Reply to Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her. [/quote]

+1.  Happened in my own family.  As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue.  He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside.  Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such.  They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house.  We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time.  It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom.  We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic.  Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price. [/quote]

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.[/quote]

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