Required student to stay within a certain driving distance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand this perspective. It just strikes me as a bit provincial. Don't you want your children to be independent, strike out on their own, see somewhere different from where they grew up? Why constrain them to driving distance?

Both my parents came from humble backgrounds (two different countries) but went to school *oceans* away from their parents. That was just the norm in both small countries--many people went abroad for university.

My husband also grew up abroad. While his parents settled on the East Coast, he went to the West Coast to a great university. Completely life-changing experience for him that permeates today. I stayed very close to home (TBH, largely due to my long-term boyfriend at the time), and I wish I would've ventured farther afield, for my own development and independence.

I love my young daughter fiercely (she's 3, but I occasionally look at the college board). I plan on strongly encouraging her to go away to school--CA, UK, etc. It will be hard, but I believe that she will learn a lot about herself and gain greater independence along the way, while also planting the seed of travel, experiencing different places, etc.

Of course, a lot can change before then--if she has mental health issues, or special needs, or something, we'll have to take that into consideration. But otherwise, we're pushing her out of the nest and hoping she'll feel confident enough to truly spread her wings (sorry for the cliches; partly the wine talking! ).

PP again. Didn't mean to insinuate that "West is best" or anything. I used to live out West myself and ran into parents who didn't want their children to leave the state of CA for college. Also had frequent contact with undergrads as part of my job--many of them never wanted to leave CA, even though this limited their options when applying to grad school in their chosen field. It just seemed like a very limited perspective.

I say, cut the apron strings and don't come up with excuses re: travel costs, etc. (unless it is really and truly an issue); it is their college experience. Don't make it about you. Like my friend from LA who went to Cornell--IMO, often people can find out a lot about themselves when they're out of their comfort zone and have to learn to relate to people with dissimilar life experiences from their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand this perspective. It just strikes me as a bit provincial. Don't you want your children to be independent, strike out on their own, see somewhere different from where they grew up? Why constrain them to driving distance?

Both my parents came from humble backgrounds (two different countries) but went to school *oceans* away from their parents. That was just the norm in both small countries--many people went abroad for university.

My husband also grew up abroad. While his parents settled on the East Coast, he went to the West Coast to a great university. Completely life-changing experience for him that permeates today. I stayed very close to home (TBH, largely due to my long-term boyfriend at the time), and I wish I would've ventured farther afield, for my own development and independence.

I love my young daughter fiercely (she's 3, but I occasionally look at the college board). I plan on strongly encouraging her to go away to school--CA, UK, etc. It will be hard, but I believe that she will learn a lot about herself and gain greater independence along the way, while also planting the seed of travel, experiencing different places, etc.

Of course, a lot can change before then--if she has mental health issues, or special needs, or something, we'll have to take that into consideration. But otherwise, we're pushing her out of the nest and hoping she'll feel confident enough to truly spread her wings (sorry for the cliches; partly the wine talking! ).

OK, so you want to do it your way because that's how your parents did it, and I want to do it my way because that's how my parents did it.

Going to college near home doesn't mean you don't ever travel or experience anything outside your home. Studying abroad was a wonderful experience for me for a semester. But in our family, 4 years of that would have been too much. I would have missed interacting with my grandparents in the years before their deaths, missed my sibling's wedding, and missed countless holidays. Life is short and it is reasonable to prioritize being near family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand this perspective. It just strikes me as a bit provincial. Don't you want your children to be independent, strike out on their own, see somewhere different from where they grew up? Why constrain them to driving distance?

Both my parents came from humble backgrounds (two different countries) but went to school *oceans* away from their parents. That was just the norm in both small countries--many people went abroad for university.

My husband also grew up abroad. While his parents settled on the East Coast, he went to the West Coast to a great university. Completely life-changing experience for him that permeates today. I stayed very close to home (TBH, largely due to my long-term boyfriend at the time), and I wish I would've ventured farther afield, for my own development and independence.

I love my young daughter fiercely (she's 3, but I occasionally look at the college board). I plan on strongly encouraging her to go away to school--CA, UK, etc. It will be hard, but I believe that she will learn a lot about herself and gain greater independence along the way, while also planting the seed of travel, experiencing different places, etc.

Of course, a lot can change before then--if she has mental health issues, or special needs, or something, we'll have to take that into consideration. But otherwise, we're pushing her out of the nest and hoping she'll feel confident enough to truly spread her wings (sorry for the cliches; partly the wine talking! ).

OK, so you want to do it your way because that's how your parents did it, and I want to do it my way because that's how my parents did it.

Going to college near home doesn't mean you don't ever travel or experience anything outside your home. Studying abroad was a wonderful experience for me for a semester. But in our family, 4 years of that would have been too much. I would have missed interacting with my grandparents in the years before their deaths, missed my sibling's wedding, and missed countless holidays. Life is short and it is reasonable to prioritize being near family.

PP here. Oh, I think you misunderstood my point--in mentioning what has been the norm in my own family and my husband's, I didn't mean to suggest that people should blindly follow family tradition. I just meant to suggest that our own experiences have pushed us to sort of expand our horizons a bit (i.e., going away to college) for our own child.

To be clear, I would never dictate what region of the country my child can apply to college in. I'd definitely urge her to consider places further away, since I've seen many young people stay local for college and then never spread their wings further. I grew up in a small town where most people I know attended college nearby and still live there today. Unless there are extenuating circumstances (severely ill loved-one, etc.), I'm not sure why limiting my child's options to colleges close by would be in the best interest of my child, other than soothing my own parental anxiety/sense of loss. I'd urge her to apply to whatever colleges are the best fit for her personality, intended major, and future plans, whether close by or farther away.

As to your point about missing out on family events, I also missed out on family reunions, grandparents' funerals, etc. because my parents chose to leave their home countries and settle elsewhere. But when is it acceptable for a child to look further from home for education, then? Grad school? First job? There are trade-offs, but that's a conversation to be had about the pros/cons of going away to college. I just hope I don't let my own needs/desires hamper that discussion when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Some parts of the midwest are a 2 hour flight, and can be quite cheap. Total travel time less than 6 hours. West coast is far though. There are great schools in the midwest and there's the opportunity to experience different ids and a different pace than east coast. I wouldn't impose this restriction.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. We will need my son to stay within driving distance because we need him to attend a state school for financial reasons. A friend of mine required her daughter to stay within driving distance for non-financial reasons because her child had severe type 1 diabetes and often had medical issues. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some parts of the midwest are a 2 hour flight, and can be quite cheap. Total travel time less than 6 hours. West coast is far though. There are great schools in the midwest and there's the opportunity to experience different ids and a different pace than east coast. I wouldn't impose this restriction.

Places like Michigan, Ohio, Illinois are even closer. Michigan is the same distance as Boston and Ohio is closer. Flights to Detroit and Chicago are frequent and can be inexpensive. My DC can get door to door in under 4 hours flyng.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Flights are typically not cheap when you try and book same day. This is what concerns my friend. If her DD calls at 2am, she wants to be able to jump in her car and get to her within 6hrs. That is not always the case when the school is not near a major airport or getting a same day flight is cost prohibitive. How often this would happen? Who knows? Maybe never in the 4 years the DD would be at school, but the mom just wants to be available for her DD.

[Anonymous]

As a professor, I find this unfortunate. The college decision becomes more about the mother than about the student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Flights are typically not cheap when you try and book same day. This is what concerns my friend. If her DD calls at 2am, she wants to be able to jump in her car and get to her within 6hrs. That is not always the case when the school is not near a major airport or getting a same day flight is cost prohibitive. How often this would happen? Who knows? Maybe never in the 4 years the DD would be at school, but the mom just wants to be available for her DD.

Now you're throwing in cost as a factor again. There a pps talking about going away even when cost doesn't dictate the decision-making process. Others find cost to be nearly definitive that the kid stay close to home. If the mere possibility of a $600 flight for an unknown future 2am emergency drives your college choice, then, yeah, your kid is limited to Geo Mason or UMD (both perfectly fine schools).

[Anonymous]

My parents told me I had to stay within 3 hours. We were not in this area but there were many excellent schools to choose from. They wanted to be able to drive quickly if there was an emergency and I was the oldest child so they were nervous about me leaving. It was okay and I am planning on telling my children they have to stay in state unless there is a very specific program or reason to attend a private school out of state. Financially it doesn't make sense. My husband is still delusional about them getting full scholarships at a private. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents told me I had to stay within 3 hours. We were not in this area but there were many excellent schools to choose from. They wanted to be able to drive quickly if there was an emergency and I was the oldest child so they were nervous about me leaving. It was okay and I am planning on telling my children they have to stay in state unless there is a very specific program or reason to attend a private school out of state. Financially it doesn't make sense. My husband is still delusional about them getting full scholarships at a private. Lol

#1 How often does this happen?
#2 If there were a true emergency, you would fly out.
#3 A lot of parents don't understand how financial aid works. If your kid gets into a school like Harvard and you qualify for financial aid (and the vast majority of families do qualify for some sort of aid), I hope you realize that it would be cheaper for your kid to go to Harvard than to go to an in-state school. Don't squash your kids' dreams because of misleading information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Flights are typically not cheap when you try and book same day. This is what concerns my friend. If her DD calls at 2am, she wants to be able to jump in her car and get to her within 6hrs. That is not always the case when the school is not near a major airport or getting a same day flight is cost prohibitive. How often this would happen? Who knows? Maybe never in the 4 years the DD would be at school, but the mom just wants to be available for her DD.

The mom is grasping at straws.

[Anonymous]

I have had family members have emergencies at college. A sibling was hospitalized. Another relative had a severe mental illness and essentially stopped functioning. In both situations, the parent had to go to the school. BUT, in neither situation did the parent have to get there immediately. My father drove quite a way to get to sib's hospital, but it was OK because sib was receiving care, wasn't in any danger. In the mental health situation, the school was on top of things and made sure the student wasn't in any immediate danger. It was stessful, but the parent did not need to be there ASAP. I would have no problem with my DC going to a school on the other coast.

My point is that if you really think about it, there aren't many situations where you need to be there within a few hours. They will be cared for if they are sick or in crisis, until you get there. There is very little that colleges haven't seen before. And you do have to develop a new relationship with your DC once they go to college -- they need to be their own primary problem solvers.

Most parents worry about something happening because they aren't ready to cut the umbilical cord. Its different if there is already a situation of physical or mental health issues, in which case you have to decide if they should leave home at all. And if they do, you should establish a support system before they go, wherever they go.

[Anonymous]

9:57 again -- I forgot about this but I was hospitalized in college for emergency, but not life threatening, surgery. My parents didn't even come. I told them not to, I was only going to be in the hospital overnight. Its incredible to think about this because I doubt any parents would stay home like that today. But I was perfectly fine with it. It would have caused more anxiety to have them there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rich people problems. I lived at home and went to State.

And in your kids college search are you expecting them/requiring them to do the same?

I will highly encourage them to do the same. Not because I'm overly attached to them, but because it's a complete waste of money to go away to college when we have fantastic schools in our own backyard. Contrary to popular belief, employers don't care where your degree comes from.

Ha ha, you clearly haven't been through the college process recently. I have "average" for the area kids with fully paid-up 529 plans. So, for us, we were thrilled when they both got into top 50 private colleges (but probably would have been rejected from Va Tech). And I'm not sorry that they didn't want to go to JMU or GMU (not saying there's anything wrong with those schools, just not where my kids wanted to go). So may be a waste of money for you; not a waste of money for us. People are different, you know?

If they would have been rejected by VT then they would have been rejected by GMU which is more selective