What if my sister wasn't really stillborn? How to research?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...I found out that I, as a sibling, can request the stillbirth certificate, but i need the date of birth. So, without giving a reason, I texted my older brother to see if he knows it. This led to a conversation, and it turns out he has always felt the same way, but with a completely different set of reasons and perspective. This was the LAST thing I expected from him. So, we will take it from here, dcum.

To those of you who were actually helpful and supportive, THANK YOU! Until I talked with my brother, this was a topic that I could not discuss with anyone in real life. So I truly appreciate your help, advice, and open mindedness.

to those of you who were hateful and accused me of everything from selfishness to mental illness - I hope you can be more sensitive the next time someone tries to open up about something so personal.

your parents either suffered the pain of a stillbirth or chose adoption. In either event, op, this is not your business. You have no right to purse a part of your partents life that they have closed the door on. It is selfish.

NP here

Say what now? OP may have a long lost sister and it's none of her business? If the parents want that door to stay closed, then they don't have to interact with their long lost daughter. That doesn't mean the adopted-out daughter, or OP, have no right to pursue finding each other.

[Anonymous]

Of course there is a certificate of stillbirth, or something like it. The hospital had to register that SOMEthing happened. Which means that OP's cockamamie story also accuses the hospital and/or adoption agency of falsifying records.

Fact is that OP's mom is a habitual liar and that's why she doesn't trust her story.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the supportive responses. I really do appreciate it. I typed my post quite hastily last night, so I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I did not mean to imply that only unhealthy women have stillborns. Sorry that it came across that way. The point I was trying to make was that I have never heard of an explanation. I have never heard if it was something wrong with my mom, the baby, if the cord was wrapped around her neck. I have had three kids of my own and my mom has never told me of anything I should be aware of.

The part that seems off is that I remember talking with my mom about my sister and I being breach, and I wondered why we weren't c-section. She said that the doctor told her "If you could deliver a 10 pound baby, you could deliver pretty much anything." But wouldn't that be an odd thing to say since there was a stillborn after the 10 pounder? this makes me think that the baby was not actually a stillborn and actually died (or not) sometime after birth. It wouldn't be out of character for my parents to say it was a stillborn to simplify things so that they wouldn't have to endure questions, advice about lawsuits, anger toward hospital from loved ones.

This isn't something I've "obsessed" over for years. It's always been in the back of my mind that I might not have the whole story, but I've just recently really started thinking about it. As a kid, I never thought much about the fact that we were not supposed to go to that hospital. That's just the way it was and I never questioned it. It didn't have a reputation for being a great hospital, but I didn't know anyone else who felt that strongly about it and refused to go there, even in an emergency. I've recently thought about that I realized there must be a reason that she felt so strongly about it.

I don't think there is a birth or death certificate, and I don't think I could request one without their help. So I'm not even sure of the exact date she was born.

Knowing my parents, they probably did not ask to see her after she passed.

I do think that they believe she died and did not give her up. My mom is visibly upset when something comes up about dead babies. For example, when we saw a preview for Heaven is For Real, she walked out of the theater when the kid talked about seeing his sister who was miscarried. And she was buried in another state so that she could be buried next to relatives. I don't think they would have a fake grave for her, and I really don't think they would go through the process of having her transported to another state if they knew she wasn't really dead.

Losing that baby was, of course, the most painful time of their life. So they really don't like to talk about it. BUT if it turned out that she was alive, nothing would make them happier, and they would love to meet her if she wanted that. They would not be the type to leave it be and move on.

I know it seems a bit crazy and far fetched, but stranger things have happened...

My best friend had a stillborn baby, and even with all the tests that are available today, they just don't know why. No cause could be determined in the autopsy, mom was totally healthy (and went on to have two more healthy babies), preganancy was completely uneventful up until the day before her due date when the baby just stopped moving. It happens. Sometimes that is the whole story, even today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is a grave, then you have a date and possibly a name. You know the name of the hospital. Go look for the death certificate. In most places, the county or the state issue some kind of death certificate or certificate of still birth or certificate of fetal demise. Find out what your state does and go look for it. It's a public record. If the fetus died, there will be some kind of record.

Record keeping may be rather sketchy, especially for a stillbirth decades ago. When my mother had a late term miscarriage, the doctor "disposed" of the fetus and would not tell her the sex. Apparently, that was standard practice in the day.

If OP's sister actually has a burial marker, more than likely there's a baby. Tombstones are not cheap and it's unlikely that the parents would actually buy one to go along with some charade.

It's possible that there was some conspiracy on the hospital's end. But very, very unlikely.

OP that your brother has a different perspective but feel like there's something "there," it's quite possible that both your parents were greatly affected by losing a child. Perhaps there's is something missing b/c they've never fully grieved.

Please don't bring this up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...I found out that I, as a sibling, can request the stillbirth certificate, but i need the date of birth. So, without giving a reason, I texted my older brother to see if he knows it. This led to a conversation, and it turns out he has always felt the same way, but with a completely different set of reasons and perspective. This was the LAST thing I expected from him. So, we will take it from here, dcum.

To those of you who were actually helpful and supportive, THANK YOU! Until I talked with my brother, this was a topic that I could not discuss with anyone in real life. So I truly appreciate your help, advice, and open mindedness.

to those of you who were hateful and accused me of everything from selfishness to mental illness - I hope you can be more sensitive the next time someone tries to open up about something so personal.

your parents either suffered the pain of a stillbirth or chose adoption. In either event, op, this is not your business. You have no right to purse a part of your partents life that they have closed the door on. It is selfish.

NP here

Say what now? OP may have a long lost sister and it's none of her business? If the parents want that door to stay closed, then they don't have to interact with their long lost daughter. That doesn't mean the adopted-out daughter, or OP, have no right to pursue finding each other.

Who says her possible sister wants her life completely up ended by this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is a grave, then you have a date and possibly a name. You know the name of the hospital. Go look for the death certificate. In most places, the county or the state issue some kind of death certificate or certificate of still birth or certificate of fetal demise. Find out what your state does and go look for it. It's a public record. If the fetus died, there will be some kind of record.

Record keeping may be rather sketchy, especially for a stillbirth decades ago. When my mother had a late term miscarriage, the doctor "disposed" of the fetus and would not tell her the sex. Apparently, that was standard practice in the day.

If OP's sister actually has a burial marker, more than likely there's a baby. Tombstones are not cheap and it's unlikely that the parents would actually buy one to go along with some charade.

It's possible that there was some conspiracy on the hospital's end. But very, very unlikely.

OP that your brother has a different perspective but feel like there's something "there," it's quite possible that both your parents were greatly affected by losing a child. Perhaps there's is something missing b/c they've never fully grieved.

Please don't bring this up to them.

It is pretty clear OP cares about no one but herself. I'm assuming she's not married and has no kids. I feel bad for her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So...I found out that I, as a sibling, can request the stillbirth certificate, but i need the date of birth. So, without giving a reason, I texted my older brother to see if he knows it. This led to a conversation, and it turns out he has always felt the same way, but with a completely different set of reasons and perspective. This was the LAST thing I expected from him. So, we will take it from here, dcum.

To those of you who were actually helpful and supportive, THANK YOU! Until I talked with my brother, this was a topic that I could not discuss with anyone in real life. So I truly appreciate your help, advice, and open mindedness.

to those of you who were hateful and accused me of everything from selfishness to mental illness - I hope you can be more sensitive the next time someone tries to open up about something so personal.

your parents either suffered the pain of a stillbirth or chose adoption. In either event, op, this is not your business. You have no right to purse a part of your partents life that they have closed the door on. It is selfish.

NP here

Say what now? OP may have a long lost sister and it's none of her business? If the parents want that door to stay closed, then they don't have to interact with their long lost daughter. That doesn't mean the adopted-out daughter, or OP, have no right to pursue finding each other.

Who says her possible sister wants her life completely up ended by this.

Exactly. For selfish reasons, OP wants to pick the scab off of her parents wound and possible upend of the life of a women she does not know--and who may not even exist. Sounds more than a little unhinged and self-absorbed.

[Anonymous]

I love all of the "trust your gut" replies at the beginning of this. Some people have guts that should not be trusted.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know a number of people who have had stillborn children. Having to go through labor and delivery of a dead baby is an extremely traumatizing event. Even years later the pain and the memory are daunting. Why would you want to put your parents through this pain all over again to satisfy your curiosity. You have nothing concrete to base your assumption. You are being particularly unfeeling toward your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the supportive responses. I really do appreciate it. I typed my post quite hastily last night, so I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I did not mean to imply that only unhealthy women have stillborns. Sorry that it came across that way. The point I was trying to make was that I have never heard of an explanation. I have never heard if it was something wrong with my mom, the baby, if the cord was wrapped around her neck. I have had three kids of my own and my mom has never told me of anything I should be aware of.

The part that seems off is that I remember talking with my mom about my sister and I being breach, and I wondered why we weren't c-section. She said that the doctor told her "If you could deliver a 10 pound baby, you could deliver pretty much anything." But wouldn't that be an odd thing to say since there was a stillborn after the 10 pounder? this makes me think that the baby was not actually a stillborn and actually died (or not) sometime after birth. It wouldn't be out of character for my parents to say it was a stillborn to simplify things so that they wouldn't have to endure questions, advice about lawsuits, anger toward hospital from loved ones.

OP, I have to wonder: do you understand what a stillborn baby is? It is a fetus of at least 20 weeks gestation that has died in utero. That could be a 5 month fetus or a full term fetus weighing 10 pounds. I cannot for the life of me understand what you think is strange about what the doc said about your mother's ability to deliver a breech. It us absolutely true that a woman who has delivered a large baby is a better candidate for breech delivery than, say, a woman who has never given birth. Having has a stillborn baby changes the equation not at all, why should it? Further, vaginal breech deliveries were once quite common, not rare as they are today.

There are many, many reasons why a fetus dies in utero, ranging from terrible chromosomal disorders to cord accidents and abnormalities to placental deficiencies and abruptions. But often there is no identified reason for the death.

Stillbirths are actually not uncommon. I don't know why you would think it is more likely that this child was kidnapped than that he/she simply died.

She was full term and died during labor for unknown reasons. You can't understand why I think it's odd that the doctor didn't take this into consideration when deciding whether to let my mom deliver a breech?

No. This in and of itself does not make a woman's future pregnancies high risk.