My mother has no savings and expects help

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've read all the responses so far and thank you for all the advice! In regards to my mother not having any savings.. I can not attest to how much her paychecks were when I was growing up. 18+ I paid for everything on my own and didn't receive money from my mom. She's a nurse but she says she hates working and only works part time and has for the last 10 years. She has made no effort to save. What little money she has she spends on frivolous things and going to the movies. We are all entitled to a few luxuries but she goes to the movies daily.

My husband's grandparents are in a nursing home and have seen the mental toll it has taken on everyone involved. I decided to broach the question with my mother about having a plan and she said she expects to move in with us. She'll never go to a nursing home. I told her that simply wasn't an option and stated mother in law also isn't coming to live with us. It's just the way it is. Well, she burst into tears and told me what a bitch I am for not letting her live with me. It's just exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I get you, OP. I think you do what you feel comfortable doing, and that's it. You don't owe your mother the adult happiness you've worked hard for. We're in a similar position with my father, though I think he has some minimal resources. We may contribute a bit financially as we can, but aren't endangering our savings or our kids' college funds on his behalf.

My mother isn't a narcissist, but I did a lot of the emotional care taking in my family from a young age, and it's hard. I worked my ass off in therapy to get to where I am, and have a great husband and kids. I'm not going to sacrifice their or my emotional well-being for my parents. So, be clear on what you'll do, knowing that may change a bit over time depending on her needs, and take good care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

^^Just saw your update, OP: sending hugs. It's SO exhausting, and so hard after what you've gone through your whole life. You're doing the right thing to protect yourself and your family. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your mom goes to the movies daily because she is terribly lonely. I have a mentally disabled relative who does this. He really lacks companionship because he is higher functioning than the other adults in his group home, but not at the intellectual level where he can easily make non-disabled friends. He goes to the movies from loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes we can be more giving and loving to other people even if they were not able to give us the same thing in exchange. You could ignore her; you can help her navigate bureaucracy, or you could accept that she failed as a mother but she is still your mother and you are a stronger and bigger person who is able to help her out. Most people would do one of the first two, but you do have the option of doing the third. Who else is going to take care of her? Leave a bureaucrat to do it?

Why does your response to her have to be perfectly reciprocal? I take care of my child the right way, even if I think 40 years from now she might abandon me as an old woman. I do it because it's my duty as a mother. It's called moral responsibility.

But what if the person you are bringing into your home is toxic? What if they break things, stay up all night making noise, constantly criticize you, leave food laying all around, prevent your child from studying? What if, when you ask them to stop these things, they yell, scream, cry, and generally act up? What if they seem incapable of understanding common manners?

[Anonymous]

NP here, and I'm not exactly in the same situation, my mother doesn't expect to move in with us, but my one sibling, my brother is the golden child, and she rarely contacts me unless she's in a financial pinch. And then she expects me to send hundreds of dollars at a moment's notice. It's maddening.

Just wanted to commiserate. Do you the best you can, but do what you can handle. I really feel for you in your situation.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather slit my wrists than to live with my kids and their spouses. Luckily my husband set me up so I won't have to.

Best case scenario, I die before he does.

[Anonymous]

I think many people on dcurbanmom either don't come from dysfunctional families, and therefore don't understand the need to break the chain, or are fully enmeshed with their dysfunctional families, and cannot break the chain.

In any event, I'm not sure why people are blathering on about long term assisted living. This obese, prediabetic woman (per OP) is not going to live long enough to get to that stage. She may not even live long enough to collect her SS benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

And your kids will watch you abandon your parents and learn nothing about moral responsibility, and the cycle will repeat. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've read all the responses so far and thank you for all the advice! In regards to my mother not having any savings.. I can not attest to how much her paychecks were when I was growing up. 18+ I paid for everything on my own and didn't receive money from my mom. She's a nurse but she says she hates working and only works part time and has for the last 10 years. She has made no effort to save. What little money she has she spends on frivolous things and going to the movies. We are all entitled to a few luxuries but she goes to the movies daily.

My husband's grandparents are in a nursing home and have seen the mental toll it has taken on everyone involved. I decided to broach the question with my mother about having a plan and she said she expects to move in with us. She'll never go to a nursing home. I told her that simply wasn't an option and stated mother in law also isn't coming to live with us. It's just the way it is. Well, she burst into tears and told me what a bitch I am for not letting her live with me. It's just exhausting.

Good work OP with being clear on boundaries. Keep it up! Your mom had years to accumulate savings and plan for the future and chose not to do so. You are under no obligation to bank roll her in the style her dictates. Do the thinking now so that you are clear on what you will and won't do. You can give through being empathetic/supportive, you can give some of your time and your skills. That is plenty OP. Only you can decide what you are comfortable with.

It is also wise of you to start the planning now so that you aren't guilted into doing anything when a decision needs to be made and emotions are high.

[Anonymous]

r
OP- If your Mom can work part-time as a nurse, then she can be given information on services for senior s in her area and told to go find out what her options are. You would still do well to research Medicaid, lower income or subsidized senior housing in her area as well as assisted living center options. Do you know if you or you brother are listed by her as on a health care directive or power of attorney form so that you might end up more involved in an emergency than you even expected? Sound like this needs to be a continuing conversation - maybe break it down into small steps. It does sound like your Mother has mental health issues which will make a hard situation even worse. How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

And your kids will watch you abandon your parents and learn nothing about moral responsibility, and the cycle will repeat. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Bullshit. My kids see me doing what I can for my parents, and when they're old enough, they will understand why I make the choices I make. My parents left me to fend for myself against bullies, inappropriately relied on me to keep the family together, and, worst of all, they made choices that have endangered my children. I will NOT put them above my kids.

Moreover, the apple is falling far from the tree in my prioritizing my kids in a way my parents never prioritized me. THEY matter FAR more to me than my parents. I OWE them that. If i've done my job when I'm elderly, I will be able to afford care for myself, so I won't force my children to provide inappropriate levels of care.

[Anonymous]

If she's a nurse that works part time she knows very well all the options available and how to navigate them, or at the very least can figure it out.

She is hoping YOU don't, and will believe her son story and let her do the easiest option which is moving in with you.

I would do the research just so you can tell her "actually no you won't end up homeless. Here, look what kind of hous if I found at x y and z that you qualify for."