God I hate the ex wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes so he's paying for half. Shouldn't she also be paying for half? 20k x 2 is 40k. 40k x 18 years is $240,000 and meets the average above.

Actually it's quite a bit less than $240,000. And as I said, that is an average, taking into account kids who grew up in Tennesee and on food stamps and such. The average for a NICE childhood is significantly higher, I'm sure. The Washingtonian once estimated the yearly income required for living a nice life and raising kids right in DC to be 2 million a year. Obviously, that is high, but there are different standards for giving your kid a nice life, and also for living in DC. Maybe people should think of the actual CHILDREN and their quality of life instead of getting revenge on the "mean" ex wife. JFC it's so immature I can't even deal...

A I missing something. The average cost to raise one child is approximately 245k. OPs husband is spending less than that in contribution to raise three kids. That 240k number OP cited ( 20*2)(40*18) is for three kids, not one kid. OPs calculation equals the cost contribution for one child. Therefore, he is not paying nearly enough to meet the national average for three kids.

40,000 times 18 is $720,000. Divided by three it is $240,000. So it is $240,000 per kid. But as previously noted, this does not take into account the money both parents spend on their respective mortgages, healthcare, and extras.

Actually, $500 per kid for 18 years is 108,000. A full $12,000 less than half. And of course, this is base level, and doesnt take into account a kid with a nice lifestyle, which the OP seems so intent on convincing us the kids have, which is going to significantly increase costs.

[Anonymous]

Did you read that correction dear? I called you a bitch! Well I certainly hope your husband never physically abuses you or emotionally abuses you or just drastically changes from the person you married. We clearly know your stance on things and we wouldnt want you to violate that or do anything that wouldnt be acceptable in the 1800s, dear. On that note, you should consider giving up your washing machine and other modern conveniences. They seem to really conflict with your mindset!

lol. Wow OP if the ex is like this woman... well best of luck to you. From, the Peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You know, that has to be one of the smallest perks I've heard of. These kids have to deal with the emotional wreckage of divorce, and a teensy benefit they get is that they have iPads and such (like most normal children in the US). You have admitted you are doing well, so why would you even think of causing an issue for the ex wife, who is now functioning as a single mom? I implore you (and I'm sure you will like this option much less than the sycophantic ones) to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would respond if your husband decides one day to leave you, and you will have to raise your child with him on your own? Do you really, genuinely think that $500 a month would be enough? Especially for a teenager, who is going to innately be status conscious and have a lot going on?"

I think if dad is spending 500 per mo on kid and mom is spending 500 per mo on kid, on expenses that do not include her housing, medical expenses, or extra curricular activites, she is probably ok. Also I have given really honest answers the whole time. Also I am not sure why you think the grand plan is to undermine the mom. There's been no talk of amending support, cutting back etc. The whole issue is that I am upset she doesn't pay us what she is legally supposed to. No one is losing their soccer lessons or what have you. To the person who is ENRAGED about the lice shampoo, sorry you misunderstood. The mom bought the Walmart lice shampoo. I took DSD to the salon for the $120 professional treatment. I am upset bc the ex was too cheap to take care of it properly.

And you are bitching over $150? Seriously? That is just MIND BLOWING to me. I'm sure if the mother had paid the $120 and asked to be paid back, which is what you seem to want, you would be raising holy hell over it and complaining about how much you have to pay her. And I'm guessing, if she is anything like the majority of mothers, that these kind of contingencies and unexpected expenses come up ALL THE TIME for her and you dont hear about them. This one just so happened to take place right before you took the kids so she let you deal with it, which seems fairly reasonable to me. Little did she know this would cause an absolutely shitstorm from your side. You act like you are Norma Rae and she is an evil factory owner. YOU are not a victim for paying for a lice treatment. It's called being a parent. Get. Over. It.

No I'm upset about the thousands she owes us for the plane tix we buy 3x per year for three kids for which she is legally obliged to pay half but never does. I'm annoyed she didn't take care of the lice properly but I will concede that point, they are tricky little buggers and hard to get rid of. She went the bottle route, I went the salon route, but I get it that that was my choice, most people would probably go with the bottle. Expenses do come up for her all the time you are right. She texts DH daily about expenses. He probably transfers money into her account every other day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Did you read that correction dear? I called you a bitch! Well I certainly hope your husband never physically abuses you or emotionally abuses you or just drastically changes from the person you married. We clearly know your stance on things and we wouldnt want you to violate that or do anything that wouldnt be acceptable in the 1800s, dear. On that note, you should consider giving up your washing machine and other modern conveniences. They seem to really conflict with your mindset!

lol. Wow OP if the ex is like this woman... well best of luck to you. From, the Peach.

Awww you didnt like that serving of truth tea? Man, so sorry. And remember, just like you can call someone a bitch, others can do the same to you. Have a great day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You know, that has to be one of the smallest perks I've heard of. These kids have to deal with the emotional wreckage of divorce, and a teensy benefit they get is that they have iPads and such (like most normal children in the US). You have admitted you are doing well, so why would you even think of causing an issue for the ex wife, who is now functioning as a single mom? I implore you (and I'm sure you will like this option much less than the sycophantic ones) to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would respond if your husband decides one day to leave you, and you will have to raise your child with him on your own? Do you really, genuinely think that $500 a month would be enough? Especially for a teenager, who is going to innately be status conscious and have a lot going on?"

I think if dad is spending 500 per mo on kid and mom is spending 500 per mo on kid, on expenses that do not include her housing, medical expenses, or extra curricular activites, she is probably ok. Also I have given really honest answers the whole time. Also I am not sure why you think the grand plan is to undermine the mom. There's been no talk of amending support, cutting back etc. The whole issue is that I am upset she doesn't pay us what she is legally supposed to. No one is losing their soccer lessons or what have you. To the person who is ENRAGED about the lice shampoo, sorry you misunderstood. The mom bought the Walmart lice shampoo. I took DSD to the salon for the $120 professional treatment. I am upset bc the ex was too cheap to take care of it properly.

And you are bitching over $150? Seriously? That is just MIND BLOWING to me. I'm sure if the mother had paid the $120 and asked to be paid back, which is what you seem to want, you would be raising holy hell over it and complaining about how much you have to pay her. And I'm guessing, if she is anything like the majority of mothers, that these kind of contingencies and unexpected expenses come up ALL THE TIME for her and you dont hear about them. This one just so happened to take place right before you took the kids so she let you deal with it, which seems fairly reasonable to me. Little did she know this would cause an absolutely shitstorm from your side. You act like you are Norma Rae and she is an evil factory owner. YOU are not a victim for paying for a lice treatment. It's called being a parent. Get. Over. It.

No I'm upset about the thousands she owes us for the plane tix we buy 3x per year for three kids for which she is legally obliged to pay half but never does. I'm annoyed she didn't take care of the lice properly but I will concede that point, they are tricky little buggers and hard to get rid of. She went the bottle route, I went the salon route, but I get it that that was my choice, most people would probably go with the bottle. Expenses do come up for her all the time you are right. She texts DH daily about expenses. He probably transfers money into her account every other day.

I appreciate you having some self awareness about that. I think it's very easy for us, as wives, to not think of what life is like a single mom. I was raised by one, and I know exactly how difficult it was, and the extreme stress she used to go through for asking my father for anything. I truly think, since she is a single earner and you have two earners, and since she has primary custody, that the mature thing is to buy the flights. It's a sacrifice but trust me the kids will really appreciate it. You have no idea what kind of stress arguing between parents puts on kids, it's a nightmare. One of my siblings was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. And all kids are fiercely loyal to their mom, it's just biological. If they see you making her miserable, they WILL resent you and dislike you, I promise you. And kids can work their magic to make your family life with your hubbie a living hell if they so choose. it's one of the perks of being a kid- you know your parents will care if you hate them/ their SO. I dont think you should resent the mom for that- its that same love that will make your own child very protective of you, and that will make your step kids protective of you so long as they think you have treated their mother well. I think you have the opportunity to truly bond with these kids and maybe even build a friendship with the mom. Getting aggressive over plane tickets is just not worth it, and neither is saying you "hate" their mother. That attitude really needs an adjustment. With that being said, I wish you luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You know, that has to be one of the smallest perks I've heard of. These kids have to deal with the emotional wreckage of divorce, and a teensy benefit they get is that they have iPads and such (like most normal children in the US). You have admitted you are doing well, so why would you even think of causing an issue for the ex wife, who is now functioning as a single mom? I implore you (and I'm sure you will like this option much less than the sycophantic ones) to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would respond if your husband decides one day to leave you, and you will have to raise your child with him on your own? Do you really, genuinely think that $500 a month would be enough? Especially for a teenager, who is going to innately be status conscious and have a lot going on?"

I think if dad is spending 500 per mo on kid and mom is spending 500 per mo on kid, on expenses that do not include her housing, medical expenses, or extra curricular activites, she is probably ok. Also I have given really honest answers the whole time. Also I am not sure why you think the grand plan is to undermine the mom. There's been no talk of amending support, cutting back etc. The whole issue is that I am upset she doesn't pay us what she is legally supposed to. No one is losing their soccer lessons or what have you. To the person who is ENRAGED about the lice shampoo, sorry you misunderstood. The mom bought the Walmart lice shampoo. I took DSD to the salon for the $120 professional treatment. I am upset bc the ex was too cheap to take care of it properly.

And you are bitching over $150? Seriously? That is just MIND BLOWING to me. I'm sure if the mother had paid the $120 and asked to be paid back, which is what you seem to want, you would be raising holy hell over it and complaining about how much you have to pay her. And I'm guessing, if she is anything like the majority of mothers, that these kind of contingencies and unexpected expenses come up ALL THE TIME for her and you dont hear about them. This one just so happened to take place right before you took the kids so she let you deal with it, which seems fairly reasonable to me. Little did she know this would cause an absolutely shitstorm from your side. You act like you are Norma Rae and she is an evil factory owner. YOU are not a victim for paying for a lice treatment. It's called being a parent. Get. Over. It.

No I'm upset about the thousands she owes us for the plane tix we buy 3x per year for three kids for which she is legally obliged to pay half but never does. I'm annoyed she didn't take care of the lice properly but I will concede that point, they are tricky little buggers and hard to get rid of. She went the bottle route, I went the salon route, but I get it that that was my choice, most people would probably go with the bottle. Expenses do come up for her all the time you are right. She texts DH daily about expenses. He probably transfers money into her account every other day.

I appreciate you having some self awareness about that. I think it's very easy for us, as wives, to not think of what life is like a single mom. I was raised by one, and I know exactly how difficult it was, and the extreme stress she used to go through for asking my father for anything. I truly think, since she is a single earner and you have two earners, and since she has primary custody, that the mature thing is to buy the flights. It's a sacrifice but trust me the kids will really appreciate it. You have no idea what kind of stress arguing between parents puts on kids, it's a nightmare. One of my siblings was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. And all kids are fiercely loyal to their mom, it's just biological. If they see you making her miserable, they WILL resent you and dislike you, I promise you. And kids can work their magic to make your family life with your hubbie a living hell if they so choose. it's one of the perks of being a kid- you know your parents will care if you hate them/ their SO. I dont think you should resent the mom for that- its that same love that will make your own child very protective of you, and that will make your step kids protective of you so long as they think you have treated their mother well. I think you have the opportunity to truly bond with these kids and maybe even build a friendship with the mom. Getting aggressive over plane tickets is just not worth it, and neither is saying you "hate" their mother. That attitude really needs an adjustment. With that being said, I wish you luck.

Indeed I shouldnt have said I hate her. I actually don't. We get along pretty well in fact. The airfare thing just drives me nuts and I feel so bad for DH when she uses the kids to make him pay for extras. I agree with you on all fronts about arguing in front of kids, hence the anonymous Internet forum. The bio mom is a good mom to her kids. They really lack for nothing. DH is a wonderful dad and despite what some may think, I am a very good stepmother to them. They have a lot of challenges being military kids, plus kids of divorce. So I want to be an enhancement in their lives, which is why I spring for awesome vacations and opened college savings accounts for them and built a relationship between them and my family as well. No one is contemplating dialing back on their activites or not paying for their sports, band, enrichment, dance, whatever. No one is contemplating suing her or asking for custody or anything like that. It was just a post about the fact that I really dislike the money things. But in all honesty there are blended families with so many bigger issues. I hated her in the moment that I posted the thread but I don't really hate her all the time.

[Anonymous]

Op, stop complaining. Tell her to take the requested extras out of the money she owes your husband for plane tickets. Exchange receipts and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"You know, that has to be one of the smallest perks I've heard of. These kids have to deal with the emotional wreckage of divorce, and a teensy benefit they get is that they have iPads and such (like most normal children in the US). You have admitted you are doing well, so why would you even think of causing an issue for the ex wife, who is now functioning as a single mom? I implore you (and I'm sure you will like this option much less than the sycophantic ones) to put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would respond if your husband decides one day to leave you, and you will have to raise your child with him on your own? Do you really, genuinely think that $500 a month would be enough? Especially for a teenager, who is going to innately be status conscious and have a lot going on?"

I think if dad is spending 500 per mo on kid and mom is spending 500 per mo on kid, on expenses that do not include her housing, medical expenses, or extra curricular activites, she is probably ok. Also I have given really honest answers the whole time. Also I am not sure why you think the grand plan is to undermine the mom. There's been no talk of amending support, cutting back etc. The whole issue is that I am upset she doesn't pay us what she is legally supposed to. No one is losing their soccer lessons or what have you. To the person who is ENRAGED about the lice shampoo, sorry you misunderstood. The mom bought the Walmart lice shampoo. I took DSD to the salon for the $120 professional treatment. I am upset bc the ex was too cheap to take care of it properly.

And you are bitching over $150? Seriously? That is just MIND BLOWING to me. I'm sure if the mother had paid the $120 and asked to be paid back, which is what you seem to want, you would be raising holy hell over it and complaining about how much you have to pay her. And I'm guessing, if she is anything like the majority of mothers, that these kind of contingencies and unexpected expenses come up ALL THE TIME for her and you dont hear about them. This one just so happened to take place right before you took the kids so she let you deal with it, which seems fairly reasonable to me. Little did she know this would cause an absolutely shitstorm from your side. You act like you are Norma Rae and she is an evil factory owner. YOU are not a victim for paying for a lice treatment. It's called being a parent. Get. Over. It.

No I'm upset about the thousands she owes us for the plane tix we buy 3x per year for three kids for which she is legally obliged to pay half but never does. I'm annoyed she didn't take care of the lice properly but I will concede that point, they are tricky little buggers and hard to get rid of. She went the bottle route, I went the salon route, but I get it that that was my choice, most people would probably go with the bottle. Expenses do come up for her all the time you are right. She texts DH daily about expenses. He probably transfers money into her account every other day.

I appreciate you having some self awareness about that. I think it's very easy for us, as wives, to not think of what life is like a single mom. I was raised by one, and I know exactly how difficult it was, and the extreme stress she used to go through for asking my father for anything. I truly think, since she is a single earner and you have two earners, and since she has primary custody, that the mature thing is to buy the flights. It's a sacrifice but trust me the kids will really appreciate it. You have no idea what kind of stress arguing between parents puts on kids, it's a nightmare. One of my siblings was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. And all kids are fiercely loyal to their mom, it's just biological. If they see you making her miserable, they WILL resent you and dislike you, I promise you. And kids can work their magic to make your family life with your hubbie a living hell if they so choose. it's one of the perks of being a kid- you know your parents will care if you hate them/ their SO. I dont think you should resent the mom for that- its that same love that will make your own child very protective of you, and that will make your step kids protective of you so long as they think you have treated their mother well. I think you have the opportunity to truly bond with these kids and maybe even build a friendship with the mom. Getting aggressive over plane tickets is just not worth it, and neither is saying you "hate" their mother. That attitude really needs an adjustment. With that being said, I wish you luck.

Indeed I shouldnt have said I hate her. I actually don't. We get along pretty well in fact. The airfare thing just drives me nuts and I feel so bad for DH when she uses the kids to make him pay for extras. I agree with you on all fronts about arguing in front of kids, hence the anonymous Internet forum. The bio mom is a good mom to her kids. They really lack for nothing. DH is a wonderful dad and despite what some may think, I am a very good stepmother to them. They have a lot of challenges being military kids, plus kids of divorce. So I want to be an enhancement in their lives, which is why I spring for awesome vacations and opened college savings accounts for them and built a relationship between them and my family as well. No one is contemplating dialing back on their activites or not paying for their sports, band, enrichment, dance, whatever. No one is contemplating suing her or asking for custody or anything like that. It was just a post about the fact that I really dislike the money things. But in all honesty there are blended families with so many bigger issues. I hated her in the moment that I posted the thread but I don't really hate her all the time.

Thats good to know you dont hate her and recognize that she's a good mom. You do sound like a good stepmom who cares about the kids. Again, I would think about the fact that she probably pays for myriad little expenses for the kids all the time and i would let sleeping dogs lie with the plane tickets. Trust me, the kids are smart and they will be aware of it and grateful for it when they are older. There is nothing like being kind of a kid's mom to endear you to them. I wish you and your husband luck, you sound like you both really care for the children.

[Anonymous]

OP, my ex pays me $500 per month per kid. I would *never* do what your ex is doing. A parent should never try to make the kids feel bad about their dad (or mom). What the mom is saying to them is, "you could have that hairdo if your dad loved you enough to pay for it". Thus planting the seed that "dad doesn't love me". It's a very wrong, very bad thing to do.

I would have dad talk to the kids directly about what he can afford to contribute to extra curriculars beyond CS. Give each child a budget for extras. Want $60 for your hair do? That's three months of your "$20 a month of non-school related costs" or what have you.

Put the kids on a budget for HIS money (non child support/court ordered money that is) and let THEM negotiate how it is spent with mom.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I mean I would never do what *his* ex is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my ex pays me $500 per month per kid. I would *never* do what your ex is doing. A parent should never try to make the kids feel bad about their dad (or mom). What the mom is saying to them is, "you could have that hairdo if your dad loved you enough to pay for it". Thus planting the seed that "dad doesn't love me". It's a very wrong, very bad thing to do.

I would have dad talk to the kids directly about what he can afford to contribute to extra curriculars beyond CS. Give each child a budget for extras. Want $60 for your hair do? That's three months of your "$20 a month of non-school related costs" or what have you.

Put the kids on a budget for HIS money (non child support/court ordered money that is) and let THEM negotiate how it is spent with mom.

Agree with this post. I actually don't think the biological mom is a very good mom if she's making such manipulative comments. What a despicable, hurtful thing to do.

[Anonymous]

All of these sound like run of the mill expenses, and I know plenty of people who pay $1500 per month for just two kids on a 90 k salary. That level of support doesn't go far for 3 kids. Most men in that position wouild not have felt financially secure enough to have another child.

Ringworm is easy to miss, and lice are difficult to treats these days, since the bugs are far more resistant to the standard shasmpoos than they used to be. Both are just the price of having kids.

It's nice that you provide vacations and college accounts, but if you can't really afford it, you can stop. One thing you can do is sit down with the older kids and talk about budgeting, or let them watch you doing the monthly bills.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want you to know that you're not alone. I am in a similar situation and it is tough! Unless someone has been in your shoes, they just won't understand. I stopped talking to many friends about "stepmom issues", because they just didn't get it. I found 1 trustworthly friend that is also a stepmom and we talk to each other. It's such a relief to just have someone to vent to. Unfortunatley, DCUM is not a safe place that you can go to. I suggest finding a good friend or therapist. It's great to have an outlet, so you don't feel so isolated.

Don't let the bio mom and $$ eat away at you. Try your best to nurture the relationship between you and his children. You can be the bigger person and all of the relationships will benefit from it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my ex pays me $500 per month per kid. I would *never* do what your ex is doing. A parent should never try to make the kids feel bad about their dad (or mom). What the mom is saying to them is, "you could have that hairdo if your dad loved you enough to pay for it". Thus planting the seed that "dad doesn't love me". It's a very wrong, very bad thing to do.

I would have dad talk to the kids directly about what he can afford to contribute to extra curriculars beyond CS. Give each child a budget for extras. Want $60 for your hair do? That's three months of your "$20 a month of non-school related costs" or what have you.

Put the kids on a budget for HIS money (non child support/court ordered money that is) and let THEM negotiate how it is spent with mom.

+1!

[Anonymous]

14,13 and 9 mean no daycare fees. I can feed a family of 4 for an easy $700 a month. Considering mom eats too, I'd go $500 for kid food. Say $500 as housing, and how in hell do you spend $500 a month on clothes for kids? Given that mom is supposed to cover half, health insurance is already taken care of, and he pays half of sports----the goal here is not for biomom to have everything paid for.

Maybe, just maybe, the kids need to scale back on crap. They don't need so much shit anyway, it's bad for them.

And sending kids to the other parent without a heads up about lice is a dick move.