Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective. I was once young and single, working 12+ hours, often 6 days a week. And taking classes at night. And dating/going out with friends. I had no interest in kids, no interest in anything domestic if it involved more than ordering a pizza. I was single, I had no kids but that did not mean that I was not busy. I would never have offered to be a back up sitter to someone else's kids. Trust me, I was the wrong person for the job at that stage in my life. I'm guessing that may be what is going on with this BIL.

He may feel capable of hanging out with the guys (or guy) during his down time but he really doesn't want to spend his time off helping out someone else.

As it turns out, I wound up becoming a wife and mom and now I totally understand how hard it can be to be responsible for kids 24/7 - and my husband has never deployed! I hope you can find another mom to help you next time. Hugs.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no right to expect your BIL to fill your husband's shoes while he is away.

This is bullshit. The brother made a commitment and let her down. Now, he's completely available to shoot the shit instead of providing any of the promised support during deployment. What is family for? Why'd he fail to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no right to expect your BIL to fill your husband's shoes while he is away.

This is bullshit. The brother made a commitment and let her down. Now, he's completely available to shoot the shit instead of providing any of the promised support during deployment. What is family for? Why'd he fail to step up?

I think people are ignoring the fact that he volunteered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective. I was once young and single, working 12+ hours, often 6 days a week. And taking classes at night. And dating/going out with friends. I had no interest in kids, no interest in anything domestic if it involved more than ordering a pizza. I was single, I had no kids but that did not mean that I was not busy. I would never have offered to be a back up sitter to someone else's kids. Trust me, I was the wrong person for the job at that stage in my life. I'm guessing that may be what is going on with this BIL.

He may feel capable of hanging out with the guys (or guy) during his down time but he really doesn't want to spend his time off helping out someone else.

As it turns out, I wound up becoming a wife and mom and now I totally understand how hard it can be to be responsible for kids 24/7 - and my husband has never deployed! I hope you can find another mom to help you next time. Hugs.

The bolded part is the key difference. The BIL DID offer.

[Anonymous]

She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Military wife here. Trust me, no no one feels they have to say that.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps op was expecting much more than the bio thinks he offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Well maybe BIL needs to grow a pair and not offer help that he has no intention of giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another perspective. I was once young and single, working 12+ hours, often 6 days a week. And taking classes at night. And dating/going out with friends. I had no interest in kids, no interest in anything domestic if it involved more than ordering a pizza. I was single, I had no kids but that did not mean that I was not busy. I would never have offered to be a back up sitter to someone else's kids. Trust me, I was the wrong person for the job at that stage in my life. I'm guessing that may be what is going on with this BIL.

He may feel capable of hanging out with the guys (or guy) during his down time but he really doesn't want to spend his time off helping out someone else.

As it turns out, I wound up becoming a wife and mom and now I totally understand how hard it can be to be responsible for kids 24/7 - and my husband has never deployed! I hope you can find another mom to help you next time. Hugs.

The bolded part is the key difference. The BIL DID offer.

And maybe if he had come through for Op, Op would be more agreeable to having him over more often. But he didn't come through and they do not have that type of warm relationship (his choice). So BIL needs to respect the fact that Op doesn't want him hanging around in her house all the time, ignoring her and eating her food (and making more work for Op).

[Anonymous]

Forgive him and move on. Do not let this become an issue between the two brothers. Now you know that BIL is not cut out to be your children's backup care provider, let alone their guardian. Find another guardian, or even better, several since your choice can always decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forgive him and move on. Do not let this become an issue between the two brothers. Now you know that BIL is not cut out to be your children's backup care provider, let alone their guardian. Find another guardian, or even better, several since your choice can always decline.

+1 Forgive him and move on. AND I would add - Set some limits on his visits. Don't stand between the brothers, but if you don't want this guy lounging around your house all the time - that is very understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Military wife here. Trust me, no no one feels they have to say that.

Having lived through both deployments of my husband and a serious illness of my child, people say it all the time without really meaning it. You have to be the one who takes them up on it and ASK. What's more you need to ask for specific help - "Could you drop the dog at the groomers, for me?", "can you come over and help me move these pieces of furniture around?" It's like when people say they are praying for you. It seems like helping without too much sweat off their brow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Military wife here. Trust me, no no one feels they have to say that.

Having lived through both deployments of my husband and a serious illness of my child, people say it all the time without really meaning it. You have to be the one who takes them up on it and ASK. What's more you need to ask for specific help - "Could you drop the dog at the groomers, for me?", "can you come over and help me move these pieces of furniture around?" It's like when people say they are praying for you. It seems like helping without too much sweat off their brow.

+1000. Very few people instinctively know how to help. These people are to be treasured. The rest need to be told how to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forgive him and move on. Do not let this become an issue between the two brothers. Now you know that BIL is not cut out to be your children's backup care provider, let alone their guardian. Find another guardian, or even better, several since your choice can always decline.

+1 Forgive him and move on. AND I would add - Set some limits on his visits. Don't stand between the brothers, but if you don't want this guy lounging around your house all the time - that is very understandable.

Pp here. Excellent addition!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Military wife here. Trust me, no no one feels they have to say that.

Having lived through both deployments of my husband and a serious illness of my child, people say it all the time without really meaning it. You have to be the one who takes them up on it and ASK. What's more you need to ask for specific help - "Could you drop the dog at the groomers, for me?", "can you come over and help me move these pieces of furniture around?" It's like when people say they are praying for you. It seems like helping without too much sweat off their brow.

+1000. Very few people instinctively know how to help. These people are to be treasured. The rest need to be told how to help.

Tell (teach) someone how to be a good helper and that is a skill that will stay with them throughout their life. But they won't learn if they are never taught.