Dark Family Secret - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

To what end. My maternal grandmother's situation was almost identical. She pursued the matter to no end. Her birthmother's fiancé left her after this came to light (she never married) and she still refused to ever acknowledge my grandmother's existence. Dragging it all into the public domain destroyed my great-grandmother, the woman who took her into her heart and her home as her own, and the public scrutiny led to the her parents divorce. Her father disowned her digging into the past and after the divorce, it was her non-bio mother who raised her. A lot of people's lives were destroyed because she "had a right to know." No one was better off, least of all my grandmother.

To what end? My grandmother's parents and grandparents were already dead when she started seriously delving into her past. My grandmother was treated cruelly and was singled out by the mother who raised her. The truth was important to her, and I think she deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^This is getting off track from the original question, but as an adopted person, let me say that knowing who donated the egg and sperm does not "tell me who I am." Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to them that I was not aborted, but knowing who they are or their life story does not tell me who I am. What about their right to privacy or to have moved on? In the above example one person's "right" destroyed multiple lives and from the sound of it, it didn't enhance that person's life either. I think sometimes we need to listen carefully when others don't want to disclose. Why did that grandma's right supersede everyone else's?

Well, maybe if they had told her the truth instead of lying to her and pretending she was someone else's child, she would not have had an insatiable need to find the truth.

Or they just could have illegally aborted her and then their rights would never have come into question....she was not the only person in the situation and her "rights" should not trump all others. I am amazed at the number of people in general who think only of their own needs.

You mean like the parents who lied to a child? Or the father who disowned his daughter for asking questions? Whose needs were they thinking of?

I get that you don't want to tell your children any/all of your secrets. Other people feel differently and that is okay, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an 87-year old mother in fragile health and I would definitely ask her. I'd rather hear the truth from her than second-hand from a cousin. The older generation is tougher than you think.

But just to satisfy curiosity? Really? The next generation won't care.

Sure, and she would tell me. My mother has been telling me a lot about her family lately because she knows time is short.

[Anonymous]

I am the pp whose grandmother went in search of the "truth." She regretted that she did not listen when she was asked to let well enough alone. I am older than most posters here so my grandmother would be like most of your great grandmothers. This was a time before social media and people blasted every detail of their lives both big and small to the world. It was before google and everyone life could be researched with a few keystrokes. It was a time before acceptance of out of wedlock births, and married people getting a hall pass. People valued their privacy and adopted kids were assimilated into families without discussion--I am not saying that is right today but it was the practice then. My grandmother came to understand that she was asked to let things alone because the outcome was easily foreseen. She did not see her self as a victim. She was thankful to have been given a good start in life and a "mother" who loved her despite the pain of her husband's infidelity and betrayal. She regretted most not appreciating what she had before curiosity set in motion the destruction of her family. She cautioned us all to allow others their privacy--there were things about her journey she chose not to share--and to appreciate what we have and not what we don't. This was the mindset of older generations; unfortunately, many of the posters here see things only from today's understanding of "privacy" and sharing without giving thought to what older generations valued. Things today are not as things were and it is important to respect prior generations when looking into past history especially that which does not directly impact your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother always suspected that her conception was the result of an adulterous affair and that she was given up by her birth mother to be raised by her father and his wife. She had good reason to suspect, but she could never get anyone in her family or her alleged birth mother's family to confirm her theory. They would tell her to let the past lie. It was quite sad, because for her, it was an important piece of her history, and she wanted it acknowledged.

To what end. My maternal grandmother's situation was almost identical. She pursued the matter to no end. Her birthmother's fiancé left her after this came to light (she never married) and she still refused to ever acknowledge my grandmother's existence. Dragging it all into the public domain destroyed my great-grandmother, the woman who took her into her heart and her home as her own, and the public scrutiny led to the her parents divorce. Her father disowned her digging into the past and after the divorce, it was her non-bio mother who raised her. A lot of people's lives were destroyed because she "had a right to know." No one was better off, least of all my grandmother.

I don't know. I think knowing the secret of who your parents are is a LOT different than wanting know what your long deceased relative did before you were born. I cannot blame anyone for wanting to know who their parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. This is an interesting thread in light of the fact that I learned the details of a family secret just in the past month.

In the 1930's, my great grandfather killed a man who had sex with his underage daughter (my grandfather's sister). Threw his body over in the bayou and it was never found. Small town down south. Cops figured that he made the guy disappear but sandbagged the investigation because they thought the guy had it coming and police did not pay much attention to Blacks killing Blacks. Sent his daughter to live with relatives in the North soon after.

I had heard whispers about it from family over the years. My grandfather passed about 10 years ago and never mentioned it. I found out because his sister just died and I asked my grandmother why she never married. Grandmother grew up in the next town over and said it was a whispered secret even back then. I told my mother about the conversation and she was surprised grandmother told me the story. She said it would never have been discussed had my grandfather been alive and he forbid my grandmother from even talking about it.

So basically the reason she finally talked about it was because he was no longer alive and she didn't have to listen to him anymore. Just because he didn't want to talk about it didn't mean that she didn't need to herself talk about it and process it. You can't control peoples feelings. Or actions. Especially after you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

Well, we have all decided to put it behind us and my siblings are more invested in this than I am, but thanks so much for being a complete and total ass. I sincerely hope that your never experience anything truly horrific in your life...and that you at some point develop some compassion for the choices others make to deal with adversity.

[Anonymous]

OP- are you sure that your cousin is of sound mind? This sounds like delusions that my manic depressive sibling has about our family, including the deathbed confession from a grandmother.very detailed and person may be confident it happened but actually totally crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'll make you feel better. My grandmother's brother was a child pornographer. As in he made it and distributed it. Pillar of the community, active in church, yada yada. No one knew until he died and his niece and daughter cleaned out his apartment. My grandmother loved her brother dearly and spoke so highly of him. We never had the heart to tell her, it wasn't worth the pain she would go through.

I hope you turned this material over to the authorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

Well, we have all decided to put it behind us and my siblings are more invested in this than I am, but thanks so much for being a complete and total ass. I sincerely hope that your never experience anything truly horrific in your life...and that you at some point develop some compassion for the choices others make to deal with adversity.

hmm? Hiding, that's one to handle adversity, I guess.

[Anonymous]

one way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

Well, we have all decided to put it behind us and my siblings are more invested in this than I am, but thanks so much for being a complete and total ass. I sincerely hope that your never experience anything truly horrific in your life...and that you at some point develop some compassion for the choices others make to deal with adversity.

hmm? Hiding, that's one to handle adversity, I guess.

Fuck you. You have no soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how and why some people here think the secret keepers are somehow more moral and kind in keeping their secrets. I don't get why the people who want to know more and to ask more questions about their own families are considered nosy or immoral. It's opposite sides of the coin, but really no different. You are protecting by not asking and they are protecting by not telling.

Not an evil act but my own 96 yr old grandmother will not discuss what we now know to be true, that we have mixed blood. We are white and look it, but it took a natgeo DNA test to confirm we have mixed blood as well. It is not ancient history. In this day and age she could disclose without repercussion yet will not.

We aren't jerks for asking and she's not a jerk for denying. That's life. Just ask.

Because there are some things for which no one has an absolute right to know about others--even family members who are long dead.

You're makng the secrets more sacred than they need to be. If you want to destroy your history to the extent you can (journals, photos, letters) but you haveno right to expect others to sit on the truth to uphold a false reputation.

Why do you think people are simply concerned with "reputation?" I think that everyone is entitled to privacy and that includes older and even deceased family members. I posted earlier about some elements of my life/childhood that impact no one else except my siblings which are not immoral, illegal or unethical but which were bone crushingly painful to deal with. We have dealt, moved on and feel no need to share the information with anyone else. To do so would open up old wounds and no one is served by this knowledge. Why am I not entitled to my privacy? Do my children and future generations have an absolute right to dig into something that doesn't effect them? I don't believe so and would resent like hell anyone who tried to dig up something that doesn't consern tem. iIt is insensitive, selfish and immature that someone's mere curiosity trumps my wishes with regard to my life.

Anyone can ask your siblings and it is their decision to tell or not, maybe after you're dead or maybe now with the caveat that they "don't ever tell X that I told you the truth."

Resent away but if you're not the only person involved then why are you calling all the shots? Nope.

Well, we have all decided to put it behind us and my siblings are more invested in this than I am, but thanks so much for being a complete and total ass. I sincerely hope that your never experience anything truly horrific in your life...and that you at some point develop some compassion for the choices others make to deal with adversity.

hmm? Hiding, that's one to handle adversity, I guess.

. Np--chosing to leave the past in the past and keep private matters private is not the same as hiding. You really are a heartless sob. No wonder people chose to guard their privacy with people like you in the world. You are piece of work.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't know that the story is true, but if your mother said not, would it change your mind? In any case, you can certainly go ahead with the donation of money or time. We have all benefited from other people's suffering, whether we realize it or not.