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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

My husband had a crappy childhood.  We took in his mom - why?  We would want our child to do the same if we needed it and you need to set a good example.  Even if you can afford care, there is still a lot of time/work involved in managing someone's life.  I am the poster who took the MIL and got her into a nursing home.  I easily spend 5-10 hours many (not all) weeks between visiting and managing her care/needs.  I do it as my child watches everything I do and copies it.  And, regardless of everything he deserves a relationship with his grandparents.[/quote]

I suppose his mother is reasonably well behaved.  But what if she drank,  played loud music all the time, walked into your bedroom at all hours, stayed up all night, prevented your child from doing their homework and was generally extremely rude.  What if, when you asked her not to do that, she started yelling, swearing, and kicking?  Would you still take her in?[/quote]

My MIL had moderate to severe dementia... It was an absolute nightmare for me.  It was 24/7 care, from feeding, to bathing to cooking to supervising.  Wars as she had a tv in her room and she insisted on watching Law and Order SVU in our living room with our young kids around (small house, only sitting area).  She'd be pure mean to me (it was the dementia).  There were constant accidents (not her fault but medication).  I did it as long as I could till a nursing home took her.  I would do it again if I had to.  Her other son who lived closer abandoned her and wouldn't even check on her every few months.    [/quote]

You did a good thing and I'm glad it's worked out for your family.  But what if your DH, because of years of dealing with dysfunction and a genetic predisposition to anxiety or other mental health disorders, had found himself floundering with his mother in your household? And was cranky, unhappy, stressed out, on edge, all the time?  Would you still have kept her there, even if your DH's distress was having an emotional effect on your children?

Because if my parents came to live with me, I would be a mental health case and would need serious therapy. I'd be a terrible mother around my kids if I had to deal with them on a daily basis. They get under my skin and are affect my emontional stability.  I moved across the country in part so as not to have to interact with them in person except for once or twice a year, and that has saved my sanity. My siblings who did not move away have all have problems functioning as adults.

So while I applaud what you've done and recognize it wasn't easy for you, please don't assume that your experience can be the model for everyone else's.
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Yes, I would and did - my husband has what you are describing.  My husband left home at 16.  I've basically told both of her sons to get over it and enjoy the remaining time she has knowing who we are.  I'd never agree to bring her to our home again now but I will manage her care, money and make sure all her needs are met (clothing, doctors appointments) and visit once a week.  My life was pure hell.  I'm saving all the unpleasant details so not to discourage anyone.  She always treated me well, and I know it was the dementia.   I'm not going to sugar coat it but you do what you need to do.  Bring them home, get them set up as a resident and move them out asap.  There are programs to help senior low income.  I got her into a low income assisted living but she couldn't care for herself enough to make it work.  Had we not got the nursing home, we would have put her there and let it be the program's problem till we got her something more suitable.

OP, is concerned about the future.  It has not gotten to this stage but it would have been helpful has we moved her earlier and got her into a housing program so we would have never had to bring her to our home for that long and given how much care she needed.

If you walk away and your loved one is in a nursing home, its basically a prison (even if you are involved it is) but prisoners get treated better as at least they get clean clothing and the basics and get to go outside daily.  Nursing home will become social security rep. payee, not buy the resident anything and they will basically have 3-4 outfits that are rotated and nothing more.  No one will hold them accountable and when family does not visit or is involved, those residents receive far less care and treatment.  Even visiting 10 minutes 2 time a month makes a difference.

(now I would not do it for his dad who has never visited, cannot remember my name and only calls when he needs something)
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