Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't believe all the hate on this post. I am not from a military family or background but I think you have every right to feel aggrieved that your BIL didn't help while your husband was deployed. And it would bug the heck out of me to find someone like that at my house all the time now. I don't know why people are accusing you of being entitled or wanting your BIL to raise your kids. Everyone needs an extra set of hands on occasion, and it is disappointing if a family members offers but then never comes through - even worse if you're dealing with a months' long absence from your spouse and your kids' dad while he is in harms way.

At the same time, as sympathetic as I am OP, I do think you need to find a way to get beyond it. Set some limits on BIL's time at your house; get him out of your will as the kids' guardians, whatever. But don't let it fester and make you crazy. I had a crazy sudden health condition last year. It was terrifying, since it involved my brain, and it kept me from doing a lot of normal things (like driving) for months. And it sort of amazed me that none of my friends - some of whom I'd known my whole life - bothered to do a thing for me, like offer a ride for my kids or drop off a meal. I'd done the same in lesser instances for all of them. It really truly bothered me for a long time. But I've had to just move beyond it. I won't forget that they were a little self-involved at my time of need, but they are still people I care about, and life has to go on too. I think sometimes when people see you managing through a crisis without too much drama, it's easy to opt out of making an extra effort. Your BIL may have just rationalized that you were doing fine. Or he may truly be an awful jerk. But either way, you'll have to be around him at least occasionally, and you don't want to waste your reunited family time by being angry.

Yeah, things like that can be a wake up call. But these things can also help you to think ahead and have your ducks in a row if anything like that ever happens again...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't believe all the hate on this post. I am not from a military family or background but I think you have every right to feel aggrieved that your BIL didn't help while your husband was deployed. And it would bug the heck out of me to find someone like that at my house all the time now. I don't know why people are accusing you of being entitled or wanting your BIL to raise your kids. Everyone needs an extra set of hands on occasion, and it is disappointing if a family members offers but then never comes through - even worse if you're dealing with a months' long absence from your spouse and your kids' dad while he is in harms way.

At the same time, as sympathetic as I am OP, I do think you need to find a way to get beyond it. Set some limits on BIL's time at your house; get him out of your will as the kids' guardians, whatever. But don't let it fester and make you crazy. I had a crazy sudden health condition last year. It was terrifying, since it involved my brain, and it kept me from doing a lot of normal things (like driving) for months. And it sort of amazed me that none of my friends - some of whom I'd known my whole life - bothered to do a thing for me, like offer a ride for my kids or drop off a meal. I'd done the same in lesser instances for all of them. It really truly bothered me for a long time. But I've had to just move beyond it. I won't forget that they were a little self-involved at my time of need, but they are still people I care about, and life has to go on too. I think sometimes when people see you managing through a crisis without too much drama, it's easy to opt out of making an extra effort. Your BIL may have just rationalized that you were doing fine. Or he may truly be an awful jerk. But either way, you'll have to be around him at least occasionally, and you don't want to waste your reunited family time by being angry.

OP here. The one friend who did help us a lot was a family whose mom had surgery the year prior. I brought them a few meals and hosted a few play dates so she could rest. They were very thoughtful and I really appreciated it. We have become very good friends through it all. I changed the emergency contact information for our children's schools and added that friend. It used to be BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many here seem to be missing the point. No, it's not BIL's responsibility to help out. But if he doesn't want to or is not able to help, then he shouldn't be doing the, "oh, I will help out when you are deployed" and "oh, I can probably come over and help you" and then flake out. People who are all talk and no action are the worst.

Well, we don't know what help OP asked for. It's possible that he offered to help, but his idea of "help" was in an emergency or in a situation where OP was really in a bind. OP's idea of "help" might be free, unlimited babysitting.

It's very unclear what exactly OP was asking him to do.

OP here. I had surgery last year. It would have been nice if BIL could just play with the kids for a few hours so I could just lay in bed in pain. Painkillers made me drowsy. There were a few times where one of the kids had a birthday party to attend where BIL said he could watch one kid. BIL said he would take the kids so I could attend my friend's birthday brunch. Each incident is not a big deal but it has left a bad taste in my mouth.

I have learned that paid help is better than unreliable family


help. I am trying not to hold a grudge but it is hard.

I hate martyrs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the BIL's responsibility to take care of your family. Period. You should not have expected him to.

Second of all, it's possible that he didn't come around a lot when his brother was away because he felt strange around you for some reason. My guess, especially if he is there a lot now, is that the issue is you.

eh, she feels strange around him and it's her house. Them the breaks.

If she feels strange around him and doesn't want him in her house, then she needs to talk to her husband. It's his house, too!

[Anonymous]

OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

How is he self-absorbed, but OP isn't? She wants other people to fill in for her husband after a choice he made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

How is he self-absorbed, but OP isn't? She wants other people to fill in for her husband after a choice he made.

No she doesn't. She wants people to do what they said they were going to do without flaking or, at least, set appropriate low expectations. I can't get over how much people are reading into this post.

[Anonymous]

I think BIL is uncomfortable being alone with you.

[Anonymous]

Military spouse here. This is why I ignore people when they "offer help" during deployments - they do not follow through. And no, it's not needing the help as much as it is hearing that someone cares about you.

No one needs to kind of "help" OP's BIL and basically everyone else offers. They offer because it's the politically correct thing to do, with no intentions of following through.

[Anonymous]

OP -- just asking, did you ask for help in a way where the BIL would feel like absolute shit if he would dare to say no (and thus make it easier to bail when he's safely away from you)?

You have a legit grievance if the guy's over all the time, eats all the food, and doesn't chip in, ever.

16:51, I suspect even the sincere folks who offer help are waiting for you to ask for specifics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

How is he self-absorbed, but OP isn't? She wants other people to fill in for her husband after a choice he made.

Yes, he volunteered to serve his country. It's incredibly difficult for the families of those who serve. BIL doesn't have to help, but they don't have to be there for him either. If my family couldn't help me in my time of need, then my family wouldn't be welcome to share in all the good time either.

[Anonymous]

I would be pissed too but, just take it as a lesson. He's not someone you can depend on. You forgive but you don't forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it really sucks that your BIL didn't help out. People don't get it. Militaryove every two-three years. It takes time to build a network of people to help out while your DH is deployed. It's also really expensive. Everyone just says you should hire more help. At $15-$20/he, it's so expensive on a military salary to hire all this extra help. I feel for you.

As a former military spouse, I found only other military families understand how hard it is to be the sole provider to your family when you are new to the area. I would look for a battle buddie for yourself. I would take BIL out of the guardian role for your children. He doesn't seem mature enough to handle that type of responsibility. He's too self absorbed at this point in his life.

How is he self-absorbed, but OP isn't? She wants other people to fill in for her husband after a choice he made.

Yes, he volunteered to serve his country. It's incredibly difficult for the families of those who serve. BIL doesn't have to help, but they don't have to be there for him either. If my family couldn't help me in my time of need, then my family wouldn't be welcome to share in all the good time either.

I am a PP. He volunteered to leave his family. I bet it is difficult for the families, but everyone makes choices, and there are probably millions of single-parent families in the world who get by just fine on less and would love to have his resources to do it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.

+1. My mom handled four young kids and a dog with cancerwhile my dad was deployed in Vietnam. No relatives ever helped but she didn't expect them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.

+1. My mom handled four young kids and a dog with cancerwhile my dad was deployed in Vietnam. No relatives ever helped but she didn't expect them to.

Your mom had a lot on her plate. She had some sort of help from someone (friends, neighbors, other military wives, church, etc) or she was letting some things slide.