My mother has no savings and expects help

[Anonymous]

OP here once more. She thinks because we "are rich". Her words not mine.. And we aren't.. That we will pay for her. It's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take some time to learn why she is the way she is. Perhaps your sanctimonious judgment is misplaced.

OP - I hope you're ignoring all the sanctimonious and judgmental posters. They've obviously never had to live with a narcissistic parent. At some point I expect that we will be stuck with some bills in order to keep my MIL, But will do whatever it takes to keep her out of our house. She makes my has been miserable and she can't help but teach the kids awful things because of her worldview.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

Not me. I imagine my kids will "mooch off" of me as you do crudely put it. Some of us simply have enough wisdom and insight to understand that our humanity trumps our bank account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are 100% certain you won't take care of her, don't let her stay with you after a hospital stay or you will be stuck with her for a while. It sounds awful to say but hospitals need to discharge patients and will push/guilt you in to taking your parent.

In some states, like PA you can be legally on the hook for this as the child. Do your research in your locality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

Not me. I imagine my kids will "mooch off" of me as you do crudely put it. Some of us simply have enough wisdom and insight to understand that our humanity trumps our bank account.

I don't understand the "parents mooching off" comment. I'm sure the mom referenced in this post, barely made enough to make ends meet. She spent it on her kids/home probably than save for her retirement. Like most parents do. Children need to understand what sacrifice means and it's all not monetary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

Not me. I imagine my kids will "mooch off" of me as you do crudely put it. Some of us simply have enough wisdom and insight to understand that our humanity trumps our bank account.

I don't understand the "parents mooching off" comment. I'm sure the mom referenced in this post, barely made enough to make ends meet. She spent it on her kids/home probably than save for her retirement. Like most parents do. Children need to understand what sacrifice means and it's all not monetary.

Projecting. No way of knowing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

Not me. I imagine my kids will "mooch off" of me as you do crudely put it. Some of us simply have enough wisdom and insight to understand that our humanity trumps our bank account.

I don't understand the "parents mooching off" comment. I'm sure the mom referenced in this post, barely made enough to make ends meet. She spent it on her kids/home probably than save for her retirement. Like most parents do. Children need to understand what sacrifice means and it's all not monetary.

Projecting. No way of knowing that.

You are right. I am projecting because I don't know the whole story. But if the mother was in OPs life ( despite all her foibles) pretty sure she would fall in this category

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I will most definitely navigate her through the channels of Medicaid etc. I guess I should have gone through my post throughly before posting. She wants to live with us and pay for her bills. That's her grand plan.

Op, it's ok to vent here but honestly you know that you simply (and we know it's not simple) have to say firmly but kindly that she is not moving in. I'm sure you have had years of practice putting up boundaries and saying no.

She can't make you open your door and unload all of her stuff in your house, right? So this is just another hump in the long long road of dealing with your mother where you have to learn to hang up the phone, redirect the conversation, be clear and firm in your boundaries, and direct her towards the information you get about senior living options for her.
She will do as she pleases, and there is nothing you can do other than provide information and help in that regard while firmly declining her requests for money and housing from you.

That's really it. Good luck to you

[Anonymous]

Mom, it's not going to work to think you're going to live with us. And we can't afford to support you. But let's make a game plan and figure out what kind of benefits you're entitled to and what the care options are.

Are you an only child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom, it's not going to work to think you're going to live with us. And we can't afford to support you. But let's make a game plan and figure out what kind of benefits you're entitled to and what the care options are.

Are you an only child?

No, I have a brother. (Op here). He's the golden child and I'm the other one. Anyone who has researched narcissism is familiar with that term? He lives in a one bedroom apartment so she couldn't move there.

[Anonymous]

I have a mom like this. She once told my sister that she (the sister) was her retirement plan. Refuses to accept any responsibility for herself and has been that way for a while. Yes, depression is a factor but has refused my suggestions/advice even when problems were on a much smaller scale. Only difference is that my mom was a pretty good mom when we were little. Still, all siblings are angry. We have more money than time. We could pay bills but she won't even lift a finger to help herself. My sympathies. Decide on a middle ground about what you can offer (time and money) in a calm moment and then stick to your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there a bunch of posters here who are planning on mooching off their kids?

Not me. I imagine my kids will "mooch off" of me as you do crudely put it. Some of us simply have enough wisdom and insight to understand that our humanity trumps our bank account.

I don't understand the "parents mooching off" comment. I'm sure the mom referenced in this post, barely made enough to make ends meet. She spent it on her kids/home probably than save for her retirement. Like most parents do. Children need to understand what sacrifice means and it's all not monetary.

Projecting. No way of knowing that.

You are right. I am projecting because I don't know the whole story. But if the mother was in OPs life ( despite all her foibles) pretty sure she would fall in this category

Wow. You are naive.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I would think through by yourself (and maybe a close friend who might be objective...ie NOT your husband at this moment) what you think you COULD do for your mom and set your boundaries now. If you know that you can do a lot for her without having her move in or mooch off of you, then you can feel comfortable with boundaries. "Moving in" is such a major transition that there certainly should not be an expectation from ANY parent that kids should take them in. But you may be able to provide extras for you mom (or send her some support) that you could live with. Some of the reason we support our parents, even neglectful ones, is to demonstrate to our kids. But only you know how that would make you feel. Whatever you do, do what you can live with. That is the decision you're making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here once more. She thinks because we "are rich". Her words not mine.. And we aren't.. That we will pay for her. It's insane.

Possibly your mother is insane. Clearly you won't lift a finger to help her, but she keeps hoping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I will most definitely navigate her through the channels of Medicaid etc. I guess I should have gone through my post throughly before posting. She wants to live with us and pay for her bills. That's her grand plan.

Bring up the subject of Medicaid and how you will initiate this plan. Tell her this is the plan, unless she has other ideas. A reality check is in order.

If you have no intention of bringing her to your home, you need to say so. This isn't as simple as it sounds, by the way. Depending upon her health and limitations, it is no small task to simply bring in an elderly person into your home to live. I had a difficult time bringing my elderly, frail father to my home to even visit; it was hard for him to navigate the stairs in our split level home. It took my DH and I to safely get him inside to our main level and then down four steps to our family room. He needed to be near a bathroom and then had to use our tiny powder room - that was a feat in and of itself. The bathroom was too small for him to use with ease and comfort.

His own home was equally unsuitable - no main level bedroom, no main level full bathroom, steps to enter house, huge winding staircase up to bedrooms, etc.

My dad lives in a nursing home now.