My mother has no savings and expects help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

And your kids will watch you abandon your parents and learn nothing about moral responsibility, and the cycle will repeat. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Bullshit. My kids see me doing what I can for my parents, and when they're old enough, they will understand why I make the choices I make. My parents left me to fend for myself against bullies, inappropriately relied on me to keep the family together, and, worst of all, they made choices that have endangered my children. I will NOT put them above my kids.

Moreover, the apple is falling far from the tree in my prioritizing my kids in a way my parents never prioritized me. THEY matter FAR more to me than my parents. I OWE them that. If i've done my job when I'm elderly, I will be able to afford care for myself, so I won't force my children to provide inappropriate levels of care.

You'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

And your kids will watch you abandon your parents and learn nothing about moral responsibility, and the cycle will repeat. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Bullshit. My kids see me doing what I can for my parents, and when they're old enough, they will understand why I make the choices I make. My parents left me to fend for myself against bullies, inappropriately relied on me to keep the family together, and, worst of all, they made choices that have endangered my children. I will NOT put them above my kids.

Moreover, the apple is falling far from the tree in my prioritizing my kids in a way my parents never prioritized me. THEY matter FAR more to me than my parents. I OWE them that. If i've done my job when I'm elderly, I will be able to afford care for myself, so I won't force my children to provide inappropriate levels of care.

You'll see.

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Well, then, you are a little shit. It will be well-deserved karma when your kids abandon you.

You don't know what you're talking about. Many of us are working damn hard to raise our kids better than we were raised, and that means prioritizing our kids and marriages over our dysfunctional parents' needs. I plan to NEVER treat my kids as I was treated. That includes planning for my old age so they aren't left to shoulder the burden on their own.

And your kids will watch you abandon your parents and learn nothing about moral responsibility, and the cycle will repeat. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Bullshit. My kids see me doing what I can for my parents, and when they're old enough, they will understand why I make the choices I make. My parents left me to fend for myself against bullies, inappropriately relied on me to keep the family together, and, worst of all, they made choices that have endangered my children. I will NOT put them above my kids.

Moreover, the apple is falling far from the tree in my prioritizing my kids in a way my parents never prioritized me. THEY matter FAR more to me than my parents. I OWE them that. If i've done my job when I'm elderly, I will be able to afford care for myself, so I won't force my children to provide inappropriate levels of care.

You'll see.

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

Good to read a sensible post from someone who "gets it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
r
OP- If your Mom can work part-time as a nurse, then she can be given information on services for senior s in her area and told to go find out what her options are. You would still do well to research Medicaid, lower income or subsidized senior housing in her area as well as assisted living center options. Do you know if you or you brother are listed by her as on a health care directive or power of attorney form so that you might end up more involved in an emergency than you even expected? Sound like this needs to be a continuing conversation - maybe break it down into small steps. It does sound like your Mother has mental health issues which will make a hard situation even worse. How old is she?

OP here. She just turned 60. I'm 32 and I live 500 or so miles away from her. I used to see her once a week and now it's only 2-3 times a year. One of major reasons we moved was to distance ourselves from my toxic relatives. It's important to me more than anything to see a loving functional family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you owe her 18 years if free room, board, clothing, and medical care. After that, you can kick her out since she should be well-prepared for the adult world.

Op didn't choose to be born. Her mother decided she wanted to be a mother... But your children should never be your retirement plan... It's basically taking resources away from your grandchildren...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1

What if you know nothing about navigating bureaucracy?

It's not that hard. Honestly.
I posted before about working in this area. Medicaid SSI are made to be user friendly due to the population they overwhelmingly serve. Think about the millions of people who have little to no education who benefit from these services.
OP can definitely do it.

I'm sure that it's "not that hard". But if you don't work in that industry or have never used services like that before yourself it is foreign territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

+1

What if you know nothing about navigating bureaucracy?

It's not that hard. Honestly.
I posted before about working in this area. Medicaid SSI are made to be user friendly due to the population they overwhelmingly serve. Think about the millions of people who have little to no education who benefit from these services.
OP can definitely do it.

I'm sure that it's "not that hard". But if you don't work in that industry or have never used services like that before yourself it is foreign territory.

How do you think millions of high school drop outs who are illiterate manage to get food stamps and free housing? I'm not trying to be derogatory, but the system is set up to serve people that actually cannot take care of themselves in the most basic of ways: food, clothing and shelter. It is NOT like trying to figure out a mortgage. It is literally (and I hate to use that word) made for people with less than a 3rd grade reading level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not think a parent is owed anything. I do not understand this mindset. If my parent was an asshole I would not help even a little.

Many states legally disagree with you and will hold you responsible, allowing health care providers, hospitals and nursing homes to sue you directly to pay your parents' bills.

Not true. When you enroll your parent in a nursing home, you sign a form stating you will be financially responsible or not. We had this happen where the nursing home did some really shady financial stuff and tried to go after us. We went for legal guardianship (you do do this when your parent is not of sound mind -very easy to do) and became social security rep. payee and now they have to allow us to make all decision but we are not financially responsible. Usually you have to agree for them to hold you accountable. If your parent is on medicaid, they cannot ask for more than the parent's social security check. Its more of an issue private pay and OP mom cannot private pay.

It really depends on which state you are in. If OP is in PA, watch out!

what if op's mother is in PA but she is several states away? any insight there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You are a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You let your kids be around grandma when her health was failing and she was abusive? Ok. Choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You let your kids be around grandma when her health was failing and she was abusive? Ok. Choices.

Yes, must protect snowflakes from real life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You let your kids be around grandma when her health was failing and she was abusive? Ok. Choices.

They understood that grandma was ill and we had to take care of her as it was our family responsibility. Seriously, dementia is not her fault. Its a horrible illness especially given it was early onset. She was not being deliberately abusive. She'd never say those things to me if she didn't have dementia. It is about choices... you choose to treat others how you want to be treated. What would I teach my kids if I abandoned her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband had a crappy childhood. We took in his mom - why? We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example. Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life. I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home. I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs. I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it. And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved. But what if she drank, played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude. What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking? Would you still take her in?

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me. It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising. Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area). She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia). There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication). I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her. I would do it again if I had to. Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.

You let your kids be around grandma when her health was failing and she was abusive? Ok. Choices.

They understood that grandma was ill and we had to take care of her as it was our family responsibility. Seriously, dementia is not her fault. Its a horrible illness especially given it was early onset. She was not being deliberately abusive. She'd never say those things to me if she didn't have dementia. It is about choices... you choose to treat others how you want to be treated. What would I teach my kids if I abandoned her?

I wouldn't want the last memories my kids have of grandma to be those. I would send her to a facility and visit often. Bring the kids when she's having good days. That's just me. Your heart is in the right place but I wouldn't have gone that route.