Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

There are many, many, many resources available to you through the base. If you can't function well enough to located and utilize them, your husband needs to make some calls now to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

PP, I really hope you seek medication for the PPD. Some therapists will Skype. There are PACE groups and other support groups run through hospitals.

OP, I'm sorry your BIL left you in the lurch. I don't blame you for feeling hurt by his lack of help. I also don't understand why there is such push-back on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

My OB never saw an issue, so I haven't been able to get a referral or medication. He thinks it's just "hormones". No one else to pay.

You need a new OB. If he suspects hormones are at the root of it why the heck isn't he/she treating you? Makes no sense.

Because he doesn't think it's PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband deploys in six months. I know no one will offer me help, and after reading this, I know not to ask. I don't know how I'll survive it.

Instead of sitting around with a hand out waiting for help, seek it out on your own. Make a plan. Manage your family.

Since my PPD is so severe I can't leave the house, and have been begging for help for months, and getting none, I don't really appreciate your platitudes.

Instead of begging for help, why aren't you paying for help? You don't have to be a martyr.

My OB never saw an issue, so I haven't been able to get a referral or medication. He thinks it's just "hormones". No one else to pay.

You need a new OB. If he suspects hormones are at the root of it why the heck isn't he/she treating you? Makes no sense.

Because he doesn't think it's PPD.

PPD has to have onset within a month post-partum, which, given the info from the PP (if I've read all her posts), we can't tell. Even if it's not PPD, it could be another depressive disorder. Go to another doctor, PP. Take care of it before your husband leaves. I am a PP who thinks OP is a big whiner, but where mood or other disorders are involved, you need to have it worked out right now, before he leaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:



PPD has to have onset within a month post-partum

This is not true. Please do not spread dangerous misinformation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.

+1. My mom handled four young kids and a dog with cancerwhile my dad was deployed in Vietnam. No relatives ever helped but she didn't expect them to.

Your mom had a lot on her plate. She had some sort of help from someone (friends, neighbors, other military wives, church, etc) or she was letting some things slide.

Some forms of help are so ingrained in life that they're not even regarded as "help"

Sort of like Craig T. Nelson (actor) declaring that he never got government help despite going on food stamps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



PPD has to have onset within a month post-partum

This is not true. Please do not spread dangerous misinformation.

It is true. The DSM-5 says major depressive disorder with post-partum onset is 4-6 weeks after birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



PPD has to have onset within a month post-partum

This is not true. Please do not spread dangerous misinformation.

It is true. The DSM-5 says major depressive disorder with post-partum onset is 4-6 weeks after birth.

Correcting myself.. DSM-4 says that. 5 says four weeks.

[Anonymous]

No one on my family is in the military, but I imagine that it is very difficult to have your spouse gone for an extended period of time. In my world, family would absolutely step up. Hell, when I get sick, my parents often come from several states away to help with my kids since my husband works a lot. Of course you can do it on your own, but I find it odd that family wouldn't step up at a time like that (and I would absolutely reciprocate if needed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:



PPD has to have onset within a month post-partum

This is not true. Please do not spread dangerous misinformation.

It is true. The DSM-5 says major depressive disorder with post-partum onset is 4-6 weeks after birth.

Correcting myself.. DSM-4 says that. 5 says four weeks.

And ACOG says it can occur up to a year after the birth so clearly there is some disagreement among professionals here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have no right to expect your BIL to fill your husband's shoes while he is away.

Seriously. This isn't Victorian England.

[Anonymous]

I'd be pissed too. He never should have offered if he wasn't going to help. I have a sister like that. It's frustrating. I told her to stop with the empty promises and offers. And now that he's over all the time, I could totally see your frustration.

[Anonymous]

And just for a different perspective, please remember that there are many families of reservists who absolutely do not have access to the same resources and support that the active duty families who are near or on a base have. We received NO contact from anyone in the Navy during my husband's entire deployment, even though there are supposed to be support systems in place. Thank goodness I had rock star support from my family, friends and in-laws, because it was really difficult with small children (I work full time).

Best to you OP; I would be upset, too, but hope you can find a way to make peace for your own well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And just for a different perspective, please remember that there are many families of reservists who absolutely do not have access to the same resources and support that the active duty families who are near or on a base have. We received NO contact from anyone in the Navy during my husband's entire deployment, even though there are supposed to be support systems in place. Thank goodness I had rock star support from my family, friends and in-laws, because it was really difficult with small children (I work full time).

Best to you OP; I would be upset, too, but hope you can find a way to make peace for your own well being.

Sadly true. It's not an issue of the military not providing support, but when you're 100+ miles from the nearest family support center, they are limited in what they can do. It's unfortunate, because reservist families deal with more of a culture shock when a family member deploys.

[Anonymous]

Another perspective. I was once young and single, working 12+ hours, often 6 days a week. And taking classes at night. And dating/going out with friends. I had no interest in kids, no interest in anything domestic if it involved more than ordering a pizza. I was single, I had no kids but that did not mean that I was not busy. I would never have offered to be a back up sitter to someone else's kids. Trust me, I was the wrong person for the job at that stage in my life. I'm guessing that may be what is going on with this BIL.

He may feel capable of hanging out with the guys (or guy) during his down time but he really doesn't want to spend his time off helping out someone else.

As it turns out, I wound up becoming a wife and mom and now I totally understand how hard it can be to be responsible for kids 24/7 - and my husband has never deployed! I hope you can find another mom to help you next time. Hugs.