Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.

+1. My mom handled four young kids and a dog with cancerwhile my dad was deployed in Vietnam. No relatives ever helped but she didn't expect them to.

Your mom had a lot on her plate. She had some sort of help from someone (friends, neighbors, other military wives, church, etc) or she was letting some things slide.

She didn't have help but she was used to hardship since she was raised in the Depression and also was a military officer herself before getting pregnant with my oldest sister.

[Anonymous]

My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Well, we don't know what help OP asked for. It's possible that he offered to help, but his idea of "help" was in an emergency or in a situation where OP was really in a bind. OP's idea of "help" might be free, unlimited babysitting.

It's very unclear what exactly OP was asking him to do.

OP here. I had surgery last year. It would have been nice if BIL could just play with the kids for a few hours so I could just lay in bed in pain. Painkillers made me drowsy. There were a few times where one of the kids had a birthday party to attend where BIL said he could watch one kid. BIL said he would take the kids so I could attend my friend's birthday brunch. Each incident is not a big deal but it has left a bad taste in my mouth.

I have learned that paid help is better than unreliable family help. I am trying not to hold a grudge but it is hard.

I can understand needing that kind of help. Details make a difference. Now you know he can't be relied on. I hope you can find the support you need next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed too but, just take it as a lesson. He's not someone you can depend on. You forgive but you don't forget.

+1. I would talk to dh and work hard to reduce bil's presence at my home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

How is he self-absorbed, but OP isn't? She wants other people to fill in for her husband after a choice he made.

Yes, he volunteered to serve his country. It's incredibly difficult for the families of those who serve. BIL doesn't have to help, but they don't have to be there for him either. If my family couldn't help me in my time of need, then my family wouldn't be welcome to share in all the good time either.

selfish selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

OP here. I sympathize for you. Can you reach out to your local base for support?

I am not sure what your DH's rank and income is but our reliable help was paid help. I had a mother's helper come on the weekend. My family also came to visit for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Well, we don't know what help OP asked for. It's possible that he offered to help, but his idea of "help" was in an emergency or in a situation where OP was really in a bind. OP's idea of "help" might be free, unlimited babysitting.

It's very unclear what exactly OP was asking him to do.

OP here. I had surgery last year. It would have been nice if BIL could just play with the kids for a few hours so I could just lay in bed in pain. Painkillers made me drowsy. There were a few times where one of the kids had a birthday party to attend where BIL said he could watch one kid. BIL said he would take the kids so I could attend my friend's birthday brunch. Each incident is not a big deal but it has left a bad taste in my mouth.

I have learned that paid help is better than unreliable family help. I am trying not to hold a grudge but it is hard.

I can understand needing that kind of help. Details make a difference. Now you know he can't be relied on. I hope you can find the support you need next time.

OP here. DH has since resigned from the military. He got a new job that pays about triple what he was earning in the military. He will still travel but for short period of time. The difficulty with his deployment was that he was gone for such a long period of time and since he was not gone for a year, he couldn't even take leave to visit us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.

+1. My mom handled four young kids and a dog with cancerwhile my dad was deployed in Vietnam. No relatives ever helped but she didn't expect them to.

Your mom had a lot on her plate. She had some sort of help from someone (friends, neighbors, other military wives, church, etc) or she was letting some things slide.

She didn't have help but she was used to hardship since she was raised in the Depression and also was a military officer herself before getting pregnant with my oldest sister.

I first read this as your mom took care of 4 kids, a dog and she had cancer. Now I realize that the dog was the one that had cancer. So that's a little different. But she still had someone to watch the kids or she never went to her own doctors appts, never got her hair cut, etc. Not to say that she didn't do an amazing job handling things because I'm sure that she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

My OB never saw an issue, so I haven't been able to get a referral or medication. He thinks it's just "hormones". No one else to pay.

[Anonymous]

Any primary care doctor will prescribe anti-depressants. Can you get to a primary care doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

My OB never saw an issue, so I haven't been able to get a referral or medication. He thinks it's just "hormones". No one else to pay.

babysitter? house cleaner? military wives? friends? family? religious resources? mother's helper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

My OB never saw an issue, so I haven't been able to get a referral or medication. He thinks it's just "hormones". No one else to pay.

You need a new OB. If he suspects hormones are at the root of it why the heck isn't he/she treating you? Makes no sense.