S/O I was the OW and I told the wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I know you are looking for closure on this, OP, and are tempted to contact her.

Before you do, ask yourself what purpose will it serve. You need to protect yourself if this woman is on the warpath and doesn't care who she hurts as long as her husband goes down. I am less concerned with physical vengeance as with public outing. Don't give out your address or full name or place of work. You will be able to see exactly where this is going in the first few minutes of your conversation, if you decide to take her up on the offer.

Op here. You know what, you are right. I think that I had no closure on some level. It was such a disorienting experience and I did not tell anyone because I was just too humiliated. I hate that this is all coming up again and bringing up those feelings. I feel guilty all over again as if I was complicit in her husband betraying her, but I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

1. It might be a trap.

2. Even if she is sincere, what do you have to gain from getting involved in their drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Op here. The guy I am talking about is 6'2, maybe 220?, with a name starting with T. I doubt you know the same guy because what are the odds. I have since learned that this kind of thing is very common. A lot of dirt bags out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I know you are looking for closure on this, OP, and are tempted to contact her.

Before you do, ask yourself what purpose will it serve. You need to protect yourself if this woman is on the warpath and doesn't care who she hurts as long as her husband goes down. I am less concerned with physical vengeance as with public outing. Don't give out your address or full name or place of work. You will be able to see exactly where this is going in the first few minutes of your conversation, if you decide to take her up on the offer.

Op here. You know what, you are right. I think that I had no closure on some level. It was such a disorienting experience and I did not tell anyone because I was just too humiliated. I hate that this is all coming up again and bringing up those feelings. I feel guilty all over again as if I was complicit in her husband betraying her, but I had no idea.

I'm the pp who was in a similar situation. A year relationship and you didn't tell anyone???? wow. I told family, friends, strangers, clergy, I had therapy, and my relationship was shorter than a year.

I would really advise at least a few sessions of therapy about this. You were pretty young still. It's affecting your relationships and the way you see men, I'll bet. It is going to be hard to really move on if your policy is just to not think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've also been the unsuspecting OW, OP. It sucks and I get it. Ignore the haters on the thread.

I think you should send a polite but formal and clear-boundaries email in reply. express compassion for what she's going through, but say that it was an awful period for you, you've worked hard to put it behind you, and you don't wish to relive it by talking to her. Maybe add that if she wants to talk because she is seeking a divorce then her lawyer can contact you from now on, but she should already have more than enough information from your last email.

She is asking you to be a friend and that is just a bad idea. She's now where you were, remember--that nasty email years ago was her in denial and lashing out. Now she is actually grappling with it, a betrayal a lot worse than yours. You can have compassion for her all you want but you do not need to take on her pain and reopen your own wounds by being her friend. He hurt you both but your shared pain is no basis for a relationship.

I never did contact the wife and always wondered if I should have. The Ashley Madison hack brought it all back for me because when I looked at the records on Fairfax Underground my lying married ex-BF was on that site like white on rice. In the end it gave me more, not less, peace because the information being so accessible meant I no longer had even a tiny theoretical obligation to inform her. Likewise, your obligation towards her is long over. Keep on with the recovery and good luck finding real love. Decent men are out there.

Op here. Thank you for your advice and your compassion, PP. Do you struggle with trust issues now? I have found myself going through my now boyfriend's cell phone and covertly checking up on him. I am a much more paranoid person now and I hate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I know you are looking for closure on this, OP, and are tempted to contact her.

Before you do, ask yourself what purpose will it serve. You need to protect yourself if this woman is on the warpath and doesn't care who she hurts as long as her husband goes down. I am less concerned with physical vengeance as with public outing. Don't give out your address or full name or place of work. You will be able to see exactly where this is going in the first few minutes of your conversation, if you decide to take her up on the offer.

Op here. You know what, you are right. I think that I had no closure on some level. It was such a disorienting experience and I did not tell anyone because I was just too humiliated. I hate that this is all coming up again and bringing up those feelings. I feel guilty all over again as if I was complicit in her husband betraying her, but I had no idea.

I'm the pp who was in a similar situation. A year relationship and you didn't tell anyone???? wow. I told family, friends, strangers, clergy, I had therapy, and my relationship was shorter than a year.

I would really advise at least a few sessions of therapy about this. You were pretty young still. It's affecting your relationships and the way you see men, I'll bet. It is going to be hard to really move on if your policy is just to not think about it.

Op here. I told people that we broke up and that it was unpleasant, but I did not give details. I think people I figured it was too hurtful to talk about, which it was. I was just very taken aback and didn't even know up from down. I couldn't explain it to other people and over time, I just put it behind me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Op here. The guy I am talking about is 6'2, maybe 220?, with a name starting with T. I doubt you know the same guy because what are the odds. I have since learned that this kind of thing is very common. A lot of dirt bags out there.

Name started with a T, but I can't say he was 220. Maybe 180.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to her. I think it's the nice thing to do. It might help you to meet her, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Op here. The guy I am talking about is 6'2, maybe 220?, with a name starting with T. I doubt you know the same guy because what are the odds. I have since learned that this kind of thing is very common. A lot of dirt bags out there.

Name started with a T, but I can't say he was 220. Maybe 180.

Op here. Definitely not the same guy. Anyway, I wish you luck. I know how you feel and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Op here. The guy I am talking about is 6'2, maybe 220?, with a name starting with T. I doubt you know the same guy because what are the odds. I have since learned that this kind of thing is very common. A lot of dirt bags out there.

Name started with a T, but I can't say he was 220. Maybe 180.

Did he have any hobbies or distinguishing marks or a particular taste in music? I also traveled with the husband.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was also duped by a married guy. We only dated a few months, but being deceived by someone like that rocked me to my core. (Turns out he lied about the most stupid stuff, along with telling me he was divorced with 2 kids, when he was married with 3 WTF?!?) It really does mess with your head.

The DW contacted me 5-6 months after we broke up because he was "transferred" overseas. I told her everything. (Turns out the f-er gave me her jewelry as a birthday gift). As much as my world turned upside-down (how can you ever trust anyone ever again?!?!), I know her world had just blown up. So we talked on the phone a few times, we were going to meet, but she backed out.

A few years later, she called me and asked if I would talk to her divorce lawyer. She had tried to make the marriage work until it became obvious that he was a liar and a cheat to his bones. Then the SOB was trying to get 100% custody of the kids. I told the divorce lawyer everything. Men like him just can't win, ever and we women have to help each other.

I understand she was mean to you. But can you see that she was just a wounded woman who was trying to save her marriage. As bad as your pain is, her's is 1,000 times worse. I know it is scary because you don't know what she wants or if she is going to try to hurt you. But I don't think she will lash out at you. She realizes that he is a lying SOB and she just needs a shoulder to cry on.

You don't owe her anything. But for me, how could I turn my back on another woman in pain? Set some boundaries: only do phone calls, or never do phone calls and just meet in public, let her know you aren't a therapist and encourage her to get one, let her know the contact will be short-term and she needs to find another support system for the long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Op here. The guy I am talking about is 6'2, maybe 220?, with a name starting with T. I doubt you know the same guy because what are the odds. I have since learned that this kind of thing is very common. A lot of dirt bags out there.

Name started with a T, but I can't say he was 220. Maybe 180.

Did he have any hobbies or distinguishing marks or a particular taste in music? I also traveled with the husband.

Op here. I am sorry, but if it is the same guy, I don't want commiserate over it. I feel queasy just thinking about him having an MO. The odds are astronomical that it would be the same guy considering how many dishonest men there are out there. I hope you're not still seeing the guy who lied to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've also been the unsuspecting OW, OP. It sucks and I get it. Ignore the haters on the thread.

I think you should send a polite but formal and clear-boundaries email in reply. express compassion for what she's going through, but say that it was an awful period for you, you've worked hard to put it behind you, and you don't wish to relive it by talking to her. Maybe add that if she wants to talk because she is seeking a divorce then her lawyer can contact you from now on, but she should already have more than enough information from your last email.

She is asking you to be a friend and that is just a bad idea. She's now where you were, remember--that nasty email years ago was her in denial and lashing out. Now she is actually grappling with it, a betrayal a lot worse than yours. You can have compassion for her all you want but you do not need to take on her pain and reopen your own wounds by being her friend. He hurt you both but your shared pain is no basis for a relationship.

I never did contact the wife and always wondered if I should have. The Ashley Madison hack brought it all back for me because when I looked at the records on Fairfax Underground my lying married ex-BF was on that site like white on rice. In the end it gave me more, not less, peace because the information being so accessible meant I no longer had even a tiny theoretical obligation to inform her. Likewise, your obligation towards her is long over. Keep on with the recovery and good luck finding real love. Decent men are out there.

Op here. Thank you for your advice and your compassion, PP. Do you struggle with trust issues now? I have found myself going through my now boyfriend's cell phone and covertly checking up on him. I am a much more paranoid person now and I hate that.

Not really. There were long-term effects though. My emotional landscape was different; for one, I was more like 30, I had had a few years of therapy in my 20s around father issues and trusting men which actually put me on a great footing to not see falling for this guy as a personal flaw. Also, it was not a year. That is a long damn time even if you weren't seeing each other that much. My issue was more how could anyone lie like this to so many people.

The experience did teach me how to smell cheaters. There's no single surefire sign. Smug PP on previous page with her "no holidays"--well, mine did give me holidays. His wife would go to her family and he'd make some work excuse to stay in town with me. They also say "another sign is always being at your place," well as you learned that's no silver bullet either. The skills I learned were more subtle. A good liar will let you fill in the blanks for yourself for why his behavior is weird. So I learned to "let silence sit" and not do that for people when I asked them to talk about themselves. I also learned to trust my gut because things were off from the beginning but it was all so romantic and dramatic that I wanted to believe. That feeling is like a drug and just as dangerous. I no longer trust it, and I was much better afterwards at falling for traits I could actually observe, not traits a guy was telling me about or trying to show me he possessed.

I was also brutally honest with people I dated about what had happened to me and how it made me view cheating. Then I tell them there are two effects: they can trust me never to cheat, and me finding out that they are cheating would be an instant dealbreaker. Then I let it go. I don't snoop on phones (my guy had a separate one). I trust my gut to alert me to weird things. It has worked so far. Married a guy who had also been through some shit and appreciated my desire to avoid the abyss of bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, you do not owe her anything. You did not know you were being duped and had no idea you were the OW. You gave her all the information and she chose to stay in the marriage. She may have had many reasons not to leave her marriage at that time.

If you feel like talking to her, then do it. Given that she sent you an awful email when you gave her the information, I'd be inclined to stay clear of her. There is no reason to get involved with her misery now unless you really want to revisit the past.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be compassionate and generous of you to talk to her. No need to meet with her, just communicate via email or just a phone call.

My guess is that she feels like this will bring her some kind of closure. It's not owed to her, your not obligated to do anything. But it would be a very nice thing to do for someone who is clearly in a lot of pain. You could set up a clear boundary, such as telling her you will only speak with her one time.