I am not sure I can live with my son anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the consequences of this behavior? Does he have a cell phone, video games, or outside activities that get taken away? Do you make sure there are no electronics in his bedroom. Have you take the hinges off his door because he lost privacy?

Because I would never in a million years tolerate that mental/physical abuse you are allowing to take over your home. You need someone to come into the home, evaluate the entire situation and take over with advice/solutions. A home counselor. Similar to Super Nanny. I remember people posting recommendations here awhile back. Something went wrong somewhere and it needs to be fixed ASAP.

I am so glad you think you wouldn't tolerate the situation and that clamping down is the answer. Don't you think we tried that? Talk to me when you have a child in your life that might have a mental illness. It's nothing like the parenting books, or how we were parented, etc. could prepare you for. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, and awful. And it is the judgement of people like you that make the whole thing that much more painful and isolating. It's easy to armchair quarterback. I did it myself before being in this situation. And let me tell you it is humbling like you cannot imagine.

Well if you are the OP and have put up with all of this without getting mental counseling and are saying you don't want to live with him, that is YOUR fault for not dealing with it.

And I am going to guess the kid still has all of his electronics, has a door on his bedroom, and has a cell phone to use whenever he pleases.

If mental illness was treated by taking away cell phones and doors to bedrooms, what a wonderful world it would be!

How do we know OP's kid has a mental illness? She hasn't said he has nor has she gotten him the psychiatric evaluation to check it. In the meantime, I am going to guess OP's son still has all of his privileges because it is easier to do so.

She already said that they've done counseling for years! Yes, she needs to go to family counseling, and have him go to a psychologist and psychiatrist, but that doesn't mean her parenting is at fault. Taking away privileges does NOT fix mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Actually it can, easily. At school and in public, he's tensed, ready for anything, and the happy facade is just that, a pretense. At home, it's a safe environment, it all comes out, but he can't (or doesn't know how to) control it. You've obviously never dealt with mental illness of that sort, either in yourself or someone you loved. It's wrenching, terrifying and exhausting, and that's for everyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

This sounds just like unmediated ADHD but I haven't posted yet!!

[Anonymous]

What's the medical diagnosis that he has? Maybe someone here has experience dealing with it

[Anonymous]

My daughter is like this. She holds it together at school and activities fine, but falls apart at home. She's 17.

We had done therapy on and off since she was 12. We tried the normal approach- take away phone, electronics, grounding, silent treatment, "I will not speak to you when you're acting like that" "I don't cook for/cart around/etc. people who act this way", etc. and it DID.NOT.WORK. This fall, when the meltdowns went from happening every few months to every few days, we realized something had to change and got her a full psych eval. She is now on medication (it turned out to be severe anxiety, which fueled the depression) and wow...the improvement is amazing. It's still an uphill battle at times, but I finally feel like we have a fairly peaceful home life and I can actually enjoy spending time with this kid without feeling like she'll blow up at any time.

Also, family therapy is a must. Learning strategies to deal with my child, because the normal stuff does.not.work, changed things immensely.

I am so, so glad we didn't give up on our kid. If you get the right combo of meds/good therapist/therapist for the family, it can be a major game changer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is like this. She holds it together at school and activities fine, but falls apart at home. She's 17.

We had done therapy on and off since she was 12. We tried the normal approach- take away phone, electronics, grounding, silent treatment, "I will not speak to you when you're acting like that" "I don't cook for/cart around/etc. people who act this way", etc. and it DID.NOT.WORK. This fall, when the meltdowns went from happening every few months to every few days, we realized something had to change and got her a full psych eval. She is now on medication (it turned out to be severe anxiety, which fueled the depression) and wow...the improvement is amazing. It's still an uphill battle at times, but I finally feel like we have a fairly peaceful home life and I can actually enjoy spending time with this kid without feeling like she'll blow up at any time.

Also, family therapy is a must. Learning strategies to deal with my child, because the normal stuff does.not.work, changed things immensely.

I am so, so glad we didn't give up on our kid. If you get the right combo of meds/good therapist/therapist for the family, it can be a major game changer.

Thanks! This is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I feel you. Oh, the agony of this situation!

Briefly, we have three kids. The oldest is a 12.5 boy. Brilliant, charming, athletic, creative, and at home can bring all of those talents and skills with brut and dark tactics.

He was diagnosed as combined typed ADHD with dysthymic depression (low grade but persistent depression) and some mild anxiety.

How his world changed when we got him medicated. How our lives as a family changed, too! Wow!

Now, the bigger problem is ensuring that we keep up with his medication as he grows, that we still discipline him, etc.

I will also add that the medication isn't a 100% cure all. The body and brain are amazing chemical factories and there can be swings sometimes, but not often. Atleast now we are better prepared to handle those rare moments, assess whether more meds are needed, counseling, or perhaps nothing at all.

Please get a true psych evaluation for him -- most likely meds will be his friend. I'm all for counseling, but that takes time, while he and your family need immediate results.

Big hugs! Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Shame on you and anyone else who believes OP's son is merely an entitled kid. When someone reaches out to an anonymous forum and has to write unflattering words about their child that suggest a mental illness -- trust me when I say, those people wish they had the problems of an entitled child.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you must trust others judgement about their children. It takes great bravery to post to DCUM about these issues, because of ignorant responses such as yours.

Please do some research. Find some empathy. You will become better people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the consequences of this behavior? Does he have a cell phone, video games, or outside activities that get taken away? Do you make sure there are no electronics in his bedroom. Have you take the hinges off his door because he lost privacy?

Because I would never in a million years tolerate that mental/physical abuse you are allowing to take over your home. You need someone to come into the home, evaluate the entire situation and take over with advice/solutions. A home counselor. Similar to Super Nanny. I remember people posting recommendations here awhile back. Something went wrong somewhere and it needs to be fixed ASAP.

I am so glad you think you wouldn't tolerate the situation and that clamping down is the answer. Don't you think we tried that? Talk to me when you have a child in your life that might have a mental illness. It's nothing like the parenting books, or how we were parented, etc. could prepare you for. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, and awful. And it is the judgement of people like you that make the whole thing that much more painful and isolating. It's easy to armchair quarterback. I did it myself before being in this situation. And let me tell you it is humbling like you cannot imagine.

Well if you are the OP and have put up with all of this without getting mental counseling and are saying you don't want to live with him, that is YOUR fault for not dealing with it.

And I am going to guess the kid still has all of his electronics, has a door on his bedroom, and has a cell phone to use whenever he pleases.

If mental illness was treated by taking away cell phones and doors to bedrooms, what a wonderful world it would be!

Amen and just let karma deal with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Shame on you and anyone else who believes OP's son is merely an entitled kid. When someone reaches out to an anonymous forum and has to write unflattering words about their child that suggest a mental illness -- trust me when I say, those people wish they had the problems of an entitled child.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you must trust others judgement about their children. It takes great bravery to post to DCUM about these issues, because of ignorant responses such as yours.

Please do some research. Find some empathy. You will become better people.

Shame on you to diagnose a child from one anonymous post as having a mental illness. He has never even had a psychiatric consultation!!! How do you know he has a mental condition that is causing him to be this way? How do you know that he is not acting out because he can get away with it? That it is hormones, friend issues etc... Why hasn't the counselor picked up on these so-called mental issues and demanded he get a psychiatric evaluation. How come no one in school has mentioned anything? Please do some research on abuse of diagnoses and overmedicating kids in the world of parents that can't take the time to teach their kids how to handle themselves. Everyone is perfect, everyone gets a trophy!! Yay!!! Shh, don't let anyone see you crying. Stop acting out! Get good grades, be a good friend, be involved. Kids do not have a SECOND to themselves to even understand who they are. They are never left alone. Always told to do this and that. Parents are doing it all wrong and it has EVERYTHING to do with the increase in disorders, medications, and mental issues. And the fact that you all just assume this kid has a mental illness and needs medication from one post is proof.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am another sympathetic parent who understands. I have a child with behavioral/mental health issues that will not be corrected by taking away electronics. You have to live it to understand.

Please do your best to ignore the people who cannot empathize. There are those of us here who do understand.

What has worked very well for my son has been cognitive behavioral therapy. It was a life-saver. It takes a lot of time and dedication though. You cannot do it half way. Please look into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Shame on you and anyone else who believes OP's son is merely an entitled kid. When someone reaches out to an anonymous forum and has to write unflattering words about their child that suggest a mental illness -- trust me when I say, those people wish they had the problems of an entitled child.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you must trust others judgement about their children. It takes great bravery to post to DCUM about these issues, because of ignorant responses such as yours.

Please do some research. Find some empathy. You will become better people.

Shame on you to diagnose a child from one anonymous post as having a mental illness. He has never even had a psychiatric consultation!!! How do you know he has a mental condition that is causing him to be this way? How do you know that he is not acting out because he can get away with it? That it is hormones, friend issues etc... Why hasn't the counselor picked up on these so-called mental issues and demanded he get a psychiatric evaluation. How come no one in school has mentioned anything? Please do some research on abuse of diagnoses and overmedicating kids in the world of parents that can't take the time to teach their kids how to handle themselves. Everyone is perfect, everyone gets a trophy!! Yay!!! Shh, don't let anyone see you crying. Stop acting out! Get good grades, be a good friend, be involved. Kids do not have a SECOND to themselves to even understand who they are. They are never left alone. Always told to do this and that. Parents are doing it all wrong and it has EVERYTHING to do with the increase in disorders, medications, and mental issues. And the fact that you all just assume this kid has a mental illness and needs medication from one post is proof.

Nice, kicking a person when they are down. Please spend all of your time sharing your brilliance with the world.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a post in the young kids forum too.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/536251.page