Dark Family Secret - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

And realize that Op's cousin is the one that set off this whole mystery of the deep dark family secret. Maybe she is a sh*t stirrer who likes to stir the pot. But she fails to realize that she is also making insinuations against living people for participating in an ugly cover up. If so, Op certainly has the right to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly do you hope to accomplish, op? The "perpetrator" is dead. Unless some form of restitution can be exacted for living parties, you are stirring the pot for your own selfish curiosity.

Ask your mother because you love your mom and you want to know the truth about your family history. Using this as an opportunity to get some sort of restitution from an 80 something year old woman is just sad. But I don't think that is what Op is suggesting - At All.

OP has no "right. to know anything about dead family members. Unless the victim of said crime would be able to receive some from of restitution there is zero purpose in raising this issue at all--and most likely the "victim" is dead also. There is no purpose in raising this at all.

We don't even know what this is about do we? Op has not said one way or the other. And, yes, since the alleged perpetrator is dead and any victims are likely dead or very old this would not be about restitution. This would be about clearing the air between people who are alive and love each other TODAY. Today matters too.

Clearing the air. The prior generation doesn't want or need air clearing. Op is the only person who wants her idle curiosity to take precedent over every else's piece of mind in the family.

Maybe it bugs Op's piece of mind to be kept in the dark like she has been. It might be impacting Op's relationship with her mom in subtle but significant ways. If there is nothing to it - Op should know. If there is something to it - Op should know. Op and her mom are still alive.

OP has no absolute right to know anything about anyone else--family or not--especially prior generations that are long dead. Her curiosity does not trump everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask her about it just to satisfy your own curiosity.

If your mother had wanted you to know she would have told you. If the individual is dead it doesn't matter at this point.It seems you value your curiosity over everyone else.

This is what I think also

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.

In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.

However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.

I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those years ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several years ago, my cousin told me that our mutual grandfather did something really horrible. She said our grandmother told her the story in detail before she died. We've never mentioned it again, primarily because we live across the country from each other and don't chat very often.

Neither of us ever knew this grandfather, as he had died before we were born. However, in my mind, he has always had a larger-than-life persona. My mother and all aunts/ uncles etc of her generation adored him. Even in death, he was known as a family patriarch whom "everyone" thought highly of.

My mother is now in her 80's. She's in great health, but obviously, my time to ask her about this is limited. I have a real curiosity about it and would like to know more, as I think it would fill in some missing details in our family story. But I don't want to upset her unnecessarily and a part of me just thinks I should let the secrets go to the grave, so to speak.

Would you bring this up with your elderly mother, in this situation?

Your mother is in great health. Ask her. If she gets upset and tells you that she won't discuss it, let it go.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why exactly do you hope to accomplish, op? The "perpetrator" is dead. Unless some form of restitution can be exacted for living parties, you are stirring the pot for your own selfish curiosity.

Ask your mother because you love your mom and you want to know the truth about your family history. Using this as an opportunity to get some sort of restitution from an 80 something year old woman is just sad. But I don't think that is what Op is suggesting - At All.

OP has no "right. to know anything about dead family members. Unless the victim of said crime would be able to receive some from of restitution there is zero purpose in raising this issue at all--and most likely the "victim" is dead also. There is no purpose in raising this at all.

We don't even know what this is about do we? Op has not said one way or the other. And, yes, since the alleged perpetrator is dead and any victims are likely dead or very old this would not be about restitution. This would be about clearing the air between people who are alive and love each other TODAY. Today matters too.

Clearing the air. The prior generation doesn't want or need air clearing. Op is the only person who wants her idle curiosity to take precedent over every else's piece of mind in the family.

peace of mind? His family has been harboring a psychopath for years. Actually, lionizing him. I think OP has a right to dig into the story. Do you always make up facts? Op never suggested anyone was harboring a "psychopath."

[Anonymous]

Did I miss where OP said what this horrible thing was?

[Anonymous]

Nope. She won't disclose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.

In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.

However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.

I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those years ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.

I think this is a wise move. There are some painful things from my own childhood involving long dead individuals which have no impact whatsoever on my children and which would be painful for me to relive. It is my story to share or not to share and I would resent like hell anyone believing that they had an absolute right to dig into the past for curiosity's sake. Op's mother and other relatives should have that same right to put the past behind them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of these interesting perspectives.

In thinking about why I want to know more -- I guess to fill in gaps in the family story line. If this is all true, it does explain a few gaps in the big picture. It would also, in some weird way, make my grandfather more real to me. All I've ever heard is how wonderful, smart, kind, generous etc he was. It does display the good side/ bad side of human nature. Also, my father died last year and I'm becoming increasingly aware of how these stories -- bad and good -- will not always be available to us.

However, I also think there is no reason to upset my mother by bringing this up again at this stage in her life. I don't know if she ever made peace with it, but my rehashing it now will not help that.

I think I can assume that it is true and as posters have suggested, I could always research more on my own if I ever really want to know. And there is nothing to prevent me from making my own form of restitution in a quiet way, perhaps by making a donation of money and/or volunteer time that would help the larger issue. No, it will not change what happened all those years ago but could close the circle among these generations of my family.

If the pieces fit and seem to make the whole story about this man make sense that is one thing. But it would be tragic to tarnish the memory of someone good and decent who did nothing wrong. I would want to hear the story from someone who was actually there and actually knew your grandpa - your mom, with the understanding that she doesn't have to talk about it if she doesn't want to.

Right now all you really have is family gossip from someone who really didn't know the man. Is that good enough?

[Anonymous]

I would ask without question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would ask without question.

are you always this self-centered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask without question.

are you always this self-centered?

Are you always so quick to believe the second hand gossip?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If he was a Nazi, omg yes, tell me everything! What was that like? Why??

He raped a child? Nope. No thank you. Not interested.

So starving and gassing women and children isn't too horrible to know about?

+1

WTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask without question.

are you always this self-centered?

Are you always so quick to believe the second hand gossip?

I wouldn't believe or disbelieve. Something that may or may not have been done by a grandparent that died before I was born and has no direct impact on me is none of my business unless my parent choses to share that information with me. I have no absolute right to know something about another person just satisfy my curiosity.