Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

[Anonymous]

+1 on not making the kids be the enforcers. OP, please don't place them in a difficult position.

My mom also had an affair, and is also boundary-challenged. I have enough on my plate just trying to deal with having her as my mom, especially as a teenager. Caring about my stepmom's rules or feelings would be nice, but it's more than I'm able to do right now. She's on her own. She chose this family, nobody asked her to marry in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

A PP here...do you recall what the justification was for the husband losing the case? I mean, this case is a clear case of trespassing. Or does it not count as trespassing because the kids let her in?

As a stepmom to a stepdaughter in her 20's, I would absolutely not advise OP to just wait this out "a few years" when they'll all be moved out. It's very unlikely that all the kids will move out at 18. I thought that so much that was intolerable when my SD was in high school would magically be done with once she was 18. But no, my husband's ex just continued on in the same fashion, and my SD had the same problems moving forward, only magnified in many ways because the stakes are so much higher in adulthood. So I would never advise a stepparent to just put up with an intolerable situation until the children turn 18. OP, it's likely that your husband's ex would keep dropping by while the kids are home from college or even if they lived with you beyond that. Do you really want to sign up for this for another decade, of always having an interloper who could stop into your home at any time? That's why I'm the PP suggesting a move to a new house for a fresh start that would make the boundaries a little easier for these young adults to conceptualize. That house would clearly be "stepmom and dad's house" not "house I grew up in where mom belongs".

[Anonymous]

Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

A PP here...do you recall what the justification was for the husband losing the case? I mean, this case is a clear case of trespassing. Or does it not count as trespassing because the kids let her in?

As a stepmom to a stepdaughter in her 20's, I would absolutely not advise OP to just wait this out "a few years" when they'll all be moved out. It's very unlikely that all the kids will move out at 18. I thought that so much that was intolerable when my SD was in high school would magically be done with once she was 18. But no, my husband's ex just continued on in the same fashion, and my SD had the same problems moving forward, only magnified in many ways because the stakes are so much higher in adulthood. So I would never advise a stepparent to just put up with an intolerable situation until the children turn 18. OP, it's likely that your husband's ex would keep dropping by while the kids are home from college or even if they lived with you beyond that. Do you really want to sign up for this for another decade, of always having an interloper who could stop into your home at any time? That's why I'm the PP suggesting a move to a new house for a fresh start that would make the boundaries a little easier for these young adults to conceptualize. That house would clearly be "stepmom and dad's house" not "house I grew up in where mom belongs".

The ex could continue to disrespect boundaries in a new house, too. They'd still be her kids hanging out in the house. Moving to a new house doesn't solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

A PP here...do you recall what the justification was for the husband losing the case? I mean, this case is a clear case of trespassing. Or does it not count as trespassing because the kids let her in?

As a stepmom to a stepdaughter in her 20's, I would absolutely not advise OP to just wait this out "a few years" when they'll all be moved out. It's very unlikely that all the kids will move out at 18. I thought that so much that was intolerable when my SD was in high school would magically be done with once she was 18. But no, my husband's ex just continued on in the same fashion, and my SD had the same problems moving forward, only magnified in many ways because the stakes are so much higher in adulthood. So I would never advise a stepparent to just put up with an intolerable situation until the children turn 18. OP, it's likely that your husband's ex would keep dropping by while the kids are home from college or even if they lived with you beyond that. Do you really want to sign up for this for another decade, of always having an interloper who could stop into your home at any time? That's why I'm the PP suggesting a move to a new house for a fresh start that would make the boundaries a little easier for these young adults to conceptualize. That house would clearly be "stepmom and dad's house" not "house I grew up in where mom belongs".

Yes, but when they are adults, if they are still living at home, can't they have company over whenever they wanted? Whether it's their mom or a friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is gonna hurt the children's feelings. They are old enough to invite someone over.

If I understand correctly, this is the house the children lived in with their mother. It seems a lot to ask of them to tell their mother she can't come in, even if she does stay a little while. . .

Um no. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. The mother lives in a different house now. That is where the kids should see her. This is so basic come on people! The ex SHOULD know better. She probably does know better - but if she doesn't then you TELL her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP is gonna hurt the children's feelings. They are old enough to invite someone over.

If I understand correctly, this is the house the children lived in with their mother. It seems a lot to ask of them to tell their mother she can't come in, even if she does stay a little while. . .

Um no. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. The mother lives in a different house now. That is where the kids should see her. This is so basic come on people! The ex SHOULD know better. She probably does know better - but if she doesn't then you TELL her.

Step mom here. Nothing about these types of relationships is basic. They are fact-unique situations with a LOT of variables. That is why a lot of the advice given in this thread is worthless.

[Anonymous]

Meh. I am the custodial parent and I allow my ex full access to my home. If he needs to stop by there when I am not home to get clothes or what have you, I have no problem with that. But I am a single parent, I don't have a mate who would feel intruded upon. I can understand your feeling that way.

Something to note, I don't keep *any* personal papers/info in the house. I also have nanny cam (part of the security system) but of course, have fully disclosed this to the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not divorced or remarried, so take this with the grain of salt it deserves from someone who has never been in this situation . . .

I'm a lawyer and years ago observed a case very similar to this. The ex-husband actually sued his ex-wife for trespass and other things. It went to jury and he lost. But the real loser was the kids, who were put in the middle, put on the stand, etc. It was awful.

So, while the ex should not be in your house, it sounds like there is no way to stop it without putting the kids in the middle. Don't do that. Be the bigger person. In a few years they'll all be moved out and ex will never be in your house again. But for now, for the sake of those kids who cleary have a mother who will give them lifelong headaches, try to let it go.

A PP here...do you recall what the justification was for the husband losing the case? I mean, this case is a clear case of trespassing. Or does it not count as trespassing because the kids let her in?

As a stepmom to a stepdaughter in her 20's, I would absolutely not advise OP to just wait this out "a few years" when they'll all be moved out. It's very unlikely that all the kids will move out at 18. I thought that so much that was intolerable when my SD was in high school would magically be done with once she was 18. But no, my husband's ex just continued on in the same fashion, and my SD had the same problems moving forward, only magnified in many ways because the stakes are so much higher in adulthood. So I would never advise a stepparent to just put up with an intolerable situation until the children turn 18. OP, it's likely that your husband's ex would keep dropping by while the kids are home from college or even if they lived with you beyond that. Do you really want to sign up for this for another decade, of always having an interloper who could stop into your home at any time? That's why I'm the PP suggesting a move to a new house for a fresh start that would make the boundaries a little easier for these young adults to conceptualize. That house would clearly be "stepmom and dad's house" not "house I grew up in where mom belongs".

Yes, but when they are adults, if they are still living at home, can't they have company over whenever they wanted? Whether it's their mom or a friend?

No! They can have company over whenever they want to when they have their own houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

Yep, exactly. My parents divorced when I was 8. If my dad would have pushed something like this, I would have resented him for it. If my stepmom had, I would have HATED her for it. Keep in mind that the kids will grow up to be adults, with children of their own. Right now is when you earn (or lose) the trust and allegiance of those kids. Fighting a battle over allowing THEIR MOTHER into THEIR HOME will mean you'll likely end up losing on a much larger scale.

What are you really concerned about? Do you believe she's digging through your things? Judging your spice cabinet? Or might she just be spendin time with her children in their home?

[Anonymous]

When you married him you also married into the children and the ex. #GetOverIt

[Anonymous]

The OP did not say anything about the kids wanting their mom to be the house. Do they?
I still don't see why the ex insists on hanging out in the house and why you have to put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP did not say anything about the kids wanting their mom to be the house. Do they?
I still don't see why the ex insists on hanging out in the house and why you have to put up with it.

Is her name on the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.