My heart breaks for my kids because I didn't give them a great dad

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom who has an ex who wouldn't care one bit if he never saw or heard from his son again. He never visits, calls and sends gifts. I am the one who takes my son to visit his dad. He has another younger child who he is absolutely in love with. He totally spoils her. When I read your subject, I thought you were going to post something like my situation. I also am wondering why you are having another child with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today is my kids Christmas show at school. They are 5 and 7. They woke up at 6, so excited. The 7 year old has a special part, that he earned for improving his sometimes troubled behavior. He is very proud. My 7 year old son couldn't wait to put on his jacket and first big kid real tie. They got all dressed, and then at 6:30 he nudged dad in bed to help him tie it. Dad yelled and said it was too early to get up. Son was so sad. I reassured him daddy would help him as soon as he got up. Around 7:30 I found DS in the office. He had googled how to tie a tie and was watching a you tube video, trying so hard to get it tied. I think my heart broke in a million pieces seeing him. I helped him and we got it done.
Obviously, this is just one example in my life of a husband who can't be bothered. And I am 8 months pregnant. I just feel so sad for them.

Was your DH still in bed at 7:30?

Yes. Which isn't unusual. I just thought today he would get up for DS.
I realize there are some pregnant hormones at work. I realize I sound like a crazy person to some of you. (But big thanks to those who understand where I am coming from. Made me feel better)
I just wish I married the dad who coaches the baseball team. Or the dad who is excited to show his son how to tie a tie. Or the dad who wants to be the den leader. Or the dad who wants to throw a ball in the yard.
But I didn't. And there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I have tried to encourage these kinds of things. I hadn't worked, and has just created resentment.
I disagree, though, that it was a mistake to have another. My kids will always have each other. And I think that they are lucky for that.

OP, I am a NP and am so sorry for the cruel spirit of some other posters. My gut feeling is that some unhappy males have taken over and want to punish you for things other women have done to them.

I totally get where you are coming from-- my DH was raised with an absent father, and he doesn't display emotion well to the kids. He is also a go-getter in all other aspects of his life, yet lazy as a parent. I totally understand your frustration and wish my kids' dad was more cheerful and involved in parenting, and I hope you find a friend who "gets it." I also think that once the pregnancy hormones go away, you will be better able to deal with your DH being inept.

My advice is to reach out to your girlfriends about your feelings, because you won't find empathy with your DH or on these message boards. I'm sure you have a friend in a similar situation, but you don't know it yet. The Scout Leader DH is extremely rare. Most of us have selfish DH who don't understand our childrens' emotions. Sorry guys, it's the truth. Guys, if you are the exception to the rule, please excuse me and power on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry people are being such jerks. I can see why this broke your heart. I am sure it is one example of many where you watched your kids feel badly because their dad ignored them or ruined their excitement. Sending you hugs.

+1

[Anonymous]

So today your kid learned:
a) not to be rude and wake up someone at 6.30am
b) to take the initiative and learn how to do something on his own.

I bet OP is a sanctimonious morning person.

Dad should not have yelled though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry people are being such jerks. I can see why this broke your heart. I am sure it is one example of many where you watched your kids feel badly because their dad ignored them or ruined their excitement. Sending you hugs.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So today your kid learned:
a) not to be rude and wake up someone at 6.30am
b) to take the initiative and learn how to do something on his own.

I bet OP is a sanctimonious morning person.

Dad should not have yelled though

Or
C) dad doesn't give a shit about me.
D) dad is too lazy to get his fat ass up out of bed and help his heavily pregnant wife get the kids ready for school.

[Anonymous]

My kids have a fantastic father. But you better believe he doesn't like being woken up early. No way, no how. If it were an emergency and one of them were crying or had a real problem, he'd be the first to dash out of bed. But something like this? Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So today your kid learned:
a) not to be rude and wake up someone at 6.30am
b) to take the initiative and learn how to do something on his own.

I bet OP is a sanctimonious morning person.

Dad should not have yelled though

Or
C) dad doesn't give a shit about me.
D) dad is too lazy to get his fat ass up out of bed and help his heavily pregnant wife get the kids ready for school.

I'm going to vote "D."

OP, I understand why you feel the way you do. If this were any other morning, Dad might get a pass. But this was the morning of a special occasion for your son. These types of examples -- while some PPs dismiss as ridiculously overblown and inconsequential -- add up and become the "norm" over time, does not bode well for your kids. Your post doesn't scream DS is in danger of being emotionally traumatized for life, but sounds like Dad could use a lesson or two on thoughtful parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So today your kid learned:
a) not to be rude and wake up someone at 6.30am
b) to take the initiative and learn how to do something on his own.

I bet OP is a sanctimonious morning person.

Dad should not have yelled though

Or
C) dad doesn't give a shit about me.
D) dad is too lazy to get his fat ass up out of bed and help his heavily pregnant wife get the kids ready for school.

I'm going to vote "D."

OP, I understand why you feel the way you do. If this were any other morning, Dad might get a pass. But this was the morning of a special occasion for your son. These types of examples -- while some PPs dismiss as ridiculously overblown and inconsequential -- add up and become the "norm" over time, does not bode well for your kids. Your post doesn't scream DS is in danger of being emotionally traumatized for life, but sounds like Dad could use a lesson or two on thoughtful parenting.

I don't know- I felt like even with the little bit she wrote, there were some pretty serious symptoms. Working from the assumption, as PP is, that OP gave an example rather than a single occurance, the reaction of her son is pretty telling. I guess I feel like the kid is probably already in pretty deep water...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today is my kids Christmas show at school. They are 5 and 7. They woke up at 6, so excited. The 7 year old has a special part, that he earned for improving his sometimes troubled behavior. He is very proud. My 7 year old son couldn't wait to put on his jacket and first big kid real tie. They got all dressed, and then at 6:30 he nudged dad in bed to help him tie it. Dad yelled and said it was too early to get up. Son was so sad. I reassured him daddy would help him as soon as he got up. Around 7:30 I found DS in the office. He had googled how to tie a tie and was watching a you tube video, trying so hard to get it tied. I think my heart broke in a million pieces seeing him. I helped him and we got it done.
Obviously, this is just one example in my life of a husband who can't be bothered. And I am 8 months pregnant. I just feel so sad for them.

Was your DH still in bed at 7:30?

Yes. Which isn't unusual. I just thought today he would get up for DS.
I realize there are some pregnant hormones at work. I realize I sound like a crazy person to some of you. (But big thanks to those who understand where I am coming from. Made me feel better)
I just wish I married the dad who coaches the baseball team. Or the dad who is excited to show his son how to tie a tie. Or the dad who wants to be the den leader. Or the dad who wants to throw a ball in the yard.
But I didn't. And there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I have tried to encourage these kinds of things. I hadn't worked, and has just created resentment.
I disagree, though, that it was a mistake to have another. My kids will always have each other. And I think that they are lucky for that.

OP, I am a NP and am so sorry for the cruel spirit of some other posters. My gut feeling is that some unhappy males have taken over and want to punish you for things other women have done to them.

I totally get where you are coming from-- my DH was raised with an absent father, and he doesn't display emotion well to the kids. He is also a go-getter in all other aspects of his life, yet lazy as a parent. I totally understand your frustration and wish my kids' dad was more cheerful and involved in parenting, and I hope you find a friend who "gets it." I also think that once the pregnancy hormones go away, you will be better able to deal with your DH being inept.

My advice is to reach out to your girlfriends about your feelings, because you won't find empathy with your DH or on these message boards. I'm sure you have a friend in a similar situation, but you don't know it yet. The Scout Leader DH is extremely rare. Most of us have selfish DH who don't understand our childrens' emotions. Sorry guys, it's the truth. Guys, if you are the exception to the rule, please excuse me and power on.

Why did you continue to reproduce with this guy?

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that your kid even went to his dad for help with the tie means there's still hope for your husband. My kids act like their dad doesn't exist, even though he's in the same room with us, because he is THAT disengaged. He always ignores them and refuses any request. He never does anything with them. I have never been able to leave them home with him because he'll make himself food but won't think to feed them at mealtimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the fact that your kid even went to his dad for help with the tie means there's still hope for your husband. My kids act like their dad doesn't exist, even though he's in the same room with us, because he is THAT disengaged. He always ignores them and refuses any request. He never does anything with them. I have never been able to leave them home with him because he'll make himself food but won't think to feed them at mealtimes.

Why did you continue to reproduce with this guy?

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry him? Did you see these traits and ignore them, thinking you could change him? I'm a firm believer in the notion that people show us who they are right away. Whether we choose to believe them is another thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry people are being such jerks. I can see why this broke your heart. I am sure it is one example of many where you watched your kids feel badly because their dad ignored them or ruined their excitement. Sending you hugs.

+1

+2

+3 hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So today your kid learned:
a) not to be rude and wake up someone at 6.30am
b) to take the initiative and learn how to do something on his own.

I bet OP is a sanctimonious morning person.

Dad should not have yelled though

Or
C) dad doesn't give a shit about me.
D) dad is too lazy to get his fat ass up out of bed and help his heavily pregnant wife get the kids ready for school.

I'm going to vote "D."

OP, I understand why you feel the way you do. If this were any other morning, Dad might get a pass. But this was the morning of a special occasion for your son. These types of examples -- while some PPs dismiss as ridiculously overblown and inconsequential -- add up and become the "norm" over time, does not bode well for your kids. Your post doesn't scream DS is in danger of being emotionally traumatized for life, but sounds like Dad could use a lesson or two on thoughtful parenting.

I vote for "F" these women who keep popping out babies from loser guys and then their "heart breaks".