Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Well maybe BIL needs to grow a pair and not offer help that he has no intention of giving.

I think BIL has learned his lesson. How much childcare and household support had he done prior to DH's employment? In his eagerness to be supportive, he probably had no idea how this obligation would fit into his graduate student life. Ditto for the guardianship. Sometimes it is easier just to designate a sibling as a guardian when, in reality, they would not be able to assume this responsibiity if something happened to us tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

^^deployment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said he did.
He might have felt he had to say that.

Well maybe BIL needs to grow a pair and not offer help that he has no intention of giving.

I think BIL has learned his lesson. How much childcare and household support had he done prior to DH's employment? In his eagerness to be supportive, he probably had no idea how this obligation would fit into his graduate student life. Ditto for the guardianship. Sometimes it is easier just to designate a sibling as a guardian when, in reality, they would not be able to assume this responsibiity if something happened to us tomorrow.

I somehow doubt that BIL offered this spontaneously. Not sure if he felt put on the spot to agree to this or just promised his brother in a generic way that he would "look out for" his wife and kids while he was gone.

I have a hard time envisioning this guy offering - "I'll be happy to be your back up baby sitter, SIL. Call me and watch the kids any time!" That may be what she heard but I'm guessing it was more of a non-specific "Call me if you need anything" sort of thing. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1000. I'm a civilian living in a military community and I see how hard it is for deployed spouses who have children. Those of you attacking OP, you all have no idea (and neither do I in practice, but more than you trolls simply because I'm friends with some of these women). Until you've walked a mile in OP's shoes...

I agree, OP, BIL should have lent a hand and you need to explain your feelings (calmly) to your husband and to BIL. Not in a barn-burning sort of way, though. Hopefully he'll step up next time - maybe he had his reasons?


Please. I've been a military spouse with a deployed husband. It's less difficult than it is to be a single mother. You're still getting your DH's paycheck, access to all things military, and you get a lot of support from the community and the military, especially if you ask.

--walked more than a mile in those shoes.

Same here. OP needs to let it go and suck it up.

Agreed. My husband isn't military but recently did a TDY out of town for 6 months. I took care of my own kids and never thought for a second that it was anyone else's problem to deal with. Plenty of people offered in passing that if I needed anything they would help out. I never felt the need to do that because a. I can handle the life I created, and 2. it's not their problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, take a good look at yourself and your entitlement issues.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

So you're saying that we should shrug our shoulders every time a soldier comes home in a box because "he signed up for it"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

So you're saying that we should shrug our shoulders every time a soldier comes home in a box because "he signed up for it"?

Not going to entertain your straw man argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

So you're saying that we should shrug our shoulders every time a soldier comes home in a box because "he signed up for it"?

Not going to entertain your straw man argument.

You just did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

So you're saying that we should shrug our shoulders every time a soldier comes home in a box because "he signed up for it"?

Do you weep every time an oil rig worker dies doing his best to fill up your SUV?

[Anonymous]

RE: People saying they will help.

I offer to help, but sometimes the person needs to say what they need, too. Like PPs suggestion of taking the dog to the groomer. From what I recall of the thread OP did that and the BIL still flaked.

[Anonymous]

Next time BIL is over for dinner invite a friend who helped you and gush over what a life saving wonderful person she is.

Your BIL was an ass.

[Anonymous]

If you choose a military lifestyle it's up to you to deal with the consequences. You don't know why you didn't get help, you are just making assumptions. Don't put your problems and choices on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe the reaction of some posters to the OP. Her husband is in the military and was deployed. If he was a banker and had to move to secure a huge bonus, then I would feel little sympathy for them. But he's not - he is in the military working for all of us, and we should appreciate that. And so should her BIL. Having said that, I would say that it is up to her DH to confront his brother, because in the end it was his brother who let him down. Presumably he went off on deployment feeling slightly more secure in the knowledge that his wife and family would be cared for by his brother. But that didn't happen.

he signed up for this. so did she.

So you're saying that we should shrug our shoulders every time a soldier comes home in a box because "he signed up for it"?

Do you weep every time an oil rig worker dies doing his best to fill up your SUV?

I'm sorry - I must have missed that news story about the government nationalising oil companies and being able to deploy their workers, for up to two years, for the security and welbeing of the US.