Cold feet ever since I got engaged and wedding is this weekend!

[Anonymous]

OP is getting married to this guy. I hope she is okay with him not changing. I never had cold feet with my husband and am happy we're married almost fifteen years later, but I did think he would change in some respects (care more about how clean things are, be more financially responsible, etc.). While he has improved over the years, it wasn't marriage that did it but just growing up. His basic personality, however, is still the same (which is good, in my case).

Good luck, OP. I hope everyone is wrong and your marriage is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is getting married to this guy. I hope she is okay with him not changing. I never had cold feet with my husband and am happy we're married almost fifteen years later, but I did think he would change in some respects (care more about how clean things are, be more financially responsible, etc.). While he has improved over the years, it wasn't marriage that did it but just growing up. His basic personality, however, is still the same (which is good, in my case).

Good luck, OP. I hope everyone is wrong and your marriage is great.

What's the old saying? Men marry women hoping they'll never change, while women marry men hoping they WILL change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the other hand, he's a generous tipper even when he's not "nice". Fiance has lots of good qualities but yes I'm a bit worried. Does everyone get married thinking their fiancé is perfect? Because that's not me at all...

I hope not! They would be crazy, because no one is perfect.

The drink-to-relax concept is concerning - makes me think he might have alcoholic tendencies. Anyone in his family addicted to something? There is a genetic predisposition to addiction, and healthy people do not need to drink alcohol to relax and be nice to others. Red flag.

Of course people are more relaxed when they drink. WTF. His rudeness to others is something that can be worked on. I haven't read beyond the above post on page 1 but I will say maybe his social skills are not his strong suit. I know many people like this. They are special in others ways. You can't have it all but you can certainly coach him on this type of thing. Teach him to take other people's perspectives a little and not think he's superior. Nobody's perfect and many people who get married feeling certain about it end up getting divorced and vice versa. It's not easy to find the perfect partner. Do an inventory of what you do have in him that's positive and see if that's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2 cents... Very high stress time for both of you and while I feel that there are likely some pretty significant underlying issues here with your fiancé, my vote would be to get married and wait a while for things to settle down/improve before having kids. Look, people get divorced. I got married when I was very young right out of college and divorced a few years later but didn't have any kids. Second time around I remarried in my early 30s and DW and I just celebrated our second anniversary and are planning on starting a family soon. You have a pre-nup in place and that's probably a good thing. We did not go that route but given what you've shared it's an easier exit. I had one the first time around. All of this being said you guys got together for a reason and despite his faults and drinking, etc, the dude probably really loves you.

If you are really unsure about the wedding sit down and make a pro/con list if you haven't already. Worst case scenario he turns into a horrible drunk and becomes abusive you get the marriage annulled.

I DO NOT agree with this advice. OP, your fiance is showing you clear signs that he is not the type of person you want to be with. It will only get worse after you are married. Think long and hard before you marry him. I am telling you this because I was married for 12 years to a man I never should have married in the first place. I had two children with him and unfortunately he will always be in my life. Get out now while you can. Or at least hold off on the wedding until you can say for sure you do not have any doubts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 2 cents... Very high stress time for both of you and while I feel that there are likely some pretty significant underlying issues here with your fiancé, my vote would be to get married and wait a while for things to settle down/improve before having kids. Look, people get divorced. I got married when I was very young right out of college and divorced a few years later but didn't have any kids. Second time around I remarried in my early 30s and DW and I just celebrated our second anniversary and are planning on starting a family soon. You have a pre-nup in place and that's probably a good thing. We did not go that route but given what you've shared it's an easier exit. I had one the first time around. All of this being said you guys got together for a reason and despite his faults and drinking, etc, the dude probably really loves you.

If you are really unsure about the wedding sit down and make a pro/con list if you haven't already. Worst case scenario he turns into a horrible drunk and becomes abusive you get the marriage annulled.

I DO NOT agree with this advice. OP, your fiance is showing you clear signs that he is not the type of person you want to be with. It will only get worse after you are married. Think long and hard before you marry him. I am telling you this because I was married for 12 years to a man I never should have married in the first place. I had two children with him and unfortunately he will always be in my life. Get out now while you can. Or at least hold off on the wedding until you can say for sure you do not have any doubts.

Horrible advice. Everyone I know who has been married has had doubts and cold feet to some degree. It is one of the biggest life changing events people go thru and you're telling her to bail until she has NO doubts at all? Not realistic at all. I think you're projecting a bit.

[Anonymous]

Horrible advice. Everyone I know who has been married has had doubts and cold feet to some degree. It is one of the biggest life changing events people go thru and you're telling her to bail until she has NO doubts at all? Not realistic at all. I think you're projecting a bit.

Maybe doubts about marriage in general are typical--but this is a case where the OP has had doubt for a year. Has expressed those doubts to family, to fiancé and to THERAPIST. Doubts not about being married in general, but about the character of her fiancé. I'd say that's pretty serious. I don't know anyone who had doubts like that--who is still married. I know two couples where one of the partner expressed doubts before marriage/engagement in similar ways--one is now divorced, the other in a very unhappy marriage (and yes, got pregnant right away).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

You don't seem to be in love with this man.
Is this a marriage of convenience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

You don't seem to be in love with this man.
Is this a marriage of convenience?

Sounds to me like a marriage of status, and the son of her moms friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Horrible advice. Everyone I know who has been married has had doubts and cold feet to some degree. It is one of the biggest life changing events people go thru and you're telling her to bail until she has NO doubts at all? Not realistic at all. I think you're projecting a bit.

Maybe doubts about marriage in general are typical--but this is a case where the OP has had doubt for a year. Has expressed those doubts to family, to fiancé and to THERAPIST. Doubts not about being married in general, but about the character of her fiancé. I'd say that's pretty serious. I don't know anyone who had doubts like that--who is still married. I know two couples where one of the partner expressed doubts before marriage/engagement in similar ways--one is now divorced, the other in a very unhappy marriage (and yes, got pregnant right away).

Doubts are normal -- doubts about everything a marriage will bring, what if she ends up not wanting kids/what will DH say, what if DH is a slob etc. But doubts that force you into therapy before marriage?? Never heard of that. Doubts about whether he'll be nice to you and civil and respectful to you -- never heard of that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a saying, "If you're not nice to the waiter, you're not nice."

Yep. That kind of behavior wouldn't have gotten past the first date. I think you can tell a lot by how someone treats people he doesn't necessarily *have* to be nice to.

Sorry you're in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Good luck to you, OP.
We've heard the bad side of him, but I'm sure there's a good side too - let's hope he latter outweighs the former.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

He basically sounds like an alcoholic dick! I would ditch him and continue to have unprotected sex for as long as you can until you get pregnant, then marry the guy that knocked you up, as it's the right thing to do....

[Anonymous]

If he generally isn't nice -- to service people etc. -- how did you make it past the first few months of dating, let alone a yr of dating plus a yr of engagement -- without being bothered by it?

I think it's odd to just go ahead with this wedding bc your guests have flown in from Europe. Sure they'll be pissed about the money wasted, but are you really looking forward to your honeymoon or 1-2 weeks from now when you return from your honeymoon with this guy?

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Bet he's rich, prenup or not op wants the lifestyle.