger brother tentatively try to "joke" with his big brother to calm him down.  I decided at that moment that there was no way that their childhood was going to be destroyed due to his issues.  So off he went.  It cost a fortune but we were very clear that violence was never going to be tolerated in our household again.

I was particularly determined that our daughter not grow up with the fear of a violent male in the household.  The first time DS headed toward a meltdown after his return I looked at him and said, "If you ever hit me, or another person in this household in anger, you will not live here anymore.  I will send you away and I will make sure you are taken care of, but you will not live here."  And he knew that I meant every word.

[b]The unfortunate reality is that if you are the parent of an unstable, explosive, violent child, you need to make choices about your priorities.  From speaking with other parents of such children----who are now grown---the consistent theme with such parents was regret that they had allowed the explosive child to dominate the family dynamic to the detriment of their other children.  
[/b]
DS and I are not close and our relationship is still tenuous, though I try to recognize every positive change he has made.  However, I still think taking a hard line was the right choice in order to ensure that our other children grew up secure and safe.

p.s.  And I would take away all violent video games and dramatically limit screen time exposure.  For children inclined towards agitation and explosiveness, those games are addictive and fuel further aggression and defiance. [/quote]

Listen to the bolded part.  [/quote]

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