Reply to Curious: how often do you have sex and what is your children's bedtimes?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here we go again.  It is completely *average* for a married couple in their 30s-40s to have sex 1-2x/week.  Nobody should feel shamed for having average amounts of sex -- just like nobody should feel shamed for having more or less than that, as long as it works for you and your partner. There's nothing morally superior about having tons of sex.

And few couples have naturally perfectly matching sex drives.  I'd wager that happiness in a marriage is about personality and values, not about [b]somebody getting you off exactly how often and in the exact manner you'd like[/b].  Like all other aspects of marriage, success and happiness come with figuring out how to meet everyone's needs and be supportive as best as you can, not focusing on your own needs and babyishly pouting about them.

[b]Obviously on the margins there are some situations that are unhealthy[/b] - one spouse with extremely high needs who just can't compromise, or one spouse completely uninterested. If you've got a sex drive that is truly at one end of the bell curve, you need to realize that and act accordingly rather than blaming your spouse. But in between those extremes, you need to be a responsible adult and work it out.  [/quote]

There is a lot of truth to what you say, but a couple of thoughts:

1) Sex is not just about "getting off." That's a mistake a lot of lower drive spouses seem to make. It's not about the orgasm. Or at least not just about the orgasm. It's about feeling loved and valued. Some people - I'm one of them to some extent - can't believe at a visceral level that their spouse loves and values them if the spouse doesn't want to have sex. My wife can *say* "I love you" - but if she only wants to have sex with me once a month or less, the words are unconvincing.

2) I don't think these unhealthy dynamics are just on the margins. If normal is 1-2x per week (say 6x per month), I'm pretty sure that there are a very large number of marriages where the couple is having sex less than 20% of that and where one spouse is deeply unhappy. There aren't any great answers for these suffering spouses, and society tends to try not to think about it too much. It can be very isolating. [/quote]

And here's what you don't get.  The lower drive spouse can enjoy sex just as much as the higher drive spouse. Just because someone wants sex 1-2x/week vs 4-5x/week does not mean they don't like sex for all sorts of reasons! And conversely if they are pressured into have sex every day, they will lose that enjoyment just as much as you lose enjoyment by having less sex than you want.  It's all about reasonable compromise and being an adult.[/quote]

True. I LOVE cheesecake. But if I had it everyday, at 9 pm I would get sick of it after a while.[/quote]

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