Dark Family Secret - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all so very odd. Why are we hiding history like this?

Something are only the business of the people involved. My children and grandchildren if I have them someday have no absolute right to know everything about my life. I amazed that people think that relatives are entitled to know everything particularly about people who died before they were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all so very odd. Why are we hiding history like this?

Something are only the business of the people involved. My children and grandchildren if I have them someday have no absolute right to know everything about my life. I amazed that people think that relatives are entitled to know everything particularly about people who died before they were born.

No, that's not how it works. The only input you have on how people talk about you after you're dead is how you lived your life. You don't get to demand that people keep your secrets or dirty laundry quiet because you don't want to be remembered a certain way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely ask.

Was this terrible thing done TO your Mom? That might be the only reason to not ask her. If it had nothing to do with your Mom, I don't see why you wouldn't ask.

Because if she had wanted op to know she would have told sometime in the last 40 + years.

But it's a two way street. For example, I know that my mother had an affair with one of her best friend's husbands. I know because my older sister saw them together in bed. I was SHOCKED when I found out, because my mother is normally a very moral and honest person.

She has never mentioned this to me, probably because it is really none of my business, the couple eventually divorced and are now dead, and how does someone even bring that up after so many years? But I would feel 100 percent okay with asking her about it one day if I become insatiably curious, or if I find myself in a place where I might need her insight on infidelity. As adults who love and trust each other, I know that she and I could discuss this respectfully, even if she told me to MMOB.

I guess to me it's not really the be-all and end-all if somebody didn't mention it. They may also be not discussing painful topics because they don't want to burden YOU with unpleasant information about relatives.

+1
I think there are some things that just don't come up in normal conversation but that aren't so taboo that the person never wants to talk about it. My mother died many years ago and I had no idea that she had had an abortion after my sister was born. She told my sister about it when my sister had an abortion. My mom died at 56 of a very fast moving cancer, so I'm sure she thought she had plenty of time to tell me about things, including the abortion, as they would be relevant and helpful in my life.
OP, I would ask your mom, if I were you, in a gentle way and then let it go if it was obviously making her uncomfortable. How many of the older generation are still alive?

I actually would consider an abortion to be a personal and private matter. Even the dead are entitled to maintain a certain level of privacy in my opinion. A child that was born and given up for adoption would be more of a family issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all so very odd. Why are we hiding history like this?

Something are only the business of the people involved. My children and grandchildren if I have them someday have no absolute right to know everything about my life. I amazed that people think that relatives are entitled to know everything particularly about people who died before they were born.

No, that's not how it works. The only input you have on how people talk about you after you're dead is how you lived your life. You don't get to demand that people keep your secrets or dirty laundry quiet because you don't want to be remembered a certain way.

Right, there are no gatekeepers once you're in the ground unless the living decide to keep it that way. After so many generations it's all considered fair game. And why would you even care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all so very odd. Why are we hiding history like this?

Something are only the business of the people involved. My children and grandchildren if I have them someday have no absolute right to know everything about my life. I amazed that people think that relatives are entitled to know everything particularly about people who died before they were born.

No, that's not how it works. The only input you have on how people talk about you after you're dead is how you lived your life. You don't get to demand that people keep your secrets or dirty laundry quiet because you don't want to be remembered a certain way.

who said this man demanded anything. The point is, no one has a right to any information that someone else doesn't want to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is all so very odd. Why are we hiding history like this?

Something are only the business of the people involved. My children and grandchildren if I have them someday have no absolute right to know everything about my life. I amazed that people think that relatives are entitled to know everything particularly about people who died before they were born.

No, that's not how it works. The only input you have on how people talk about you after you're dead is how you lived your life. You don't get to demand that people keep your secrets or dirty laundry quiet because you don't want to be remembered a certain way.

Right, there are no gatekeepers once you're in the ground unless the living decide to keep it that way. After so many generations it's all considered fair game. And why would you even care?

Obviously, the living older generation in this situation cares. Their wishes should be respected.nthey knew than. Op never met him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely ask.

Was this terrible thing done TO your Mom? That might be the only reason to not ask her. If it had nothing to do with your Mom, I don't see why you wouldn't ask.

Because if she had wanted op to know she would have told sometime in the last 40 + years.

But it's a two way street. For example, I know that my mother had an affair with one of her best friend's husbands. I know because my older sister saw them together in bed. I was SHOCKED when I found out, because my mother is normally a very moral and honest person.

She has never mentioned this to me, probably because it is really none of my business, the couple eventually divorced and are now dead, and how does someone even bring that up after so many years? But I would feel 100 percent okay with asking her about it one day if I become insatiably curious, or if I find myself in a place where I might need her insight on infidelity. As adults who love and trust each other, I know that she and I could discuss this respectfully, even if she told me to MMOB.

I guess to me it's not really the be-all and end-all if somebody didn't mention it. They may also be not discussing painful topics because they don't want to burden YOU with unpleasant information about relatives.

+1
I think there are some things that just don't come up in normal conversation but that aren't so taboo that the person never wants to talk about it. My mother died many years ago and I had no idea that she had had an abortion after my sister was born. She told my sister about it when my sister had an abortion. My mom died at 56 of a very fast moving cancer, so I'm sure she thought she had plenty of time to tell me about things, including the abortion, as they would be relevant and helpful in my life.
OP, I would ask your mom, if I were you, in a gentle way and then let it go if it was obviously making her uncomfortable. How many of the older generation are still alive?

I actually would consider an abortion to be a personal and private matter. Even the dead are entitled to maintain a certain level of privacy in my opinion. A child that was born and given up for adoption would be more of a family issue.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for those people who are in such awful families that they can't even ASK about a rumor. Sometimes the speculation is worse than the truth. I hope you are more open with your own children.

- granddaughter of a Nazi party member

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

[Anonymous]

NP here. This is an interesting thread in light of the fact that I learned the details of a family secret just in the past month.

In the 1930's, my great grandfather killed a man who had sex with his underage daughter (my grandfather's sister). Threw his body over in the bayou and it was never found. Small town down south. Cops figured that he made the guy disappear but sandbagged the investigation because they thought the guy had it coming and police did not pay much attention to Blacks killing Blacks. Sent his daughter to live with relatives in the North soon after.

I had heard whispers about it from family over the years. My grandfather passed about 10 years ago and never mentioned it. I found out because his sister just died and I asked my grandmother why she never married. Grandmother grew up in the next town over and said it was a whispered secret even back then. I told my mother about the conversation and she was surprised grandmother told me the story. She said it would never have been discussed had my grandfather been alive and he forbid my grandmother from even talking about it.

[Anonymous]

^^ See, this is a fascinating piece of family history that tells something not only about your ancestors, but also the time and place that they lived in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

[Anonymous]

So you would be furious if your child even asked? Again, you have every right not to talk about something that is extremely painful to you. But your blanket statement that nobody has the right to even ask about skeletons in their family is totally not appropriate for every family and every skeleton.

You might need some therapy to deal with your painful past. It sounds like you really have some ongoing issues.