H is not happy with sex only once a week

[Anonymous]

So many low sex drive people suggest that sex is a want, not a need.

In that same respect, if you're well provided for (home, food, transpiration, etc.), then any extra money is a want, not a need.

Funny how the WANT of money gets people going, but the WANT of sex is thrown aside.

Low drive people need to just couple with each other. Fucking wastes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not married so I do not know what is the "norm" when it comes to married sex, but what bothers me here is that your husband is basically handling this all the wrong way.

He is giving you an ultimatum, saying he will go looking for sex outside the marriage if you do not have more sex w/him which is in a sense, going against his marital vows to you. It seems like he is manipulating you w/a power trip + this is not going to solve the problem. In fact, it may have the opposite effect on things, it may even make the situation much worse.

What needs to be addressed here is why you are not willing to have more intimate relations w/your spouse. There is something going on w/you deep down, whether it be emotional or physical, I strongly suggest you seek outside assistance to determine just what could be making you feel this way.

Your husband should be patient as well as supportive of you as you try to figure out what exactly is bothering you now.

Instead he is playing mind games w/your emotions and making it all about him.

Perhaps the problem lies within your home. Perhaps it is your husband. Maybe you just do not like him as a person anymore (who could blame you?!) and that is carrying into the bedroom.....

You know, saying that the onus is all on the husband to "be patient as well as supportive" is a little silly, I think. He wants more sex! She doesn't want more sex! They've been together for a decade. How much patience is required?

Perhaps the problem is just differing sex drives. Which can be resolved via him making do with not quite enough sex, her making do with some extra sex, and/or him being given leave to go outside the marriage for some of the sex.

[Anonymous]

I think the lower sex drive person should do more of the compromising. It's harder to be horny and constantly rejected all the time than it is to just be willing to play along sexually for an extra hour or so per week.

[Anonymous]

When my wife initiates, I almost never turn her down, because I know how much that hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.

You're misreading. I've said "compromise" a bunch of times. If you want a compromise, you have to put what you want out there.

Part of the problem with asking for more sex is how it's asked. People who ask for more sex don't say "I want more sex." They say "You never want to have sex with me." and then follow it up with contempt and criticism -- you're rejecting me, you don't love me, you are cold, you hate sex.. They turn the lack of sex into something more fundamental than just lack of sex. They ascribe it to the other partner not loving them or hating sex. None of those things may be true.

It's also when it's asked. They also tend to ask about it or bring it up in the heat of the moment - one partner approaches, the other partner declines, and the first partner starts bitching about it. Now it's a fight, instead of sex.

Breakfast or over a meal is a better time to talk about it. Stick to "I" statements. "I want more sex." "I miss when we had sex every day." "I miss that thing we used to do." "I would like to find a way to have more sex with you." If the low drive person says they can't possibly, you need to listen to their objections and try to help find ways around those objections. Make sure they tell you why they can't and listen, if you're going to negotiate a compromise.

It's not helpful when the lower drive partner says, essentially, "you need to work harder to turn me on."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.

You're misreading. I've said "compromise" a bunch of times. If you want a compromise, you have to put what you want out there.

Part of the problem with asking for more sex is how it's asked. People who ask for more sex don't say "I want more sex." They say "You never want to have sex with me." and then follow it up with contempt and criticism -- you're rejecting me, you don't love me, you are cold, you hate sex.. They turn the lack of sex into something more fundamental than just lack of sex. They ascribe it to the other partner not loving them or hating sex. None of those things may be true.

It's also when it's asked. They also tend to ask about it or bring it up in the heat of the moment - one partner approaches, the other partner declines, and the first partner starts bitching about it. Now it's a fight, instead of sex.

Breakfast or over a meal is a better time to talk about it. Stick to "I" statements. "I want more sex." "I miss when we had sex every day." "I miss that thing we used to do." "I would like to find a way to have more sex with you." If the low drive person says they can't possibly, you need to listen to their objections and try to help find ways around those objections. Make sure they tell you why they can't and listen, if you're going to negotiate a compromise.

You sure seem to think you know everything about what it's like for one spouse to try to tell another spouse about their sexual needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's whining. Other people are not obligated to fulfill your physical and emotional needs.

Turn it around. You are expecting that person to have sex with you, even when they don't feel it and don't enjoy and don't want to. This is a huge imposition and feels emotionally gross. It's an emotional and physical need for that person to have sex less often than you want it. You are demanding that they abandon their physical and emotional needs to fulfill yours. You are bitching about it when they don't. That's super-whiney.

A mismatch couple either has to come to a compromise or divorce. You clearly think your needs trump your partner's needs, so divorce was the only option.

It's a huge imposition to have sex with your spouse? You gotta be a woman, and take it from another woman, this is why high drive partners have affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many low sex drive people suggest that sex is a want, not a need.

In that same respect, if you're well provided for (home, food, transpiration, etc.), then any extra money is a want, not a need.

Funny how the WANT of money gets people going, but the WANT of sex is thrown aside.

Low drive people need to just couple with each other. Fucking wastes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how do we distinguish "communicating about inadequate sex frequency" from "whining"? The tone of the earlier posts about "whining" suggests that pretty much all communication on the issue will be regarded as "whining" (and, in fact, I got the impression that the PP didn't regard sex as a need in any real sense.) But, tone can be kind of tricky online, so maybe I'm misreading.

You're misreading. I've said "compromise" a bunch of times. If you want a compromise, you have to put what you want out there.

Part of the problem with asking for more sex is how it's asked. People who ask for more sex don't say "I want more sex." They say "You never want to have sex with me." and then follow it up with contempt and criticism -- you're rejecting me, you don't love me, you are cold, you hate sex.. They turn the lack of sex into something more fundamental than just lack of sex. They ascribe it to the other partner not loving them or hating sex. None of those things may be true.

It's also when it's asked. They also tend to ask about it or bring it up in the heat of the moment - one partner approaches, the other partner declines, and the first partner starts bitching about it. Now it's a fight, instead of sex.

Breakfast or over a meal is a better time to talk about it. Stick to "I" statements. "I want more sex." "I miss when we had sex every day." "I miss that thing we used to do." "I would like to find a way to have more sex with you." If the low drive person says they can't possibly, you need to listen to their objections and try to help find ways around those objections. Make sure they tell you why they can't and listen, if you're going to negotiate a compromise.

It's not helpful when the lower drive partner says, essentially, "you need to work harder to turn me on."

+1000

Yes. The low drive person who says this is absolving him or herself of responsibilty to keep a reasonable sex life going, which is wrong. It's a huge turn off when the person that you committed your life to constantly rejects you and says that you need to " seduce" them. ITS A TWO WAY STREET.

[Anonymous]

You could also consider that the low drive partners are whining... The answer is "I don't wanna!" Followed by a humph and a stomp with their left foot. And then to "wanna", they attach all kinds of strings and conditions before they will agree to a compromise. Because they don't feel like it, and hey, the other partner should just accept that because it's their body.

As far as romance and sex, they should be mutually exclusive hints. Why should a man have to romance his partner in order to get her to sleep with him? I'm sure the same folks would argue that every romantic move shouldn't have the string of the expectation of sex tied to it.. So then why should it go the other way? Why does sex always have to have the expectations of romance tied to it. Isn't it blackmail both ways if it's a requirement?

[Anonymous]

Some of you ladies are taking advantage of the marriage vows and the potential for alimony that you know you'll end up with if he dumps you for someone who appreciates his affections. You know that it's gonna cost him to leave, so you demand to be treated like a kept princess if he wants sex, even though you have not resembled anything close to princess-like since Bill Clinton was in still office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you ladies are taking advantage of the marriage vows and the potential for alimony that you know you'll end up with if he dumps you for someone who appreciates his affections. You know that it's gonna cost him to leave, so you demand to be treated like a kept princess if he wants sex, even though you have not resembled anything close to princess-like since Bill Clinton was in still office.

Haha. If ever.

"Why won't my size 13-wide foot for into the 'Cinderella shoe'?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you ladies are taking advantage of the marriage vows and the potential for alimony that you know you'll end up with if he dumps you for someone who appreciates his affections. You know that it's gonna cost him to leave, so you demand to be treated like a kept princess if he wants sex, even though you have not resembled anything close to princess-like since Bill Clinton was in still office.

Haha. If ever.

"Why won't my size 13-wide foot fit into the 'Cinderella shoe'?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you ladies are taking advantage of the marriage vows and the potential for alimony that you know you'll end up with if he dumps you for someone who appreciates his affections. You know that it's gonna cost him to leave, so you demand to be treated like a kept princess if he wants sex, even though you have not resembled anything close to princess-like since Bill Clinton was in still office.

Some (half?) of the high drive posters are women.

Your head is in your ass if you think it's an issue exclusive to men.

[Anonymous]

liamw wrote:I don't think he was saying it was exclusive to men, but I have yet to see a man post that he feels unloved and emotionally neglected and that he plans to stick around until his kids are grown and then take her for all she is worth. I have however seen a post like that from a woman.

That's the point I hope he was trying to make any way other wise yeah I hope he is wearing a mask.

You saw that post on this thread?