My mother has no savings and expects help

[Anonymous]

Background: I am pretty sure my mom is depressed and borderline narcissist. She is also morbidly obese and pre-diabetic. She will not eat healthfully and refuses to exercise. I could go on but..she's just not a good role model.

Anyway..

I brought up the question of long term care with my mother to see what her plans were with savings and long term care insurance. Well, apparently she has $0 savings and no insurance. Furthermore she said "oh, won't you and your husband help me?"


I'm not going to give her money or let her move in so no idea what to do and say about this. Anyone in this situation?

[Anonymous]

I think you owe her 18 years if free room, board, clothing, and medical care. After that, you can kick her out since she should be well-prepared for the adult world.

[Anonymous]

I dont really have an answer for you but no way do you "owe" her 18 years of free room and board. That's just bullshit! You probably need to get social services or Medicaid involved when the time comes that she can no longer take care of herself.

[Anonymous]

I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

This. It is quite complicated, particularly for someone who is not in top form.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I would like to add that I am a functional adult but not because of my mother. She has always basically been a needy child who shared her adult problems with her children at a very young age and chose her boyfriends over her kids. It's hard to articulate what a subpar parent she has been. I don't think I owe her much. She birthed me but I feel like I navigated childhood and early adulthood alone.

[Anonymous]

If you are 100% certain you won't take care of her, don't let her stay with you after a hospital stay or you will be stuck with her for a while. It sounds awful to say but hospitals need to discharge patients and will push/guilt you in to taking your parent.

[Anonymous]

Take some time to learn why she is the way she is. Perhaps your sanctimonious judgment is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. You mom sounds like my MIL. I'm not sure how we will handle her when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I would like to add that I am a functional adult but not because of my mother. She has always basically been a needy child who shared her adult problems with her children at a very young age and chose her boyfriends over her kids. It's hard to articulate what a subpar parent she has been. I don't think I owe her much. She birthed me but I feel like I navigated childhood and early adulthood alone.

I think you need to articulate. Did she give u up for adoption or was she responsible enough to raise you?

[Anonymous]

Op, even if you don't offer her financial assistance it will be to your benefit to help her navigate Medicaid and other social services. It's actually in your benefit to, you don't want to be on the hook for your mothers nursing home care as filial piety laws grow more and more popular. Ensuring Medicaid is covering her will solve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont really have an answer for you but no way do you "owe" her 18 years of free room and board. That's just bullshit! You probably need to get social services or Medicaid involved when the time comes that she can no longer take care of herself.

Sarcasm really escapes you.

[Anonymous]

Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think you owe her the assistance of navigating bureaucracy. I would start now.

This. It is quite complicated, particularly for someone who is not in top form.

Absolutely this.
You will need to be the one to figure out what she may benefit for (social security disability? Medicare? Medicaid? Food stamps? Section 8 housing? Energy bill assistance? Senior housing?) and help her set it up. That is it.
We are in a similar situation with my inlaws and I will tell you the same thing I told him when he was getting frantic: the stats shows that only a very small percentage of people have any money saved, let alone saved for retirement. There is a huge and adequate (note use of the word adequate) level of service for people including Medicare and Medicaid and that is what they will have to use.

I work in that system and have buildings full of people getting 24/7 care for years through services and they get the same care as the people I drive across town to do private pay care.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I will most definitely navigate her through the channels of Medicaid etc. I guess I should have gone through my post throughly before posting. She wants to live with us and pay for her bills. That's her grand plan.