S/O I was the OW and I told the wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You dated for a year and didn't google him? Did I miss something?

You do know that plenty of people have generic names or don't have an online presence, right? You could google me all day and sift through the results for years without knowing which entry relates to me as opposed to hundreds of people with my first and last name.

You date for a year and only know first snd last name?

Stop sleeping with people you hardly know.... Or stop complaining when you are used and thrown away like trash.

Op here. How many times are you going to post bitchy, sanctimonious responses in this thread before you get a life? Someone must've thrown you away like the trashy heifer you are to make you so bitter. Seek help.

You are obsessing about a triad you created and has been over for more than 2 years ?.. But I am the one that needs help. Okay, it's obvious how you became a "victim".

Go get your revenge, talk to the wife, you will still feel dirty ... Then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PP here. Yep, total sociopaths, all of them. My super cheater was so attentive. He was talking about the future. Looking back, it was a schtick for him. He had to work hard for me, because I didn't fall for it. I was leaving the area to go to grad school. I was just looking for a fun relationship until I left. He kept telling me his company was bidding on various contracts. When they won, he would hire me and we'd move to X state or X country so we could be together. I kept telling him his was crazy. But in a different time in my life, I totally would have eaten that up!

As for the wife. I'm so glad I talked with my super cheater's wife. Based on my experience, I would talk or meet with her. If you are worried she is a nut case. Get a throw away Google number or a burner phone. Most likely she is just in a lot of pain and needs to talk with someone who knew her husband in a way no one else will understand.

Op here. How did the wife react when you met up? Do you think you were helpful to her at the end of the day and was she helpful to you? Sorry if you have already posted this.

PP Here. She backed out of meeting me. But we did talk many times over 2 weeks when the initial discovery happened. Then we talked again (once) several years later when she asked me to speak to her lawyer. I'm glad I did it. She did not blame me. We were able to compare notes. It helped me see just how deranged and sick he was. I think it helped her to see me not as some slutty harpy that seduced her husband. But just a fellow woman who he had lied to just as much as he lied to her. I think me talking with her, helped to put some pieces into place for her. It also made me feel less like a victim, in a strange way. Talking with her helped me heal.

I don't know if you'd feel that way since it's been so long since it happened to you. But you could always say to her, "This is opening up some wounds for me. I don't know if this is best for me. If we talk, please understand I may have to end the conversation sooner than you like. I may not be able to talk with you again. I may not be able to help you the way you need. But I'm willing to give one conversation a try."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice of you to meet her. If you were lost and terrified and alone, I'm sure you would appreciate someone being kind enough to listen to you. Treat her how you would hope someone would treat you.

No way would i meet her in person, but I'd agree to a phone mtg and allow for a long time for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?

Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.

You thought he was completely single with no action ever?

Not OP, but you're being ridiculous. Dating others (and not having a monogamous conversation) is in a wholly different league than "I Have a wife and kids who have no idea I have this other apartment or that I'm dating you and going on vacations with you". You are rationalizing something that canNOT be rationalized.

[Anonymous]

I'm divorced and would NEVER find myself dating a married man. I'm too smart now.

Just saying, OP.

Get a life.

[Anonymous]

My uncle is very wealthy and fooled his entire family. Over his 25 year relationship with my aunt, he was actually cheating on her 3-4 nights out of the week. He was a sex addict, a very good liar, (and conveniently) he traveled for business frequently which allowed him to hide his double life.

He was even engaged to another woman while married to my aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've also been the unsuspecting OW, OP. It sucks and I get it. Ignore the haters on the thread.

I think you should send a polite but formal and clear-boundaries email in reply. express compassion for what she's going through, but say that it was an awful period for you, you've worked hard to put it behind you, and you don't wish to relive it by talking to her. Maybe add that if she wants to talk because she is seeking a divorce then her lawyer can contact you from now on, but she should already have more than enough information from your last email.

She is asking you to be a friend and that is just a bad idea. She's now where you were, remember--that nasty email years ago was her in denial and lashing out. Now she is actually grappling with it, a betrayal a lot worse than yours. You can have compassion for her all you want but you do not need to take on her pain and reopen your own wounds by being her friend. He hurt you both but your shared pain is no basis for a relationship.

I never did contact the wife and always wondered if I should have. The Ashley Madison hack brought it all back for me because when I looked at the records on Fairfax Underground my lying married ex-BF was on that site like white on rice. In the end it gave me more, not less, peace because the information being so accessible meant I no longer had even a tiny theoretical obligation to inform her. Likewise, your obligation towards her is long over. Keep on with the recovery and good luck finding real love. Decent men are out there.

This is superb advice. Do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm divorced and would NEVER find myself dating a married man. I'm too smart now.

Just saying, OP.

Get a life.

Did you even read this? She didn't know he was married.

[Anonymous]

While I do pity her for her grief over her loser hubby, you are the last person she should be turning to for help.

Perhaps she has zero family or close friends she can confide in so she thinks talking to you is her only option.

You can tactfully tell her that that ship sailed long long ago & that in all honesty, you have moved on w/your life since then and no longer want to discuss said events.

In all honesty, forming any type of relationship w/this woman will just set you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. It might be a trap.

2. Even if she is sincere, what do you have to gain from getting involved in their drama?

Surprised it took so many posters before someone mention this.

Op here. You are both so right. My heart makes me want to be there for her in some kind of way because I could have used a shoulder to cry on after I found out. But I don't need some vengeful wife trying to get back at me. Women are so hard on other women. Although I do think it would be weird for her to be surfacing after all this time just for revenge. Wouldn't she have gotten revenge on me two years ago, if she wanted it?

Am prone to agree with you regarding the timeline. Two years is an awfully long time to plot.

No good advice for you, OP, just sorry this happened to you and you've had to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice of you to meet her. If you were lost and terrified and alone, I'm sure you would appreciate someone being kind enough to listen to you. Treat her how you would hope someone would treat you.

No way would i meet her in person, but I'd agree to a phone mtg and allow for a long time for it.

Second this, but as a PP suggested get a Google number or a burn phone. Maybe talking with you will be cathartic or informative for her, but do not get pulled into any kind of relationship with her. This is no longer your problem. Talk to her - once. Then move on.

Absolutely do not meet her in person. People are capable of crazy shit - at the very least, you don't want her knowing what you look like. Too many crazies out there. And a woman scorned? Forget it.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to me. It didn't go on as long, because his wife actually found out and contacted me. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut when I heard from her. We had gone on trips together, talked about plans in the future, he was going to go to a friend's wedding with me, etc. I did end up having a long conversation with her. She seemed kind of cool, actually, like under different circumstances we might have been friends (I guess he had a type, huh?). I was clear that I didn't know he was married and never would have dated him if I had, and she just wanted to get a handle on what happened. I was also clear that I was never going to see him or talk to him again. She said she was leaving him, but since he lied about everything, she was just hoping I could help her understand the facts.

I don't know that I would have been comfortable meeting her in person--we only talked by phone. But I am glad that I had a real conversation with her.

OP, I think you can't go wrong either way. You can send her a nice note explaining that you don't want to talk about this part of your past again, or you could agree to have a phone conversation with her to answer whatever questions she might have. But you are not the right person to support her through this time.

[Anonymous]

Me too, she has contacted me, several times, telling me about her pain, about other women he was also seeing, about other things that he has done to her, apologizing to me, then calling me names, then apologizing for that, she stayed with him, and still texts me when they fight, sends me pictures of his stuff on fire, I don't know why, weird to me too, but yes people, it happens.