Dark Family Secret - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

But just to satisfy curiosity? Really? The next generation won't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you would be furious if your child even asked? Again, you have every right not to talk about something that is extremely painful to you. But your blanket statement that nobody has the right to even ask about skeletons in their family is totally not appropriate for every family and every skeleton.

You might need some therapy to deal with your painful past. It sounds like you really have some ongoing issues.

I have had years of therapy and the and the therapist (more than one actually) agrees that I not only have the right but that it would be in everyone's best interest to put the past behind. I know some people love to play victim forever and some love to spill their guts about everything but not everyone is hard wired that way. If the parties involved have put it behind them, their right to privacy trumps everyone else right to have their curiosity satisfied. I chose to live in the present not the past. Anyone who loves or respected me would honor my wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

But just to satisfy curiosity? Really? The next generation won't care.

How can you say this if you don't know what the question is? I'm the Nazi granddaughter, and you bet your ass I have the right to know what my grandfather did during the war and my children do, too. That is part of our past, and I don't want it swept under the rug because my parents' generation wanted to forget it (some, not all).

As others have pointed out, there are some private issues that of course should be left alone if the person involved wanted it that way. The abortion was a good example.

[Anonymous]

My mom's side of the family is horrible mess of abuse, alcoholism and denial. My grandfather committed incest with each of his 3 daughters. I haven't seen or had any contact with my maternal grandparents in more than 25 years. I'm so grateful that this was not hidden from me.

Ask!

[Anonymous]

Op has wisely already stated that she has decided to let this lie. I think she made the right choice. Unless some "secret" directly impacts your day to day living, it is none of your business. The prior generation has moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op has wisely already stated that she has decided to let this lie. I think she made the right choice. Unless some "secret" directly impacts your day to day living, it is none of your business. The prior generation has moved on.

Thanks, you've made this point about 800 times now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op has wisely already stated that she has decided to let this lie. I think she made the right choice. Unless some "secret" directly impacts your day to day living, it is none of your business. The prior generation has moved on.

Thanks, you've made this point about 800 times now.

Actually, just like there is more than one pro poster, there is more than want anti poster. Try to chill. Not everyone will agree with you.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

To what end. My maternal grandmother's situation was almost identical. She pursued the matter to no end. Her birthmother's fiancé left her after this came to light (she never married) and she still refused to ever acknowledge my grandmother's existence. Dragging it all into the public domain destroyed my great-grandmother, the woman who took her into her heart and her home as her own, and the public scrutiny led to the her parents divorce. Her father disowned her digging into the past and after the divorce, it was her non-bio mother who raised her. A lot of people's lives were destroyed because she "had a right to know." No one was better off, least of all my grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

To what end. My maternal grandmother's situation was almost identical. She pursued the matter to no end. Her birthmother's fiancé left her after this came to light (she never married) and she still refused to ever acknowledge my grandmother's existence. Dragging it all into the public domain destroyed my great-grandmother, the woman who took her into her heart and her home as her own, and the public scrutiny led to the her parents divorce. Her father disowned her digging into the past and after the divorce, it was her non-bio mother who raised her. A lot of people's lives were destroyed because she "had a right to know." No one was better off, least of all my grandmother.

Not the PP, but I still believe people have the right to know who they are, even if their birth parents turn out to be assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

But just to satisfy curiosity? Really? The next generation won't care.

Just because an elderly person isn't talking about it doesn't mean that they would be troubled if someone asked them about it. Lots of times they simply are in the habit of not discussing some things, haven't thought about them for awhile and when you do show an interest in old family history they become a wealth of information.

Use discretion - no you don't want to reopen old wounds if the older person you are asking these questions of was a victim. But talking about some long ago misdeed of a long dead relative - sure.

[Anonymous]

^^^This is getting off track from the original question, but as an adopted person, let me say that knowing who donated the egg and sperm does not "tell me who I am." Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to them that I was not aborted, but knowing who they are or their life story does not tell me who I am. What about their right to privacy or to have moved on? In the above example one person's "right" destroyed multiple lives and from the sound of it, it didn't enhance that person's life either. I think sometimes we need to listen carefully when others don't want to disclose. Why did that grandma's right supersede everyone else's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

To what end. My maternal grandmother's situation was almost identical. She pursued the matter to no end. Her birthmother's fiancé left her after this came to light (she never married) and she still refused to ever acknowledge my grandmother's existence. Dragging it all into the public domain destroyed my great-grandmother, the woman who took her into her heart and her home as her own, and the public scrutiny led to the her parents divorce. Her father disowned her digging into the past and after the divorce, it was her non-bio mother who raised her. A lot of people's lives were destroyed because she "had a right to know." No one was better off, least of all my grandmother.

That's not why other people's lives were "destroyed". It's wrong to blame the victim. The adults involved in the cover-up acted cowardly. Shame on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^This is getting off track from the original question, but as an adopted person, let me say that knowing who donated the egg and sperm does not "tell me who I am." Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to them that I was not aborted, but knowing who they are or their life story does not tell me who I am. What about their right to privacy or to have moved on? In the above example one person's "right" destroyed multiple lives and from the sound of it, it didn't enhance that person's life either. I think sometimes we need to listen carefully when others don't want to disclose. Why did that grandma's right supersede everyone else's?

Well, maybe if they had told her the truth instead of lying to her and pretending she was someone else's child, she would not have had an insatiable need to find the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^This is getting off track from the original question, but as an adopted person, let me say that knowing who donated the egg and sperm does not "tell me who I am." Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to them that I was not aborted, but knowing who they are or their life story does not tell me who I am. What about their right to privacy or to have moved on? In the above example one person's "right" destroyed multiple lives and from the sound of it, it didn't enhance that person's life either. I think sometimes we need to listen carefully when others don't want to disclose. Why did that grandma's right supersede everyone else's?

Well, maybe if they had told her the truth instead of lying to her and pretending she was someone else's child, she would not have had an insatiable need to find the truth.

Or they just could have illegally aborted her and then their rights would never have come into question....she was not the only person in the situation and her "rights" should not trump all others. I am amazed at the number of people in general who think only of their own needs.