My mother has no savings and expects help

[Anonymous]

This is so sad. It's just so nightmarish to think about it..

[Anonymous]

OP's mother works and apparently has worked. Ergo, she will qualify for social security benefits (and medicare) when she turns 65, either on her own record, or a former spouse's. Folks, the overwhelming majority of elderly in this country has a sole income that consists of SS. OP owes her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You did a good thing and I'm glad it's worked out for your family. But what if your DH, because of years of dealing with dysfunction and a genetic predisposition to anxiety or other mental health disorders, had found himself floundering with his mother in your household? And was cranky, unhappy, stressed out, on edge, all the time? Would you still have kept her there, even if your DH's distress was having an emotional effect on your children?

Because if my parents came to live with me, I would be a mental health case and would need serious therapy. I'd be a terrible mother around my kids if I had to deal with them on a daily basis. They get under my skin and are affect my emontional stability. I moved across the country in part so as not to have to interact with them in person except for once or twice a year, and that has saved my sanity. My siblings who did not move away have all have problems functioning as adults.

So while I applaud what you've done and recognize it wasn't easy for you, please don't assume that your experience can be the model for everyone else's.

Yes, I would and did - my husband has what you are describing. My husband left home at 16. I've basically told both of her sons to get over it and enjoy the remaining time she has knowing who we are. I'd never agree to bring her to our home again now but I will manage her care, money and make sure all her needs are met (clothing, doctors appointments) and visit once a week. My life was pure hell. I'm saving all the unpleasant details so not to discourage anyone. She always treated me well, and I know it was the dementia. I'm not going to sugar coat it but you do what you need to do. Bring them home, get them set up as a resident and move them out asap. There are programs to help senior low income. I got her into a low income assisted living but she couldn't care for herself enough to make it work. Had we not got the nursing home, we would have put her there and let it be the program's problem till we got her something more suitable.

OP, is concerned about the future. It has not gotten to this stage but it would have been helpful has we moved her earlier and got her into a housing program so we would have never had to bring her to our home for that long and given how much care she needed.

If you walk away and your loved one is in a nursing home, its basically a prison (even if you are involved it is) but prisoners get treated better as at least they get clean clothing and the basics and get to go outside daily. Nursing home will become social security rep. payee, not buy the resident anything and they will basically have 3-4 outfits that are rotated and nothing more. No one will hold them accountable and when family does not visit or is involved, those residents receive far less care and treatment. Even visiting 10 minutes 2 time a month makes a difference.

(now I would not do it for his dad who has never visited, cannot remember my name and only calls when he needs something)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 100% certain you won't take care of her, don't let her stay with you after a hospital stay or you will be stuck with her for a while. It sounds awful to say but hospitals need to discharge patients and will push/guilt you in to taking your parent.

I am sorry but this sounds horrible. We are talking about a parent here. What has gone so wrong that we are ready to toss our elderly and vulnerable parents out on the streets. This is sad.

Will the hospital toss her out on the street???

If she cannot care for herself, they will put her in a nursing home and the state will take guardianship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 100% certain you won't take care of her, don't let her stay with you after a hospital stay or you will be stuck with her for a while. It sounds awful to say but hospitals need to discharge patients and will push/guilt you in to taking your parent.

I am sorry but this sounds horrible. We are talking about a parent here. What has gone so wrong that we are ready to toss our elderly and vulnerable parents out on the streets. This is sad.

You don't know what you're talking about unless you lived it. My mother and I have a tense relationship, but I'd give her whatever help she needed. We already provide significant financial support to my FIL, even though his current situation is entirely his own fault and he's incredibly entitled about it. I'd walk through fire to help my MIL, she's amazing. But when my father was getting discharged from an in-patient rehab center (physical rehab, not substance abuse unfortunately) and the doctor was heavily pressuring me to take him in because he was homeless at that point, I said no. I said no because some people are so incredibly toxic and abusive that the level of harm and destruction they bring to you is simply unbearable. He was not just a falling-down drunk who would do things like pee, shit and vomit all over the place and leave it there for others to clean, who would tell such gross and awful lies about me to other people that I once ended up with the police at my door due to a story he'd made up about me, but he also came onto me more than once in very explicit ways as a young adult. I stayed in the picture enough to ensure he moved through the social services system (they found a halfway house for him to go to), but that was as close to it as I could get. There was no way I could even talk to him, let alone let him live with me.

Your situation is a bit different and no one would take him (well, I would not and I took my MIL). There is no need for you to talk him. If he is that ill, he needs far more care than you can provide. What we have found is many of the hospital and nursing home social workers, if you want to even call them that will only do the absolute minimum, and normally nothing. Social services is a joke as well as I called many many occasions seeking help. I finally got a nurse who did help minimally but it was enough to get my MIL out of my home in terms of a nursing home recommendation. I wouldn't take my FIL.