My heart breaks for my kids because I didn't give them a great dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

Sorry, but you have martyr written all over you. Showing up your husband makes you feel better about coming to the rescue to fix problems that you've likely created. My guess is that your DH will figure this out and dump you, and that he'll develop a great relationship with his kids when you're not peering over his shoulder 24/7 to tell him what he's doing wrong. You are seriously fucked up.

[Anonymous]

Is he unemployed? I was just wondering. Because if he sleeps in, and is depressed, it would cause him to yell. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

This situation is exactly like us. I don't know what to do either. I've point blank told my husband that he should spend more time engaging with the kids. But he can't be bothered. Either on his computer or taking a nap. When he does engage it's 5-10 minutes tops of rough housing. Kids love it but then he switches off again.

Sorry to hear that. Sounds just like us. Hugs and strength to you.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. My DH does all the things yours doesn't exept one. He plays with the kids, goes to every single function that he can, tucks them in and reads to them. However...we haven't had sex in almost a year. So I find myself wishing for something a little different. I know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are some CRAZIES out there tonight! If I were you, I'd be pissed and heartbroken as well. Maybe you need to be more direct with him, ie "Hey Joe, I need you to help out tomorrow am in fixing Matt's tie, he needs your guidance". For the Pinewood Derby, you tell him that he's on notice to be the one to take his son to the store to buy it and make it the fastest, most awesome, and winningnest car out there. If he keeps up with his modus operandi, you tell him that therapy is in order and you tell him that plans are ultimately on the horizon to cut the cord if he doesn't turn his life around.

He does sound depressed, what's going on in his life that's causing him to be so detached? What's his role model family history?

You've been patient and seem to be a great mom, hang in there. You need to be there for your kids and make sacrifices where needed, even if that means taking them out of the current environment. Good luck to you, you have my well-wishes.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for the OP. My husband is the dead opposite..head coach of multie sports, thr whole 9 yards. We have a neighbor boy whose dad sounds the sam as the OPs DH and many others described here. This boy CLINGS to my DH. Its sad. My husband taught this kid how to ride a bike. It is painful to watch this boy idolize my husband when it should be his dad who he looks up to. Heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are some CRAZIES out there tonight! If I were you, I'd be pissed and heartbroken as well. Maybe you need to be more direct with him, ie "Hey Joe, I need you to help out tomorrow am in fixing Matt's tie, he needs your guidance". For the Pinewood Derby, you tell him that he's on notice to be the one to take his son to the store to buy it and make it the fastest, most awesome, and winningnest car out there. If he keeps up with his modus operandi, you tell him that therapy is in order and you tell him that plans are ultimately on the horizon to cut the cord if he doesn't turn his life around.

He does sound depressed, what's going on in his life that's causing him to be so detached? What's his role model family history?

You've been patient and seem to be a great mom, hang in there. You need to be there for your kids and make sacrifices where needed, even if that means taking them out of the current environment. Good luck to you, you have my well-wishes.

You may think she is a great mom, but I seriously doubt that she is a great wife. And that is probably where this whole issue starts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are some CRAZIES out there tonight! If I were you, I'd be pissed and heartbroken as well. Maybe you need to be more direct with him, ie "Hey Joe, I need you to help out tomorrow am in fixing Matt's tie, he needs your guidance". For the Pinewood Derby, you tell him that he's on notice to be the one to take his son to the store to buy it and make it the fastest, most awesome, and winningnest car out there. If he keeps up with his modus operandi, you tell him that therapy is in order and you tell him that plans are ultimately on the horizon to cut the cord if he doesn't turn his life around.

He does sound depressed, what's going on in his life that's causing him to be so detached? What's his role model family history?

You've been patient and seem to be a great mom, hang in there. You need to be there for your kids and make sacrifices where needed, even if that means taking them out of the current environment. Good luck to you, you have my well-wishes.

You may think she is a great mom, but I seriously doubt that she is a great wife. And that is probably where this whole issue starts.

And I'm sure you're able to withstand rocks being thrown in your own glass house. Show me a perfect wide, PP. I'm sure your house would crumble with the slightest crack. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

^^wife

[Anonymous]

Your husband can't tie a tie? What? You must have known that level of ineptitude while dating. Equivalent of female not knowing how to use a pad or tampon. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, that would have been hurtful for me to experience too. Pregnancy hormones or not, special day or not, why the freak is he sleeping in (on a school day) while you are up getting 2 kids off to school! Ignore these fools.

How is labor distributed in your home?

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the ones with a disengaged partner, and he had a crazy, abusive, and ultimately absent father. He himself is always depressed, in spite of taking meds. He adores the kids, but doesn't know how to father, and never feels up to it. (Pregnancy was due to birth control failure. I did not intend to have kids with him.) And the kids realized it was pointless to ask anything of him very early, certainly by the age of seven.

I don't know what the case is with you, OP, if it's this dire, but if it is, you will always have that ache inside that you failed the kids, and you will always be making up for the lack of fathering. It's a long and tiring road.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I could see my husband acting like this about the show and tie assistance you described. But there are things that he likes to do with DS (e.g., he will go out of his way to take him to the park, a bounce house, sports practice, occasionally a museum). He doesn't play with DS much at home (they mostly watch TV), and does not fake enthusiasm well for things that DS is interested in that he isn't interested in himself. But there are a number of things that he enjoys doing with DS, that he will willingly go out of his way to do. I don't think he's a bad dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the ones with a disengaged partner, and he had a crazy, abusive, and ultimately absent father. He himself is always depressed, in spite of taking meds. He adores the kids, but doesn't know how to father, and never feels up to it. (Pregnancy was due to birth control failure. I did not intend to have kids with him.) And the kids realized it was pointless to ask anything of him very early, certainly by the age of seven.

I don't know what the case is with you, OP, if it's this dire, but if it is, you will always have that ache inside that you failed the kids, and you will always be making up for the lack of fathering. It's a long and tiring road.

That she chose to exacerbate by adding another child to the mix....