How much money would your spouse/significant other have to make in order for you to stay home?

[Anonymous]

This is a particularly poignant question for me. I quit work almost 3 years ago to SAH. My husband makes $300k minimum but can earn more than double that in a good year. We had 1 child in private school (plus a 3 year old and a 1 year old) but we have a lot saved up for their education so that was not really an issue. I used to earn just under $200k.
I loved staying home, but what I really did not expect was how much the dynamics of our relationship would change. My husband suddenly became very controlling. From being a decent earner myself and quite independent, he made me feel like I was just another drain on “his” resources. After almost 15 years of marriage I saw a side to him I had never seen before – angry and controlling and taking every opportunity to belittle me. There was a great deal of tension and the kids started to sense it. My oldest would worry and fret whenever we had to replace something she had outgrown – will daddy be angry? Don’t worry mommy, I’ll just use these for a little longer (even though I could see they were way too tight/small). I watched every penny and became very anxious and stressed. Yet my husband would freely spend money on lavish dinners out. He was even considering buying a sports car (though he never did). I became more and more resentful and no longer felt like his equal. I was suffering, my kids were suffering. It became an untenable situation.
Fortunately, my employers took me back on a higher salary than when I left – someone in my team recently left. I started last week. I have arranged a flexed schedule – starting early so that I can pick the kids up from school. I do feel a sense of sadness that I am not home anymore and the flexibility that afforded me to be with my kids whenever I wanted to. I worry about the summer which was the best time for us spending time together but I will never again give up my income.
Now I just have to deal with my marriage – I feel a lot of resentment towards my husband.
P.S. I know most husbands are not like mine - he is a special breed – so I am not tarring them all with the same brush. This has just been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no amount of money for which I'd be willing to give up my independence.

Token feminist answer, I know, but somebody had to do it.

Me too. I actually could afford to quit now but won't.

I love my job and like earning a paycheck. No desire to quit at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never have kids and then give them to someone else to raise when they are 3 months old unless I HAD to. And if I valued independence then a job is the last thing I would have. You know I might actually try to be independent as opposed to dependent on a job and someone else to raise my kids.

Do you plan to homeschool and shelter your children from the world forever? At what age will they be allowed to venture out of your warm, protective bosom? 18? 30?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very much different than a lot of the moms posting here. I feel that one parent staying at home and raising your kids is something you strive for. Having to have a job and handing them off to daycare or nanny should only be if you have to. But I know this area is very much about power and financial gain/equality, so I realize I am the minority and that is okay. Many of my friends work and say they could never "just stay home." I tried working and said I can't imagine that I have to keep leaving her everyday. I gave up a $110K job that I loved but I just wasn't feeling it after I had my first born. Had to travel and was away for her first Halloween, pumping in a hotel room and thought "this sucks!" So we figured some things out over the course of 4 months, gave up some luxuries we didn't really need and are both really happy. I have been a SAHM for 7 years now and we did not see a power shift in our relationship. We are actually much less stressed, barely fight and have a closer relationship. I do not have any childcare help, no housekeeper, nothing. I clean our 4bdrm house, cook meals, shop, errands, pay the bills, volunteer at all 3 of my kids schools, coach lacrosse and lead Girl Scouts. My daughter received financial aid to go to a great private school too. It may seem lame to many moms and that is fine. But not all marriages have to have equal financial power and not all families have to have the best of the best. Many outside of the major metro areas in our country do.

Anyway back to the numbers. My husband makes 200K now but was probably only making 150K when I started SAH. This is what we cut out besides the obvious daycare:

Eating out sometimes 4x a week (over a $1000/month)
Bought a 2yr old minivan instead of 3yr leases on a luxury SUV (savings of $800+/month)
No more dry cleaners (saved $100+/month)
Slashed grocery bills more than half ($300+/month)
Cancelled Country Club ($1200/month)
Decreased cable bill by ($120/month)
Cut out many designer bags, shoes, clothes ($300+/month)
No more daily Starbucks or lunches out (saved about $100/week)
Spa days scaled down to 2 pedicures a month at a nail salon ($200/month)

Most of the stuff above was luxuries I truly did not need nor do I miss. We still do date nights 2x a month (MIL watches kids) and we do go away on vacations but I find the best deals before I commit. Otherwise we are lame by most people's standards and do family board game nights, hiking, biking, local sports games that are free, movies at home instead of theaters etc...

I think you have to do what makes you happy in life. I applaud anyone who is content in their life and happy in their marriage, whether they work or not. Each family is different. What may appear to be a "perfect" family could be tearing at the seams inside closed doors. I think too many people in this area worry about what strangers think of them as oppose to their own husband and kids. It is just a really weird area. No one seems to ever be content and always wants more. It is kinda sad if you think about it. If you were given 6 months to live, would you still care about 90% of what you think is "important" right now?

Anyway, if you truly want to stay home, you should try to live off of his salary for at least 6 months and put 100% of your paycheck into a rainy day account. If you still aren't sure, go down part time. I did that for one year before quitting completely. I still dabble in my profession by volunteering and I do the accounting for my husband's business to keep me on my toes.

Good luck with your decision.

A lot judgement here. I can't stand the "if you were on your deathbed" scenario. Actually, my job provides value and I enjoy it and I would not regret having it if I was dying. Fine if that's how you think but you sound really superior, as if you are the wise sage thinking ahead and all of us schlumps are just living day by day on a power hungry money binge.

[Anonymous]

My DH makes about 750K right now and it consistently goes up every year. When he made a lot less I never thought that I would give up my paycheck, but once he started making enough that we never really thought about money and it became clear that his travel and work schedule would continue to be crazy, I left FT work. I still work a lot, publishing regularly in my old field, giving presentations at conferences, teaching a class here and there as the opportunity arises. I like my work and I need the intellectual stimulation. What is liberating is that I don't have to worry about getting paid for everything I write or keeping a full-time schedule by teaching classes that are inconvenient or uninteresting just to get a paycheck. This is its own kind of independence and I am still in a position so that if I want to ramp up my career I have current credentials.

[Anonymous]

My spouse makes $200,000, which is enough that I could SAH if I wanted to, but I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never have kids and then give them to someone else to raise when they are 3 months old unless I HAD to. And if I valued independence then a job is the last thing I would have. You know I might actually try to be independent as opposed to dependent on a job and someone else to raise my kids.

I'd rather be dependent on a job than on a man. I used daycare from the time both my kids were 3 months old. They are teens now, no worse for the wear. I'm still married and still employed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:150k, no debt, emergency savings, reasonable mortgage and potential for huge salary growth

Each of us individually make more than 150 K, and we have no debt, including no mortgage, and good emergency savings, yet we both continue to work. Our kids are almost grown and our jobs take no more than 45 hours a week. I'm not even 50 yet! What would I do if I SAH now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:holy hell - really? you're comparing yourself to those sahm's in other areas when your sacrifices included no longer leasing luxury vehicles and cutting out $300 in designer bags, etc?

Your message has some merit, but your story just isn't relatable to a HUGE portion of people even in this area.

Not to mention the $1200/month country club. Jesus, lady, you're deranged.

[Anonymous]

No amount would make me quit. I would definitely drop down to part time though if my spouse made as much as we made when we were both in Big Law. Don't miss the lifestyle but do miss the $$$!

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you all need the money? Geez, I work and have thought about leaving as I am very unhappy but my husband makes $170,000 a year and thought we were well off. What do you all do with over $300,000 a year? Honestly, what do you spend it on? I would stay home in a heartbeat or at least work part time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you all need the money? Geez, I work and have thought about leaving as I am very unhappy but my husband makes $170,000 a year and thought we were well off. What do you all do with over $300,000 a year? Honestly, what do you spend it on? I would stay home in a heartbeat or at least work part time

Well, half of it goes right off the top to taxes, health insurance and 401(k). Then there's $1100 a month in student loans, plus mortgage, daycare, car payments and insurance, food, utilities.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you all need the money? Geez, I work and have thought about leaving as I am very unhappy but my husband makes $170,000 a year and thought we were well off. What do you all do with over $300,000 a year? Honestly, what do you spend it on? I would stay home in a heartbeat or at least work part time

Totally agree. I would stay home in a heart beat as well, but unfortunately, in our situation this question would be the other way around, as I make almost 3x as much as my husband. Where are all the female breadwinners on here??

[Anonymous]

Well, from a purely financial viewpoint, at least $600,000. However, I could never look at it as purely financial. I love and trust my husband but I can not put that much faith in anyone other than myself. I need to know that I can always take care fo myself if it came down to it. I also hate the thought of wasting all those years in school (law degree). I would also be bored, intellectually, no matter what projects or volunteer work I took on.

Bottom line, to me, having a job means more than financial compensation. I would say to all of the SAHM out there, if your DH is making this kind of money, make sure you asre putting away enough every month to equal a savings account/401K for yourself were anything to happen to DH. I would not agree to SAH without such an account. I would also find some way top remain marketable if, god forbid, you ever need top go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, from a purely financial viewpoint, at least $600,000. However, I could never look at it as purely financial. I love and trust my husband but I can not put that much faith in anyone other than myself. I need to know that I can always take care fo myself if it came down to it. I also hate the thought of wasting all those years in school (law degree). I would also be bored, intellectually, no matter what projects or volunteer work I took on.

Bottom line, to me, having a job means more than financial compensation. I would say to all of the SAHM out there, if your DH is making this kind of money, make sure you asre putting away enough every month to equal a savings account/401K for yourself were anything to happen to DH. I would not agree to SAH without such an account. I would also find some way top remain marketable if, god forbid, you ever need top go back to work.

I live in house inside that beltway with two kids, crushing debt and my wife stays at home, although I earn less than $100k and we have piddling retirement savings. I guess she really trusts me or something.