I am not sure I can live with my son anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Not all counselors know what they are doing. We spent two years going to different therapists trying to get help for our teen until we found one who knew what was going on and actually helped us. And I know many others who have the same story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Shame on you and anyone else who believes OP's son is merely an entitled kid. When someone reaches out to an anonymous forum and has to write unflattering words about their child that suggest a mental illness -- trust me when I say, those people wish they had the problems of an entitled child.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you must trust others judgement about their children. It takes great bravery to post to DCUM about these issues, because of ignorant responses such as yours.

Please do some research. Find some empathy. You will become better people.

Shame on you to diagnose a child from one anonymous post as having a mental illness. He has never even had a psychiatric consultation!!! How do you know he has a mental condition that is causing him to be this way? How do you know that he is not acting out because he can get away with it? That it is hormones, friend issues etc... Why hasn't the counselor picked up on these so-called mental issues and demanded he get a psychiatric evaluation. How come no one in school has mentioned anything? Please do some research on abuse of diagnoses and overmedicating kids in the world of parents that can't take the time to teach their kids how to handle themselves. Everyone is perfect, everyone gets a trophy!! Yay!!! Shh, don't let anyone see you crying. Stop acting out! Get good grades, be a good friend, be involved. Kids do not have a SECOND to themselves to even understand who they are. They are never left alone. Always told to do this and that. Parents are doing it all wrong and it has EVERYTHING to do with the increase in disorders, medications, and mental issues. And the fact that you all just assume this kid has a mental illness and needs medication from one post is proof.

I will say this as nicely as I can -- please learn to read and comprehend. I did not diagnose anyone with a mental illness. I did recommend that you and those like you should do research on mental health issues, find some empathy, and then hopefully you can become a better person.

Lastly, for a forum sensitive to unchecked anger issues -- yours has not gone unnoticed. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the consequences of this behavior? Does he have a cell phone, video games, or outside activities that get taken away? Do you make sure there are no electronics in his bedroom. Have you take the hinges off his door because he lost privacy?

Because I would never in a million years tolerate that mental/physical abuse you are allowing to take over your home. You need someone to come into the home, evaluate the entire situation and take over with advice/solutions. A home counselor. Similar to Super Nanny. I remember people posting recommendations here awhile back. Something went wrong somewhere and it needs to be fixed ASAP.

I am so glad you think you wouldn't tolerate the situation and that clamping down is the answer. Don't you think we tried that? Talk to me when you have a child in your life that might have a mental illness. It's nothing like the parenting books, or how we were parented, etc. could prepare you for. It is heartbreaking, overwhelming, and awful. And it is the judgement of people like you that make the whole thing that much more painful and isolating. It's easy to armchair quarterback. I did it myself before being in this situation. And let me tell you it is humbling like you cannot imagine.

I grew up in a family with a mentally ill brother. To this day I can't tell you how many people had an "opinion" about how to manage my brother, our family all of the issues that arose from him. Not one of them had ever actually lived with a mentally ill family member. Its easy to apply rules to kids that are "normal" mental illness is the most difficult experience to deal with. You never know what will happen next, my brother was on meds, lived away from home, in mental hospitals etc. Unfortunately I wish I had a positive ending - my brother is still mentally ill and now that my parents are deceased I am the one that has to manage his live and find a way to get through my own each and every day. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and hope that you find a balance in your live that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

I love it when people who have absolutely no experience or knowledge about something are so totally convinced that their opinion is worth listening to.

PP --- please, please, please educate yourself about mental illness. Yes, mental illness in kids often DOES only happen at home, probably more often than not. Kids can more or less hold it together at school (at least enough not to throw up red flags with busy teachers), but at home they can't. This is the rule, not the exception.

[Anonymous]

Op, i just read yr post and not the reams of replies. I think getting him to a psychiatrist if he will go will be major. My brother who was extrenely bright and graduated from stanford at 19 now lives wity my aging parents and has flat out failed in life... I am quite sure he suffers from undiagnosed mental illness... Anything from manic bipolar to potentially schizophrenia... This could have been addressed decades ago, if only mental illness werebt taboo in my culture. Now my parents have to set up a trust to ensure his livlihood... Please get yr son help asap. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness my ass. Stop making excuses. Mental illness doesn't only happen at home. Mental illness isn't a switch that he turns on at home only. It is a parenting fail that can be fixed but first, start by getting yourself some mental help.

Exactly. The entitled "It can't be me, they must have a disorder or an illness"

If the OP was that concerned, she would have had him see a psychiatrist years ago. A complete workup, group therapy treatment, maybe even take him out of school. And if the counselor she is supposedly taking him to, saw any red flags, they would have immediately referred her for more help. Something is not adding up here. If you truly believe he has a mental condition, you don't vent on DCUM, you get immediate help. This just seems like another mom who has lost control of her kid.

Shame on you and anyone else who believes OP's son is merely an entitled kid. When someone reaches out to an anonymous forum and has to write unflattering words about their child that suggest a mental illness -- trust me when I say, those people wish they had the problems of an entitled child.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you must trust others judgement about their children. It takes great bravery to post to DCUM about these issues, because of ignorant responses such as yours.

Please do some research. Find some empathy. You will become better people.

Shame on you to diagnose a child from one anonymous post as having a mental illness. He has never even had a psychiatric consultation!!! How do you know he has a mental condition that is causing him to be this way? How do you know that he is not acting out because he can get away with it? That it is hormones, friend issues etc... Why hasn't the counselor picked up on these so-called mental issues and demanded he get a psychiatric evaluation. How come no one in school has mentioned anything? Please do some research on abuse of diagnoses and overmedicating kids in the world of parents that can't take the time to teach their kids how to handle themselves. Everyone is perfect, everyone gets a trophy!! Yay!!! Shh, don't let anyone see you crying. Stop acting out! Get good grades, be a good friend, be involved. Kids do not have a SECOND to themselves to even understand who they are. They are never left alone. Always told to do this and that. Parents are doing it all wrong and it has EVERYTHING to do with the increase in disorders, medications, and mental issues. And the fact that you all just assume this kid has a mental illness and needs medication from one post is proof.

A counselor isn't necessarily a psychologist. A psychologist can do a referral to a psychiatrist, a run-of-the-mill counselor can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the sake of your daughter, one of your kids needs to go to boarding school

He needs to go to military school. Study what 13 year old boys were doing 100 years ago. They were a heck of a lot more independent. He is craving independene. Also, what do you feed him? You do realize that he is going through a major growth spurt, right? If you are not feeding him properly, he is likely to get quite cranky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

I'm the parent who sent her son to 2 WEEKS camp. All my kids attend sleepaways, my girls love it. Ok, hate was a bit strong. My son did not like his because the water was freezing cold (NC mountains n June). Other than that the camp was "boring".

Nothing wrong with kids going away to let parents catch our breath. A 2 week camp is not the same as military school. But we all know that.

OP, I agree with the pp who suggested collaborative problem solving and lots of praise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

I'm the parent who sent her son to 2 WEEKS camp. All my kids attend sleepaways, my girls love it. Ok, hate was a bit strong. My son did not like his because the water was freezing cold (NC mountains n June). Other than that the camp was "boring".

Nothing wrong with kids going away to let parents catch our breath. A 2 week camp is not the same as military school. But we all know that.

OP, I agree with the pp who suggested collaborative problem solving and lots of praise.

Sending your kid off to a camp for 2 weeks to get a break is not helping the underlying issue. It is just you rather not dealing with it and counting down the days until he goes away to make it thru the next year. If you aren't going to parent him correctly, send him to military or boarding school, so they will. Or get a backbone and raise your kid correctly. Otherwise he is a danger to himself and others, and you will be left to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written your story. It has been my life for so long. First, I am so sorry that your whole family is going through this. My son is now 21. We have been struggling since he was 12. We have dealt with numerous mental health professionals on his behalf. For the last several years he has refused any kind of therapy or medications, but we have continued to see a therapist for advice in transitioning him to adulthood. Throughout the years, his various diagnoses have been ADHD, ODD, Depression, etc. He has had every intervention you could imagine. Nothing has really made too much of a difference. It has been, and continues to be so, so exhausting. His time in college has been filled with drugs, alcohol, and recently he has dropped out. Until recently, he flat out refused to get a job. That was really the final straw. We have cut him off financially, which has not been a pleasant process.

Please do not listen to the people who are breaking you down. They lack empathy and any real understanding of what you are dealing with. We have done everything that they chastised you for not doing and it has MADE NO DIFFERENCE.

The only advice I will give is this. Tolerate No Violence or Destructive behavior. We have had to call the police twice. I would do it again. Your home should be your family's sanctuary, and tolerating violence undercuts that. I am happy that DH and I drew this line in our contingency plan, because when you are in the middle of an incident, it is difficult to know which way is up.

Best wishes and prayers.

NP here. This post saddens me as I see my son will be this. He's been difficult since age 3. We have tried EVERYTHING: therapy, IEPs, medication. He's now 12. Sometimes I get so angry that I'm pouring everything into a kid who I know will end up like this. But we keep trying.

OP. Find a good sleepover camp you can send him to this summer. Mine did a 2 week camp, hated it. But I.GOT.A.BREAK. It really recharged me and has gotten me through till now (next winter break he's going somewhere). I sold it to him as a chance to unplug and try new things. But it's really our family respite.

Don't listen to the nay sayers. They have no idea.

My thoughts are with you. Big hug.

If you don't want him around, send him to military school.

I'm the parent who sent her son to 2 WEEKS camp. All my kids attend sleepaways, my girls love it. Ok, hate was a bit strong. My son did not like his because the water was freezing cold (NC mountains n June). Other than that the camp was "boring".

Nothing wrong with kids going away to let parents catch our breath. A 2 week camp is not the same as military school. But we all know that.

OP, I agree with the pp who suggested collaborative problem solving and lots of praise.

Sending your kid off to a camp for 2 weeks to get a break is not helping the underlying issue. It is just you rather not dealing with it and counting down the days until he goes away to make it thru the next year. If you aren't going to parent him correctly, send him to military or boarding school, so they will. Or get a backbone and raise your kid correctly. Otherwise he is a danger to himself and others, and you will be left to blame.

The bolded is harsh, and ignorant. I am a new poster here. Have some compassion for the posters dealing with these issues. Do not judge until you have been through it, too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with some PPs. Send him to military school or boarding school. It will be good for him (he will learn how to control himself). It will be good for you (less stress), it will be good for your daughter (have a normal healthy upbringing.
It has worked for a couple hundred years. The good of the family always used to trump the good of any 1 individual. Now, we, as parents, put all our energy in our 1 non-conforming kid, to the detriment of our other children and our marriage. No one turns out well in this model.
I have 1 out of 4 young children who is wreaking havoc in our house right now, and in the future I will consider military school.

[Anonymous]

I think military boarding school might be the worst possible place for a kid that might have some mental health issues. You think pushups and bed checks are going to whip that mental illness right out of him? Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think military boarding school might be the worst possible place for a kid that might have some mental health issues. You think pushups and bed checks are going to whip that mental illness right out of him? Good grief.

No, I think staying with the same counselor with no medical background and coming onto DCUM about not wanting to live with your son anymore will whip that "supposed" mental illness right out of him.