Curious: how often do you have sex and what is your children's bedtimes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always fascinate me because the folks here are having way more sex than all my friends.

+ 1

I also find it interesting that the ones who have sex everyday- especially in the shower or in the morning, and have little kids- aren't being interrupted all the time. For example, I know my three year old has a sixth sense as to when I am awake in the mornings, and she often wakes up if I am awake. Not saying its impossible, I just have a hard time imagining that. Or if you have teenagers who don't go to bed until 10 and you are having sex every night, don't they hear you/know what you are doing especially if you are doing it like clockwork?

Why do you care if your teens know/hear you?

A common excuse for lack of intimacy. Shame on you.

Knowing is different than hearing. It's rude to subject your teens to your amorous sounds. Come on.

I'd rather have slightly less frequent uninhibited sex than more frequent sex with others nearby.

I doubt your spouse agrees with you.

[Anonymous]

One kid in elementary and one kid in preschool. Bed time is 8:00. We have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I'd love more but my husband plays video games late most nights, so... hard to have that connection when that is how he chooses to spend his nights. Yeah, I'm up now and guess what he is doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Wow, a lot of women who need it as frequently and as badly as I do.

I love DW but these days I often wonder if I married the wrong person.

DW here, and i feel the same was as you about my DH. i just met somebody else who is in the same situation in his marriage, so lots of emotional lines have been crossed and is likely to become physical. its a fucked up quagmire, to say the least, but 10 years of a basically sexless marriage is just awful. i am working up the courage to ask DH for a separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One kid in elementary and one kid in preschool. Bed time is 8:00. We have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I'd love more but my husband plays video games late most nights, so... hard to have that connection when that is how he chooses to spend his nights. Yeah, I'm up now and guess what he is doing

Walk in there and slap him on the pecker. Geez woman. Have you so totally forgotten how to mesmerize a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always fascinate me because the folks here are having way more sex than all my friends.

+ 1

I also find it interesting that the ones who have sex everyday- especially in the shower or in the morning, and have little kids- aren't being interrupted all the time. For example, I know my three year old has a sixth sense as to when I am awake in the mornings, and she often wakes up if I am awake. Not saying its impossible, I just have a hard time imagining that. Or if you have teenagers who don't go to bed until 10 and you are having sex every night, don't they hear you/know what you are doing especially if you are doing it like clockwork?

Why do you care if your teens know/hear you?

A common excuse for lack of intimacy. Shame on you.

Knowing is different than hearing. It's rude to subject your teens to your amorous sounds. Come on.

I'd rather have slightly less frequent uninhibited sex than more frequent sex with others nearby.

I doubt your spouse agrees with you.

Yes, because it's all up to your spouse to decide the frequency and quality of your sex? SMH.

[Anonymous]

Here we go again. It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week. Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives. I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like. Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week. Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives. I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like. Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.

There is a lot of truth to what you say, but a couple of thoughts:

1) Sex is not just about "getting off." That's a mistake a lot of lower drive spouses seem to make. It's not about the orgasm. Or at least not just about the orgasm. It's about feeling loved and valued. Some people - I'm one of them to some extent - can't believe at a visceral level that their spouse loves and values them if the spouse doesn't want to have sex. My wife can *say* "I love you" - but if she only wants to have sex with me once a month or less, the words are unconvincing.

2) I don't think these unhealthy dynamics are just on the margins. If normal is 1-2x per week (say 6x per month), I'm pretty sure that there are a very large number of marriages where the couple is having sex less than 20% of that and where one spouse is deeply unhappy. There aren't any great answers for these suffering spouses, and society tends to try not to think about it too much. It can be very isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week. Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives. I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like. Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.

There is a lot of truth to what you say, but a couple of thoughts:

1) Sex is not just about "getting off." That's a mistake a lot of lower drive spouses seem to make. It's not about the orgasm. Or at least not just about the orgasm. It's about feeling loved and valued. Some people - I'm one of them to some extent - can't believe at a visceral level that their spouse loves and values them if the spouse doesn't want to have sex. My wife can *say* "I love you" - but if she only wants to have sex with me once a month or less, the words are unconvincing.

2) I don't think these unhealthy dynamics are just on the margins. If normal is 1-2x per week (say 6x per month), I'm pretty sure that there are a very large number of marriages where the couple is having sex less than 20% of that and where one spouse is deeply unhappy. There aren't any great answers for these suffering spouses, and society tends to try not to think about it too much. It can be very isolating.

And here's what you don't get. The lower drive spouse can enjoy sex just as much as the higher drive spouse. Just because someone wants sex 1-2x/week vs 4-5x/week does not mean they don't like sex for all sorts of reasons! And conversely if they are pressured into have sex every day, they will lose that enjoyment just as much as you lose enjoyment by having less sex than you want. It's all about reasonable compromise and being an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One kid in elementary and one kid in preschool. Bed time is 8:00. We have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I'd love more but my husband plays video games late most nights, so... hard to have that connection when that is how he chooses to spend his nights. Yeah, I'm up now and guess what he is doing

Walk in there and slap him on the pecker. Geez woman. Have you so totally forgotten how to mesmerize a man?

I smell a troll. Move along, nothing to see here. I think every single one of these comments in this entire thread that intend to shame the DW are from the same person, who probably is a virgin teenage boy or in a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week. Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives. I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like. Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.

There is a lot of truth to what you say, but a couple of thoughts:

1) Sex is not just about "getting off." That's a mistake a lot of lower drive spouses seem to make. It's not about the orgasm. Or at least not just about the orgasm. It's about feeling loved and valued. Some people - I'm one of them to some extent - can't believe at a visceral level that their spouse loves and values them if the spouse doesn't want to have sex. My wife can *say* "I love you" - but if she only wants to have sex with me once a month or less, the words are unconvincing.

2) I don't think these unhealthy dynamics are just on the margins. If normal is 1-2x per week (say 6x per month), I'm pretty sure that there are a very large number of marriages where the couple is having sex less than 20% of that and where one spouse is deeply unhappy. There aren't any great answers for these suffering spouses, and society tends to try not to think about it too much. It can be very isolating.

And here's what you don't get. The lower drive spouse can enjoy sex just as much as the higher drive spouse. Just because someone wants sex 1-2x/week vs 4-5x/week does not mean they don't like sex for all sorts of reasons! And conversely if they are pressured into have sex every day, they will lose that enjoyment just as much as you lose enjoyment by having less sex than you want. It's all about reasonable compromise and being an adult.

Well, sure. But the lower drive spouse has the leverage in that particular negotiation. They're holding most of the cards and have little incentive to negotiate. That's why you have the high drive spouse jumping through hoops to please the low drive spouse to make sex happen and why you don't have the low drive spouse jumping through hoops to please the high drive spouse to make sex not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here we go again. It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week. Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives. I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like. Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.

There is a lot of truth to what you say, but a couple of thoughts:

1) Sex is not just about "getting off." That's a mistake a lot of lower drive spouses seem to make. It's not about the orgasm. Or at least not just about the orgasm. It's about feeling loved and valued. Some people - I'm one of them to some extent - can't believe at a visceral level that their spouse loves and values them if the spouse doesn't want to have sex. My wife can *say* "I love you" - but if she only wants to have sex with me once a month or less, the words are unconvincing.

2) I don't think these unhealthy dynamics are just on the margins. If normal is 1-2x per week (say 6x per month), I'm pretty sure that there are a very large number of marriages where the couple is having sex less than 20% of that and where one spouse is deeply unhappy. There aren't any great answers for these suffering spouses, and society tends to try not to think about it too much. It can be very isolating.

And here's what you don't get. The lower drive spouse can enjoy sex just as much as the higher drive spouse. Just because someone wants sex 1-2x/week vs 4-5x/week does not mean they don't like sex for all sorts of reasons! And conversely if they are pressured into have sex every day, they will lose that enjoyment just as much as you lose enjoyment by having less sex than you want. It's all about reasonable compromise and being an adult.

True. I LOVE cheesecake. But if I had it everyday, at 9 pm I would get sick of it after a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One kid in elementary and one kid in preschool. Bed time is 8:00. We have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I'd love more but my husband plays video games late most nights, so... hard to have that connection when that is how he chooses to spend his nights. Yeah, I'm up now and guess what he is doing

Walk in there and slap him on the pecker. Geez woman. Have you so totally forgotten how to mesmerize a man?

I smell a troll. Move along, nothing to see here. I think every single one of these comments in this entire thread that intend to shame the DW are from the same person, who probably is a virgin teenage boy or in a sexless marriage.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These threads always fascinate me because the folks here are having way more sex than all my friends.

+ 1

I also find it interesting that the ones who have sex everyday- especially in the shower or in the morning, and have little kids- aren't being interrupted all the time. For example, I know my three year old has a sixth sense as to when I am awake in the mornings, and she often wakes up if I am awake. Not saying its impossible, I just have a hard time imagining that. Or if you have teenagers who don't go to bed until 10 and you are having sex every night, don't they hear you/know what you are doing especially if you are doing it like clockwork?

Why do you care if your teens know/hear you?

A common excuse for lack of intimacy. Shame on you.

Knowing is different than hearing. It's rude to subject your teens to your amorous sounds. Come on.

I'd rather have slightly less frequent uninhibited sex than more frequent sex with others nearby.

I doubt your spouse agrees with you.

Hey know-it-all, how do you know? And I a man or a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One kid in elementary and one kid in preschool. Bed time is 8:00. We have sex once a week, if I'm lucky. I'd love more but my husband plays video games late most nights, so... hard to have that connection when that is how he chooses to spend his nights. Yeah, I'm up now and guess what he is doing

How is communication between you guys?

Maybe he doesn't know you'd love more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Wow, a lot of women who need it as frequently and as badly as I do.

I love DW but these days I often wonder if I married the wrong person.

DW here, and i feel the same was as you about my DH. i just met somebody else who is in the same situation in his marriage, so lots of emotional lines have been crossed and is likely to become physical. its a fucked up quagmire, to say the least, but 10 years of a basically sexless marriage is just awful. i am working up the courage to ask DH for a separation.

Wishing you the best. You need to take care of yourself. Ten years is a long time.