How much money would your spouse/significant other have to make in order for you to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Furthermore I wish mothers had more confidence. You don't need 12 degrees to enrich the life of your child. No one cares more about your childs development than you. Women need to stop giving away so much power and have more confidence in their abilities. You have the ability to create great experiences for your child- whether or not you use daycare is irrelevant. You have the ability to teach your child and facilitate many things."

Who pays for this "confidence" and "power"?

Do explain what you mean. My question would be who pays for the lack of confidence and loss of power?

[Anonymous]

Given our current lifestyle with two kids in private, DH would have to make at least $500k a year for me to feel comfortable quitting my job. Even then, I still think I'd work given that I make over $100k, work at home and have flexible hours and both my kids are school aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so interesting that so many people's definition of independence is solely based on financial independence. That earning a salary is what makes one independent or not and that those without a salary are not valued members of society.

I know people that have not had a salary due to going back to grad school and their spouses supported them. Others who have worked in charitable organizations where their financial support came form donations and not from a salary. Others who haven't had a salary because they are SAHP. I don't think of any of those people as not being independent adults. To me independence is about so much more than money.

Financial independence for women has LOOONGGG been about personal freedom. Up until the 60s'-early 70s women in America stayed in crappy marriages and put up with abuse because they had no way out. Having a means to an income and a means to leave (if ever it was warranted) is liberating. My mother is in a very, very happy marriage with my dad...going on 50 years soon!..they always have taught all kids to always have some form of income (even if work life is interrupted with sah yrs, etc). I think it is priceless information. I also have seen firsthand several sahms that got the sh*t stick when their husbands left--had to move out of family home, sell car, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am the second paycheck--not the primary and I am amazed at how many women would SAH if they only made my salary. I am not a big spender and I cannot fathom it.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to do what makes you happy in life. I applaud anyone who is content in their life and happy in their marriage, whether they work or not. Each family is different. What may appear to be a "perfect" family could be tearing at the seams inside closed doors. I think too many people in this area worry about what strangers think of them as oppose to their own husband and kids. It is just a really weird area. No one seems to ever be content and always wants more. It is kinda sad if you think about it. If you were given 6 months to live, would you still care about 90% of what you think is "important" right now?

Yup, the moms who have to have Lexus SUV's, LV handbags, full time nannies and complain they can't afford to stay home. Their lifestyles are over the top, unnecessary and completely spent on trying to impress others. They are also the same moms that look at their iPhones or chat with another mom instead of watching their kids games/activities. Fake mommy's that put material items in front of their child's needs.

[Anonymous]

"If you were given 6 months to live, would you still care about 90% of what you think is "important" right now?"

Would your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a particularly poignant question for me. I quit work almost 3 years ago to SAH. My husband makes $300k minimum but can earn more than double that in a good year. We had 1 child in private school (plus a 3 year old and a 1 year old) but we have a lot saved up for their education so that was not really an issue. I used to earn just under $200k.
I loved staying home, but what I really did not expect was how much the dynamics of our relationship would change. My husband suddenly became very controlling. From being a decent earner myself and quite independent, he made me feel like I was just another drain on “his” resources. After almost 15 years of marriage I saw a side to him I had never seen before – angry and controlling and taking every opportunity to belittle me. There was a great deal of tension and the kids started to sense it. My oldest would worry and fret whenever we had to replace something she had outgrown – will daddy be angry? Don’t worry mommy, I’ll just use these for a little longer (even though I could see they were way too tight/small). I watched every penny and became very anxious and stressed. Yet my husband would freely spend money on lavish dinners out. He was even considering buying a sports car (though he never did). I became more and more resentful and no longer felt like his equal. I was suffering, my kids were suffering. It became an untenable situation.
Fortunately, my employers took me back on a higher salary than when I left – someone in my team recently left. I started last week. I have arranged a flexed schedule – starting early so that I can pick the kids up from school. I do feel a sense of sadness that I am not home anymore and the flexibility that afforded me to be with my kids whenever I wanted to. I worry about the summer which was the best time for us spending time together but I will never again give up my income.
Now I just have to deal with my marriage – I feel a lot of resentment towards my husband.
P.S. I know most husbands are not like mine - he is a special breed – so I am not tarring them all with the same brush. This has just been my experience.

You need to go to councelng. If you have the means to stay home and want to and he is power tripping but still spending like crazy, you have major issues in your marriage. Honestly, a councelor would do you both good and get to the root of your problems.

[Anonymous]

I work to spend money on me, so what? I like top brands, designer clothes, nice cars and I want to live in a safe affluent neighborhood. I never wanted to stay home and sit around in sweat pants all day. Yuck! Sorry but that IS childcare any way you slice it. I need that break, I would go crazy being around my kids 24/7. It sounds wrong but I am not wired that way. I love them but I love the independence more.

[Anonymous]

DH made 90K and I stayed home until our second child started parochial school. I still only work part time. We make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, from a purely financial viewpoint, at least $600,000. However, I could never look at it as purely financial. I love and trust my husband but I can not put that much faith in anyone other than myself. I need to know that I can always take care fo myself if it came down to it. I also hate the thought of wasting all those years in school (law degree). I would also be bored, intellectually, no matter what projects or volunteer work I took on.

Bottom line, to me, having a job means more than financial compensation. I would say to all of the SAHM out there, if your DH is making this kind of money, make sure you asre putting away enough every month to equal a savings account/401K for yourself were anything to happen to DH. I would not agree to SAH without such an account. I would also find some way top remain marketable if, god forbid, you ever need top go back to work.

I live in house inside that beltway with two kids, crushing debt and my wife stays at home, although I earn less than $100k and we have piddling retirement savings. I guess she really trusts me or something.

I did not say "I dont trust my DH" what I said was I cannot put that much faith in anyone other than myself. Your spouse could die, be in a severly debilitating accident, be sued, who knows, there are so many horrible things that could happen to any of us. I need to know I would be okay and fully able to take care of my children and myself were our lives to take a bad turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work to spend money on me, so what? I like top brands, designer clothes, nice cars and I want to live in a safe affluent neighborhood. I never wanted to stay home and sit around in sweat pants all day. Yuck! Sorry but that IS childcare any way you slice it. I need that break, I would go crazy being around my kids 24/7. It sounds wrong but I am not wired that way. I love them but I love the independence more.

Are you serious? It is NOT childcare if it is your own kids, it is being a mom. I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no amount of money for which I'd be willing to give up my independence.

Token feminist answer, I know, but somebody had to do it.

This. Also playing into my answer is the fact that I grew up poor, although by the time I graduated high school we probably qualified as lower middle class. I have a sib who has made some bad choices (and who also probably doesn't have a great work ethic) and this sib always seems about a step away from homelessness. Since I've seen what financial devastation can do - no, I lived it as a kid - I will not give up working.

DH and I have a great marriage, and I can't imagine we would ever divorce, but you never know when disability, death, etc will strike.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read through all the responses - but one red flag, OP, is the fact that your DH's job is so stressful. Would being the primary breadwinner make him feel even more pressured, or locked into his job? DH and I both work, and one nice thing about having salaries that are about the same is that we can afford to take some risks, job-wise. My salary is about the same as yours and I am confident that we could live on my salary for some time if, for example, my DH took an opportunity at a startup and it went belly-up.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM (now) but went back to work last year as DH lost his job - was unemployed for ONE YEAR. Ladies, we went from $280K to $60K and guess what, WE MADE IT WORK. Don't get me wrong, it was tough as shit, but it was amazing how much money we "saved" by just staying the hell home and not buying stuff we just didnt really and truly need. Now, $60K is impossible for a family of 4 to live on anywhere in the country for an extended period of time -and we did wrack up $30K in credit card debt (never, ever, ever, ever carried debt in our 15 yrs of marriage. hate it, makes me uncomfortable) but my point is that many of you could live on one paycheck if you really needed to. it's all a matter of priorities. DH is now employed again and making the same money. we are working like hell to get rid of all of our debt.

And I am a SAHM again. We have young children that need me to be home. That's more important than a big, fancy house, private school (both of which we've had/done in the past), new clothes every week/month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM (now) but went back to work last year as DH lost his job - was unemployed for ONE YEAR. Ladies, we went from $280K to $60K and guess what, WE MADE IT WORK. Don't get me wrong, it was tough as shit, but it was amazing how much money we "saved" by just staying the hell home and not buying stuff we just didnt really and truly need. Now, $60K is impossible for a family of 4 to live on anywhere in the country for an extended period of time -and we did wrack up $30K in credit card debt (never, ever, ever, ever carried debt in our 15 yrs of marriage. hate it, makes me uncomfortable) but my point is that many of you could live on one paycheck if you really needed to. it's all a matter of priorities. DH is now employed again and making the same money. we are working like hell to get rid of all of our debt.

And I am a SAHM again. We have young children that need me to be home. That's more important than a big, fancy house, private school (both of which we've had/done in the past), new clothes every week/month.

Really?