S/O I was the OW and I told the wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.

Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him.

I am not an asshole but really. But I know lots of women who are smart about work and dumb about men. You need to ensure the person you are dating isn't using you.

No wonder men get away with this crap. I bang you but I have no interest in spending important days with you or meeting your parents or having you meet my parents.

Here is a new dating rule for you. You don't get serious with a person unless you have met his family. If you want to just bang guys don't get all emotional with you get used.

Op here. I hope being a jerk to someone online has made your day better.

OP, I'm the longwinded sympathetic pp. While this person has been an asshole in how they talk to you, there are nuggets of truth here. I highlighted one. You said you were 26 when this happened--as I said I was near 30 and this was my first relationship with someone I hadn't known in HS or college. Dating other adults with long and invisible pasts is a different ballgame. The best way I found to smell cheaters was whether I could see their web of connections to family and friends and community. If a person made that evident without a second thought they were essentially honest. If they made any effort to conceal it...ask why.

I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.

Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.

Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him.

I am not an asshole but really. But I know lots of women who are smart about work and dumb about men. You need to ensure the person you are dating isn't using you.

No wonder men get away with this crap. I bang you but I have no interest in spending important days with you or meeting your parents or having you meet my parents.

Here is a new dating rule for you. You don't get serious with a person unless you have met his family. If you want to just bang guys don't get all emotional with you get used.

Op here. I hope being a jerk to someone online has made your day better.

OP, I'm the longwinded sympathetic pp. While this person has been an asshole in how they talk to you, there are nuggets of truth here. I highlighted one. You said you were 26 when this happened--as I said I was near 30 and this was my first relationship with someone I hadn't known in HS or college. Dating other adults with long and invisible pasts is a different ballgame. The best way I found to smell cheaters was whether I could see their web of connections to family and friends and community. If a person made that evident without a second thought they were essentially honest. If they made any effort to conceal it...ask why.

I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.

Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".

I agree with this. On top of that - men are likely to have each other's backs. Even when their friends are cheaters.

I know of many situations where women had no clue that men they were dating were married, especially in a place like DC with a lot of wealthy people that could afford crash pads in the city.

[Anonymous]

Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?

Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.

You thought he was completely single with no action ever?

[Anonymous]

I think you should meet with her and help her if she were going through a divorce or contemplating one.

[Anonymous]

It would be kind of you, and get you some karma points. It's up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?

Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.

You thought he was completely single with no action ever?

You seriously can't see the difference between dating a single guy who is dating other single women and dating a married guy who didn't know is married (and his wife also doesn't know he is dating other women). You seriously can't see the difference?!?!?!

[Anonymous]

Don't do it op. I was in your shoes and the wife flipped on me. She is isnsane. I talked to her, to help her eith a supposed divorce. Answered all of her questions. Theyre still together. She ended up stalking me. Walk away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?

Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.

You thought he was completely single with no action ever?

You seriously can't see the difference between dating a single guy who is dating other single women and dating a married guy who didn't know is married (and his wife also doesn't know he is dating other women). You seriously can't see the difference?!?!?!

I can see it is different for the wife. But I don't see a difference with just a girlfriend who makes no effort to ensure they are monogamous.

I actually get super frustrated at my girlfriends who act all feminist then cry in their wine when they realize they weren't the "only one". You can't just assume you are the only one. Not sure how a piece of paper makes him sleeping with other more awful for the OW.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Pp who said that men have each other's backs is completely right. I have learned that men support and enable each other in ways that women never would. I cannot think of a single girlfriend of mine who would cover for me, much less meet and hang out with the other man, if I was married and pretending to be single.

PP who is acting confused about how what happened to me and other women in this thread is different from discovering that your casual date is dating others: please just stop. First of all, we were monogamous. I have no idea why you think one has to be hanging out with a man's family regularly and practically living in the small town where he's originally from in order to expect monogamy. Your posts are just so weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?

Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.

You thought he was completely single with no action ever?

You seriously can't see the difference between dating a single guy who is dating other single women and dating a married guy who didn't know is married (and his wife also doesn't know he is dating other women). You seriously can't see the difference?!?!?!

I can see it is different for the wife. But I don't see a difference with just a girlfriend who makes no effort to ensure they are monogamous.

I actually get super frustrated at my girlfriends who act all feminist then cry in their wine when they realize they weren't the "only one". You can't just assume you are the only one. Not sure how a piece of paper makes him sleeping with other more awful for the OW.

((eye roll))

For me, when I was dating the married guy with 3 kids, we did have the talk about being momogamous. I told him that I only sleep with (thus date) one person at a time. He agreed with me. Turns out his sweet Christian wife was holding up her wifely duties and also having sex with him 3 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Pp who said that men have each other's backs is completely right. I have learned that men support and enable each other in ways that women never would. I cannot think of a single girlfriend of mine who would cover for me, much less meet and hang out with the other man, if I was married and pretending to be single.

PP who is acting confused about how what happened to me and other women in this thread is different from discovering that your casual date is dating others: please just stop. First of all, we were monogamous. I have no idea why you think one has to be hanging out with a man's family regularly and practically living in the small town where he's originally from in order to expect monogamy. Your posts are just so weird.

Agreed. You were tricked, OP. And that sucks.

But in the nature of sisterhood, I think you should agree to meet this woman. You have no obligation to, but it might bring closure for this woman and be the push to finally fully end things. If you can make such a positive change in her life, I think you should do it. Women helping women- it's an awesome thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1. It might be a trap.

2. Even if she is sincere, what do you have to gain from getting involved in their drama?

Surprised it took so many posters before someone mention this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.

Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".

Op here. See, I think these men's friends must be sociopaths too. How do men just smile in a woman's face knowing their buddy has a wife at home and then go smile in the wife's face too. The guys who covered up for my nasty ex actually baffle me more. Why not just stay out of it, instead of coming to hang out with me? What were they getting out of helping him dupe the women in his life?

The married guy I dated was definitely in "super cheater" territory. He was so caring and supportive. We were making plans for the new year and talking about the future.

[Anonymous]

Back in the day I told the wife. He still kept talking to me and getting with me. Some men are simply sex addicts and should be single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. It might be a trap.

2. Even if she is sincere, what do you have to gain from getting involved in their drama?

Surprised it took so many posters before someone mention this.

Op here. You are both so right. My heart makes me want to be there for her in some kind of way because I could have used a shoulder to cry on after I found out. But I don't need some vengeful wife trying to get back at me. Women are so hard on other women. Although I do think it would be weird for her to be surfacing after all this time just for revenge. Wouldn't she have gotten revenge on me two years ago, if she wanted it?