What if my sister wasn't really stillborn? How to research?

[Anonymous]

You know the other thing, OP, if this is something that has continued to not be able to go away for you, that you then need to bite the bullet and ask your parents.

I know you don't want to upset them, but you don't want to be obsessing about this in 20 or so years when it's too late to ask them. Look, you can't upset them more for asking about it, than it was to be them and go through it.

I'd tell them I know this is a tough topic for them, but you need to broach it for your own peace of mind, and explain how it's weighing on you. And I'd figure out exactly what will help bring closure and ask that question. Like, did they see your sibling after she passed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? The hospital selling newborns was a segregated hospital. Btw, cord accidents are quite common. My younger DD had the cord wrapped around her neck 3 times as well as a true knot. Luckily, she was induced.

I had the same question. That hospital took babies in the 50's and 60's from black women between the ages of about 15 to 25.

They took white babies too. And, there are still tons of shady adoption for all race babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go

Pp You are a truly horrible person

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know the other thing, OP, if this is something that has continued to not be able to go away for you, that you then need to bite the bullet and ask your parents.

I know you don't want to upset them, but you don't want to be obsessing about this in 20 or so years when it's too late to ask them. Look, you can't upset them more for asking about it, than it was to be them and go through it.

I'd tell them I know this is a tough topic for them, but you need to broach it for your own peace of mind, and explain how it's weighing on you. And I'd figure out exactly what will help bring closure and ask that question. Like, did they see your sibling after she passed?

I agree with this. I think you should just ask them about it. They may have an easier time talking about it now than they did 5 years ago and 10 years ago etc..

My MIL had a stillborn. I remembering asking her about it briefly before I ever got pregnant because I was curious if there were any complications or reasons etc.. She shut it down immediately and did not want to talk about it. And then years later I had tough pregnancy complications (HELLP syndrome) and almost lost my baby, but he survived. I asked her about it again, because i was curious if she had any similar experiences and if there was a genetic link. I told her I just wanted to know this info to help me process things. She was more than happy to go into full detail about it then. In fact she seemed to enjoy talking about it once she got going.

so maybe you need to explain why it's important to you. It's perfectly reasonable to ask these questions and wonder about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know the other thing, OP, if this is something that has continued to not be able to go away for you, that you then need to bite the bullet and ask your parents.

I know you don't want to upset them, but you don't want to be obsessing about this in 20 or so years when it's too late to ask them. Look, you can't upset them more for asking about it, than it was to be them and go through it.

I'd tell them I know this is a tough topic for them, but you need to broach it for your own peace of mind, and explain how it's weighing on you. And I'd figure out exactly what will help bring closure and ask that question. Like, did they see your sibling after she passed?

I agree with this. I think you should just ask them about it. They may have an easier time talking about it now than they did 5 years ago and 10 years ago etc..

My MIL had a stillborn. I remembering asking her about it briefly before I ever got pregnant because I was curious if there were any complications or reasons etc.. She shut it down immediately and did not want to talk about it. And then years later I had tough pregnancy complications (HELLP syndrome) and almost lost my baby, but he survived. I asked her about it again, because i was curious if she had any similar experiences and if there was a genetic link. I told her I just wanted to know this info to help me process things. She was more than happy to go into full detail about it then. In fact she seemed to enjoy talking about it once she got going.

so maybe you need to explain why it's important to you. It's perfectly reasonable to ask these questions and wonder about it!

Another +1 here. Definitely ask your parents again OP.

[Anonymous]

My mom had a stillborn a few years before I was born, but I always had a feeling that she was still out there. I think one reason I've always been suspicious is that my mom was very healthy. She birthed a 10 pound baby before the stillborn and two breech babies after. Also, my parents were extremely distrustful of that hospital. Even though it was right down the street, my parents would always drive 45 miles to the next hospital instead. They never said why they refused to go there. Makes me wonder what happened there. AND I recently heard about a hospital in the same region that allegedly sold babies after telling the parents it died. So that really got me thinking about it.

I think the only way you will get any answers it to talk to your parents. While what you are suggesting certainly isn't impossible, it isn't the most likely explanation either. Women who have had healthy babies do have stillborn babies - I did. But if you think there is more going on, and want to get a resolution, you need to raise the issue with your mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know that this is something to pursue.

What would you do with the information? Plus, maybe the baby was born with medical issues of some sort. It wasn't uncommon to put babies in institutions. I'm 45, born with Cerebral Palsy. My mom was told to put me in an institution and forget about me.

Maybe the twin didn't die. Sometimes though, things are better left unknown. The only way "I" would pursue it personally would be if it was just for my knowledge.. just to settle that feeling. I wouldn't seek out the person.

I hope you find whatever it is you need.

[Anonymous]

13:22 here, sorry.. I mis spoke. Not the twin.. the possible sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am aware that I sound crazy, but here it goes...

My mom had a stillborn a few years before I was born, but I always had a feeling that she was still out there. I think one reason I've always been suspicious is that my mom was very healthy. She birthed a 10 pound baby before the stillborn and two breech babies after. Also, my parents were extremely distrustful of that hospital. Even though it was right down the street, my parents would always drive 45 miles to the next hospital instead. They never said why they refused to go there. Makes me wonder what happened there. AND I recently heard about a hospital in the same region that allegedly sold babies after telling the parents it died. So that really got me thinking about it.

How would I go about researching this? I don't even know the date of birth. My parents do not like talking about it so I hate to ask them.

This post literally makes me ill.

I am very healthy, as were (and are) all my living children. My live births each weighed 10 pounds, no gestational diabetes, very healthy. My living children were delivered vaginally, one with no interventions whatsoever.

Nevertheless, one of my babies was stillborn. Although the hospital in which I delivered that baby had nothing whatsoever to do with her death and handled my case with a great deal of sensitivity, I never wanted to enter the doors of that hospital again (and never have). It is a terrible thing to labor and deliver a dead baby. Terrible.

Your fixation with this borders on obscene.

PP, this is not about you. I am sorry for your loss but it's not at all surprising the OP has questions about this that preoccupy her. This was her sibling.

OP, my sibling died in somewhat mysterious circumstances so I sympathize with the uncertainty you're wrestling with. I also sympathize with not wanting to ask your parents for information. I do wonder if there is a death certificate. There may also have been an autopsy and you could contact the coroner in that area and see if they have suggestions (they may no longer have the records but could still make recommendations).

I also think it's ok to bite the bullet and ask your parents. This is your story too, your history, and you have a right to know. It does not belong only to them. I also think the benefit to you from knowing outweighs the harm to them from being upset by your asking (and who knows if they really would be).

You may also want to check out the book The Empty Room about sibling loss. It's excellent and focuses a lot on sibling loss that occurred when the surviving siblings were very young (and in one case before their birth). I think it might be helpful for you and healing.

[Anonymous]

OP, as others have said your logic is way off. I'm the eldest of 5, one of whom was stillborn. My parents barely discussed it then and, even after my own daughter was stillborn, refuse to discuss it today...(or really say more than yes, it happened). See a therapist and move on.

[Anonymous]

The baby could've had Down's syndrome and they just told your mom she was still born and took her away to "save" your mom from heartbreak. You never know. Start with the birth certificate and hire a PI.
Also, your mom might not have wanted to go back to they hospital because she had a still born baby there and didn't want to relive the experience.

[Anonymous]

Oh and to the PP, even today, even with an autopsy, I never got a death certificate. Most states and countries don't require provision of any official documentation. If a baby is stillborn, it's possible you'll still get neither a birth nor a death certificate. I know my parents never got either. If this was more than 20 years ago, the attitude on stillbirth was this: get over it, forget it, and move on. If they don't want to talk, you have to respect that boundary. It's a traumatic thing and if I don't want to discuss my experience with stillbirth, it's up to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and to the PP, even today, even with an autopsy, I never got a death certificate. Most states and countries don't require provision of any official documentation. If a baby is stillborn, it's possible you'll still get neither a birth nor a death certificate. I know my parents never got either. If this was more than 20 years ago, the attitude on stillbirth was this: get over it, forget it, and move on. If they don't want to talk, you have to respect that boundary. It's a traumatic thing and if I don't want to discuss my experience with stillbirth, it's up to me.

Sorry, but I respectfully disagree when it comes to surviving siblings, especially if they have questions. Would you refuse to talk about this with your children if they asked? I can't understand that nor can I understand how this is helpful to anyone. There is plenty of evidence that it is very damaging to siblings who have lost a sibling and grown up in a family where the dead sibling is never acknowledged or discussed with them, and the details of that sibling's death are shrouded in secrecy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh and to the PP, even today, even with an autopsy, I never got a death certificate. Most states and countries don't require provision of any official documentation. If a baby is stillborn, it's possible you'll still get neither a birth nor a death certificate. I know my parents never got either. If this was more than 20 years ago, the attitude on stillbirth was this: get over it, forget it, and move on. If they don't want to talk, you have to respect that boundary. It's a traumatic thing and if I don't want to discuss my experience with stillbirth, it's up to me.

This. OP please don't talk to your parents about this. Having a still born is traumatic. Also plenty of healthy women fave babies die. My aunt had a baby die about 3 days later and went on to have 5 healthy kids. My mom had two late term miscarriages and 4 kids who came to term. It's very unlikely that it's anything other than a still birth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the supportive responses. I really do appreciate it. I typed my post quite hastily last night, so I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I did not mean to imply that only unhealthy women have stillborns. Sorry that it came across that way. The point I was trying to make was that I have never heard of an explanation. I have never heard if it was something wrong with my mom, the baby, if the cord was wrapped around her neck. I have had three kids of my own and my mom has never told me of anything I should be aware of.

The part that seems off is that I remember talking with my mom about my sister and I being breach, and I wondered why we weren't c-section. She said that the doctor told her "If you could deliver a 10 pound baby, you could deliver pretty much anything." But wouldn't that be an odd thing to say since there was a stillborn after the 10 pounder? this makes me think that the baby was not actually a stillborn and actually died (or not) sometime after birth. It wouldn't be out of character for my parents to say it was a stillborn to simplify things so that they wouldn't have to endure questions, advice about lawsuits, anger toward hospital from loved ones.

This isn't something I've "obsessed" over for years. It's always been in the back of my mind that I might not have the whole story, but I've just recently really started thinking about it. As a kid, I never thought much about the fact that we were not supposed to go to that hospital. That's just the way it was and I never questioned it. It didn't have a reputation for being a great hospital, but I didn't know anyone else who felt that strongly about it and refused to go there, even in an emergency. I've recently thought about that I realized there must be a reason that she felt so strongly about it.

I don't think there is a birth or death certificate, and I don't think I could request one without their help. So I'm not even sure of the exact date she was born.

Knowing my parents, they probably did not ask to see her after she passed.

I do think that they believe she died and did not give her up. My mom is visibly upset when something comes up about dead babies. For example, when we saw a preview for Heaven is For Real, she walked out of the theater when the kid talked about seeing his sister who was miscarried. And she was buried in another state so that she could be buried next to relatives. I don't think they would have a fake grave for her, and I really don't think they would go through the process of having her transported to another state if they knew she wasn't really dead.

Losing that baby was, of course, the most painful time of their life. So they really don't like to talk about it. BUT if it turned out that she was alive, nothing would make them happier, and they would love to meet her if she wanted that. They would not be the type to leave it be and move on.

I know it seems a bit crazy and far fetched, but stranger things have happened...