What if my sister wasn't really stillborn? How to research?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If your sister was buried - if she has a literal grave that you can go to and actually see and touch her tomb stone - why do you think that she is still alive?

This--what makes you think they would have all of this, a funeral, a tomb everything if she had lived? OP, let it go. I'm sorry your sister died and you never knew her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If your sister was buried - if she has a literal grave that you can go to and actually see and touch her tomb stone - why do you think that she is still alive?

This--what makes you think they would have all of this, a funeral, a tomb everything if she had lived? OP, let it go. I'm sorry your sister died and you never knew her.

Exactly! Why the hell would they have a grave for her if she wasn't dead? And, as far as transporting her out of state, she was likely cremated. Even the cremated remains of an adult fit easily into a carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Considering your followup post, OP, I think you have to let this go. Your parents have given you an explanation. Further, they believe the baby died. I think it would be cruel to continue to press them for details because you think some dr.'s comment is odd and you're curious.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who had a stillborn baby.

My living children (teens) know that I had a baby who died, but I don't talk about it much. I have always answered the few questions they have had over the years about their sister's death.

I am generally open and honest with my children, and I don't keep many secrets from them. So it is hard to imagine them doubting me about what happened to their sister. But honestly, if they ever were to express such doubts as OP has, I would be deeply, deeply offended. And angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more thing, on the never wanting to go to that hospital OP, I am never, never, going back to the hospital where I delivered my dead daughter (I found out she had died at a checkup). Just saying the name makes me anxious, seeing signs for it on the street makes me want to run the other way. It's completely normal that your parents would want to avoid it. What if the medical team there made some mistake that caused the baby to die? What if the staff was awful in horrible circumstances? There are plenty of logical explanations for that.

Agreed, I will never go to the hospital where mine was, either. Went out of my way to have my last at a different one.

Op here. it's not that they won't set foot in the hospital. They have been there many times over the years to visit people, attend events, etc. They just instructed us to never seek treatment there. Even in a life or death situation, we were to drive 40 min to another hospital. So, it wasn't the pain of being there. They just really really did not trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who had a stillborn baby.

My living children (teens) know that I had a baby who died, but I don't talk about it much. I have always answered the few questions they have had over the years about their sister's death.

I am generally open and honest with my children, and I don't keep many secrets from them. So it is hard to imagine them doubting me about what happened to their sister. But honestly, if they ever were to express such doubts as OP has, I would be deeply, deeply offended. And angry.

OP here. i am very sorry for your loss.

I don't think my parents did anything shady. Some PPs suggested that they gave her up. In my follow-up post, I made it clear that I truly believe they think she is dead. The only thing they might have done was say that it was an unexplained stillbirth even if there was more to it than that. They would do so to avoid having to talk about it and answer questions. Otherwise, they would be getting calls from lawyers encouraging them to sue. Since stillbirths were quite common during that time, this was an explanation that everyone would accept without asking questions. I don't blame them at all if this is what they did. I would probably do the same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound really selfish. Have you thought what this could do to your parents if they find out she's alive? Are you able to entertain the fact that maybe it would be devastating and not something they'd be happy over?

And what about this sister. What if she'd been adopted to a loving home and has had a great life. And then you come around and say "hey! Guess what?! You were actually stolen from the hospital, the parents you know likely did something shady to get you, and I'm your sister! Come meet your real parents!!"

I can't tell if you're delusional, selfish, or what but I think you need to get out of your own head for a little bit and be a bit more realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who had a stillborn baby.

My living children (teens) know that I had a baby who died, but I don't talk about it much. I have always answered the few questions they have had over the years about their sister's death.

I am generally open and honest with my children, and I don't keep many secrets from them. So it is hard to imagine them doubting me about what happened to their sister. But honestly, if they ever were to express such doubts as OP has, I would be deeply, deeply offended. And angry.

OP here. i am very sorry for your loss.

I don't think my parents did anything shady. Some PPs suggested that they gave her up. In my follow-up post, I made it clear that I truly believe they think she is dead. The only thing they might have done was say that it was an unexplained stillbirth even if there was more to it than that. They would do so to avoid having to talk about it and answer questions. Otherwise, they would be getting calls from lawyers encouraging them to sue. Since stillbirths were quite common during that time, this was an explanation that everyone would accept without asking questions. I don't blame them at all if this is what they did. I would probably do the same thing.

Are you mentally well? This is a serious question because it seems like you've made up this situation and have thought about it so much that you can't entertain the idea that maybe your sister really did die. Have there been any recent tragedies in your life? I'm a little worried for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One more thing, on the never wanting to go to that hospital OP, I am never, never, going back to the hospital where I delivered my dead daughter (I found out she had died at a checkup). Just saying the name makes me anxious, seeing signs for it on the street makes me want to run the other way. It's completely normal that your parents would want to avoid it. What if the medical team there made some mistake that caused the baby to die? What if the staff was awful in horrible circumstances? There are plenty of logical explanations for that.

Agreed, I will never go to the hospital where mine was, either. Went out of my way to have my last at a different one.

Op here. it's not that they won't set foot in the hospital. They have been there many times over the years to visit people, attend events, etc. They just instructed us to never seek treatment there. Even in a life or death situation, we were to drive 40 min to another hospital. So, it wasn't the pain of being there. They just really really did not trust them.

Which goes along with what other PPs were saying. They would never seek treatment there because someone they loved DIED there after being treated. Its a completely normal thing. My brother died after a horrible car accident. I will never seek treatment at that hospital because if though he would have died anywhere (he really had no chances) just knowing that he died at that hospital makes me avoid seeking treatment there. Its not terribly rational, but its a fairly common reaction.

[Anonymous]

I missed that there was a grave. Knowing that, I'm now firmly in the "get therapy to figure out why this is really bothering you" camp. the 23andme idea can't possibly hurt anything, either, so might as well do that. A 2yo cousin of mine died and the sight of that tiny, tiny coffin still haunts me--and that's just my cousin. Nothing about your parents' behavior--wanting everyone in the family to avoid the hospital, wanting not to talk about it, etc--sounds strange in the slightest to me.

I think the only other actionable route that makes sense is to visit the grave and get a birth or death date to try and get certificates. It'd be awful of you to press your parents for that info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If your sister was buried - if she has a literal grave that you can go to and actually see and touch her tomb stone - why do you think that she is still alive?

This--what makes you think they would have all of this, a funeral, a tomb everything if she had lived? OP, let it go. I'm sorry your sister died and you never knew her.

Exactly! Why the hell would they have a grave for her if she wasn't dead? And, as far as transporting her out of state, she was likely cremated. Even the cremated remains of an adult fit easily into a carry on.

Again, if she did live, I do NOT think my parents know! I do NOT believe they gave her up.

I know my parents quite well. They would not have had her cremated. They would not have transported her themselves (certainly not in a carry on bag!). they would not have held an actual funeral - it would have been a private burial. I never even knew that she had a grave site until a couple of years ago when I came across a picture of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If your sister was buried - if she has a literal grave that you can go to and actually see and touch her tomb stone - why do you think that she is still alive?

This--what makes you think they would have all of this, a funeral, a tomb everything if she had lived? OP, let it go. I'm sorry your sister died and you never knew her.

Exactly! Why the hell would they have a grave for her if she wasn't dead? And, as far as transporting her out of state, she was likely cremated. Even the cremated remains of an adult fit easily into a carry on.

Again, if she did live, I do NOT think my parents know! I do NOT believe they gave her up.

I know my parents quite well. They would not have had her cremated. They would not have transported her themselves (certainly not in a carry on bag!). they would not have held an actual funeral - it would have been a private burial. I never even knew that she had a grave site until a couple of years ago when I came across a picture of it.

You sound more and more selfish with each post. Please, respect your parents. You really know NOTHING about how your parents would have reacted in this situation. Please, get some therapy OP. It sounds like there is something going on in your life that you need help with and you're fixating on this. Your level of denial and insistence is actually a little worrisome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the supportive responses. I really do appreciate it. I typed my post quite hastily last night, so I wanted to clarify a couple of things.

I did not mean to imply that only unhealthy women have stillborns. Sorry that it came across that way. The point I was trying to make was that I have never heard of an explanation. I have never heard if it was something wrong with my mom, the baby, if the cord was wrapped around her neck. I have had three kids of my own and my mom has never told me of anything I should be aware of.

The part that seems off is that I remember talking with my mom about my sister and I being breach, and I wondered why we weren't c-section. She said that the doctor told her "If you could deliver a 10 pound baby, you could deliver pretty much anything." But wouldn't that be an odd thing to say since there was a stillborn after the 10 pounder? this makes me think that the baby was not actually a stillborn and actually died (or not) sometime after birth. It wouldn't be out of character for my parents to say it was a stillborn to simplify things so that they wouldn't have to endure questions, advice about lawsuits, anger toward hospital from loved ones.

OP, I have to wonder: do you understand what a stillborn baby is? It is a fetus of at least 20 weeks gestation that has died in utero. That could be a 5 month fetus or a full term fetus weighing 10 pounds. I cannot for the life of me understand what you think is strange about what the doc said about your mother's ability to deliver a breech. It us absolutely true that a woman who has delivered a large baby is a better candidate for breech delivery than, say, a woman who has never given birth. Having has a stillborn baby changes the equation not at all, why should it? Further, vaginal breech deliveries were once quite common, not rare as they are today.

There are many, many reasons why a fetus dies in utero, ranging from terrible chromosomal disorders to cord accidents and abnormalities to placental deficiencies and abruptions. But often there is no identified reason for the death.

Stillbirths are actually not uncommon. I don't know why you would think it is more likely that this child was kidnapped than that he/she simply died.

She was full term and died during labor for unknown reasons. You can't understand why I think it's odd that the doctor didn't take this into consideration when deciding whether to let my mom deliver a breech?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. If your sister was buried - if she has a literal grave that you can go to and actually see and touch her tomb stone - why do you think that she is still alive?

This--what makes you think they would have all of this, a funeral, a tomb everything if she had lived? OP, let it go. I'm sorry your sister died and you never knew her.

Exactly! Why the hell would they have a grave for her if she wasn't dead? And, as far as transporting her out of state, she was likely cremated. Even the cremated remains of an adult fit easily into a carry on.

Again, if she did live, I do NOT think my parents know! I do NOT believe they gave her up.

I know my parents quite well. They would not have had her cremated. They would not have transported her themselves (certainly not in a carry on bag!). they would not have held an actual funeral - it would have been a private burial. I never even knew that she had a grave site until a couple of years ago when I came across a picture of it.

You don't know your parents as well as you think because extreme grief is transforming. You don't know how they reacted, you just know who they became.

Listen to yourself OP. Stillbirths happen to all kinds of people. But in your effort to deny that it happened to your mother, you've constructed a story where your sibling was stolen without their knowledge and the hospital provided a fake baby for them to bury. It all pivots on the off chance that your parents never saw the baby after it was born.

I think you really need to think here about 1. what happens to your family if you pursue this, regardless of what you find and 2. what benefit would come from pursuing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your starting premise is that a perfectly healthy mother who has given birth to a perfectly healthy baby is highly unlikely to have a stillborn birth.

False premise.

Find something else to occupy your time and energy.

+1 My aunt had a healthy baby, followed by 2 miscarriages and a still birth, followed by 7 healthy babies. Crap happens. Let it go.