My heart breaks for my kids because I didn't give them a great dad

[Anonymous]

OP if this is a larger pattern of behavior, then yes, it is wrong. But no one has the energy to be "on" for their kids 100 percent of the time and everyone has grumpy moments. Only you know your husband well enough to say if this is evidence that he is a normal, imperfect human, or part of a pattern of not caring.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure where the hate is coming from. Maybe it is just my house, but when you have young kids 6:30 is pretty normal and 7:30 would be bliss... Also, as a parent you have to go with the flow sometimes when your kids are super excited about something that is important to them. I don't think it would of killed him to miss an hour sleep to show some support for his son. Teaching your son to tie a tie is a classic father-son moment and those moments a few and far between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure where the hate is coming from. Maybe it is just my house, but when you have young kids 6:30 is pretty normal and 7:30 would be bliss... Also, as a parent you have to go with the flow sometimes when your kids are super excited about something that is important to them. I don't think it would of killed him to miss an hour sleep to show some support for his son. Teaching your son to tie a tie is a classic father-son moment and those moments a few and far between.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today is my kids Christmas show at school. They are 5 and 7. They woke up at 6, so excited. The 7 year old has a special part, that he earned for improving his sometimes troubled behavior. He is very proud. My 7 year old son couldn't wait to put on his jacket and first big kid real tie. They got all dressed, and then at 6:30 he nudged dad in bed to help him tie it. Dad yelled and said it was too early to get up. Son was so sad. I reassured him daddy would help him as soon as he got up. Around 7:30 I found DS in the office. He had googled how to tie a tie and was watching a you tube video, trying so hard to get it tied. I think my heart broke in a million pieces seeing him. I helped him and we got it done.
Obviously, this is just one example in my life of a husband who can't be bothered. And I am 8 months pregnant. I just feel so sad for them.

Was your DH still in bed at 7:30?

Yes. Which isn't unusual. I just thought today he would get up for DS.
I realize there are some pregnant hormones at work. I realize I sound like a crazy person to some of you. (But big thanks to those who understand where I am coming from. Made me feel better)
I just wish I married the dad who coaches the baseball team. Or the dad who is excited to show his son how to tie a tie. Or the dad who wants to be the den leader. Or the dad who wants to throw a ball in the yard.
But I didn't. And there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I have tried to encourage these kinds of things. I hadn't worked, and has just created resentment.
I disagree, though, that it was a mistake to have another. My kids will always have each other. And I think that they are lucky for that.

OP, I am a NP and am so sorry for the cruel spirit of some other posters. My gut feeling is that some unhappy males have taken over and want to punish you for things other women have done to them.

I totally get where you are coming from-- my DH was raised with an absent father, and he doesn't display emotion well to the kids. He is also a go-getter in all other aspects of his life, yet lazy as a parent. I totally understand your frustration and wish my kids' dad was more cheerful and involved in parenting, and I hope you find a friend who "gets it." I also think that once the pregnancy hormones go away, you will be better able to deal with your DH being inept.

My advice is to reach out to your girlfriends about your feelings, because you won't find empathy with your DH or on these message boards. I'm sure you have a friend in a similar situation, but you don't know it yet. The Scout Leader DH is extremely rare. Most of us have selfish DH who don't understand our childrens' emotions. Sorry guys, it's the truth. Guys, if you are the exception to the rule, please excuse me and power on.

You need xanax and a man -- I would bet the farm that most of the previous posters (ME INCLUDED) are women who recognize overreaction when they read it. Everyone has imperfect parenting moments -- everyone has been caught on just the wrong morning when you were sleeping so hard -- you reacted and probably don't even remember what you said. If this man is not beating, berating, or being absent most of the time -- LET IT THE FUCK GO!

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with you people??? Think about it from the CHILD's perspective. Why is it more important that Dad is not a "morning person" or that 6:30am is "too early" than showing support and excitement for your son? You give up the right to be totally selfish when you have kids. Period.

And don't forget, Dad yelled. How is that okay? There are far worse things to yell at a child about than being woken up at a time most people are up anyway for work, school, etc.

OP said that this is one example of how her DH is disengaged. I don't think she is overreacting at all. My only hope is that OP is addressing these issues with her DH so that DH can have a good relationship with the kids, because children do not forget these things.

I came from a household where my parents couldn't be bothered, and while I know they love me, to this day we are not close. Getting the little things right, like OP's example, is what nurtures the emotional closeness between parent and child.

[Anonymous]

Oh with the hysteria people. The kid will get over it. The one day when Dad wasn't fucking Mary Sunshine won't screw up the kid for life and if it does, well then the kid would have been screwed up regardless.

Parents are not perfect. Mine certainly weren't, but you know what, I didn't blame them for everything that's wrong with my life. I realize that they are people too and they did the best they could while raising me. They had good intentions, always, just not the best at executing those good intentions, and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is wrong with you people??? Think about it from the CHILD's perspective. Why is it more important that Dad is not a "morning person" or that 6:30am is "too early" than showing support and excitement for your son? You give up the right to be totally selfish when you have kids. Period.

And don't forget, Dad yelled. How is that okay? There are far worse things to yell at a child about than being woken up at a time most people are up anyway for work, school, etc.

OP said that this is one example of how her DH is disengaged. I don't think she is overreacting at all. My only hope is that OP is addressing these issues with her DH so that DH can have a good relationship with the kids, because children do not forget these things.

I came from a household where my parents couldn't be bothered, and while I know they love me, to this day we are not close. Getting the little things right, like OP's example, is what nurtures the emotional closeness between parent and child.

Fuck the kids. Its all about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that your kid even went to his dad for help with the tie means there's still hope for your husband. My kids act like their dad doesn't exist, even though he's in the same room with us, because he is THAT disengaged. He always ignores them and refuses any request. He never does anything with them. I have never been able to leave them home with him because he'll make himself food but won't think to feed them at mealtimes.

Or that the Dad is so neglectful that the poor kid seeks affirmation from Dad at any opportunity. Boys don't run from fathers at that age; they sadly keep running to them in the vain hope for some love, protection and support. The separation of father and son seems much later in life...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is wrong with you people??? Think about it from the CHILD's perspective. Why is it more important that Dad is not a "morning person" or that 6:30am is "too early" than showing support and excitement for your son? You give up the right to be totally selfish when you have kids. Period.

And don't forget, Dad yelled. How is that okay? There are far worse things to yell at a child about than being woken up at a time most people are up anyway for work, school, etc.

OP said that this is one example of how her DH is disengaged. I don't think she is overreacting at all. My only hope is that OP is addressing these issues with her DH so that DH can have a good relationship with the kids, because children do not forget these things.

I came from a household where my parents couldn't be bothered, and while I know they love me, to this day we are not close. Getting the little things right, like OP's example, is what nurtures the emotional closeness between parent and child.

THANK YOU! OP's story is my childhood revisited. All you critics of OP can blow me.

[Anonymous]

NP here. It helps when I give my DH some warning about how important xxyy is to the children, then he knows to be on his game. It's not fair to not warn him and then get mad when he doesn't play along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. It helps when I give my DH some warning about how important xxyy is to the children, then he knows to be on his game. It's not fair to not warn him and then get mad when he doesn't play along.

Is your DH a clueless idiot? He's not aware of what is and is not important to his kids and needs his mother. ..er..I mean wife twll him?

GODDAMN ya'lls babies daddies suck. Where do u find these losers?

[Anonymous]

How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

This situation is exactly like us. I don't know what to do either. I've point blank told my husband that he should spend more time engaging with the kids. But he can't be bothered. Either on his computer or taking a nap. When he does engage it's 5-10 minutes tops of rough housing. Kids love it but then he switches off again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

So why did you get pregnant again? Honest question...was it planned? I mean you already have two so the whole "so the siblings will have each other" is kind of a stupid argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How should I address the issues with DH? Nothing I am doing is working.
Tonight I took the kids to a light show. DH stayed home. Tomorrow we have a kids daytime party with friends and neighbors. I don't think DH will come. Staying home is even worse - he definitely will not play a game or build Legos.
Many things I can cover - but there are things I can't. I am already strategizing about how I might get DH to help DS with the Pinewood Derby car. It's not that I can't do it - I am sure I can figure it out - it's that my son notices it is a father -son thing and already notices I am one of the very few moms at cub scouts. (My husband has gone twice but complained incessantly before, during and after so I just started going myself.)
I have begged, cajoled, tried to be matter of fact , tried to be forceful, sentimental, everything.
I can leave, of course, and hope to find them a better dad but really is that going to happen?
I have three kids (almost) - I really doubt I will have many suitors.
I am a full time WOHM, but my job is quite flexible and I telework frequently. So I am at all school events and I am always home before 5. I know my kids feel love and enthusiasm from me - it's just alot of pressure to feel like I always have to compensate for him.

I think... you should quit compensating for him. It is what it is. You will have to deal with your son's disappointment, but he is going to be disappointed by his father anyway, so why work yourself to the bone doing double parental roles?

Make alternate plans. Go out for the day on a Saturday and let him deal with your son. Make a deal where DH has to take him take him to Scouts from now on. Who cares if he complains about it? IGNORE him like he is ignoring his role as a father... like he is ignoring his son.