9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Surely OP's DD has friends she can hang with for the day. She's nine years old not nine days old. Not a childcare situation!

[Anonymous]

Often there are receptions after the service, for which the hosts need a head count. So yes, DD could attend the service but should absolutely not attend the reception. How awkward would that be?

I am so tired of GUESTS only thinking about themselves when it comes to wedding and now Bar Mitvahs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

This is how Bar/Bat Mitzvahs work. Please explain this to your husband. It's cultural relativity. Also, think about it. If they invited all their son's friends' siblings, then what? It's hard to invite some and not all. You are not putting yourself in their shoes! These events cost a small fortune. Please let it slide, say nothing! If DH doesn't go, because he's miffed or is staying with DD, don't explain way.

If that is the case, do them a favor. The whole family should decline. If your not close enough after 7+ years of being neighbors for them to invite your daughter than you're just not that close. Spare them the expense. They have actual friends they would rather spend their money on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. But to say that OP should feel offended or should tell the host that DD is offended and ask for an invitation for her is completely out of line and truly a slap in the face for what was truly an invitation of honor. It's a cultural thing that OP is missing and taking as a slight. Very unfortunate. This is a learning experience. So sad that people automatically look for the bad instead of the good...

This is OP, I am not looking for the bad, nor am I out of line. I was asking as this TOTALLY different from what I would do. We are Greek. To invite 3/4 of a family is, in our culture, a slap in the face. It is an insult and if you were to do this, the family receiving the invitation would assume that the uninvited person must have done something HORRIBLE to you, otherwise, they would not be left out. Moreover, it would likely mean your relationship with that family wouldn't be the same from that point forward. Family is family, we invite children, even young ones, to weddings and baptisms. I did not realize that Bar Mitzvah's are only for 13 year old children and a handful of adults. So that's why I asked. At the older son's baptism there were a lot of neighbors there (the parents have no nieces, nephews or cousins). I assumed the only reason DD was not invited to the older kids party was because of her age, because that is what I was told. Now that she is older, I assumed (when my neighbor was sharing her planning and talking about it) that our whole family would be invited. Now that I know its only for 13 year olds, I understand why she was not invited. I will likely take DS and DH will stay home with DD. She will be sad, yes... she has been involved with helping the neighbor's son with his project which is another reason I thought she would be included. Its not a huge deal - now that I understand.

There are no cultural "rules" about who should be invited to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in Reform or Conservative families. None. (Although in Syrian Jewish families, for example, the entire community is invited - hundreds of people will come to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah). Your neighbors made a decision about who to have and it seems as though they decided not to include your daughter. Personally, I invited entire families of people with whom we were close friends. I erred on the side of inviting entire families in exactly the situation the OP is in - it would be so awkward to invite everybody but one member of the family! Some of the time I assumed the 'extra' kid wouldn't come, but I would have been happy to have them. However, I also believe that the host of these kinds of events are entitled to invite whoever they want since they are paying for it. So - yes - I would have been offended if everybody in my family except my youngest child wasn't invited to my close friends' celebration and I totally understand the OP's bewilderment about the situation.

There's a difference between a religious rule and a cultural norm. I've been to probably 50+ of these events in my life and I think that's enough experience to say that what OP's neighbor has done is very common and very accepted among reform and conservative American Jews. Not universal, no, but certainly the most common way, particularly when the party is an evening event. It is not personal to this child and any offense OP might feel is misplaced. If she doesn't want to participate for any reason that's her prerogative, but what would really be rude is putting her neighbor on the spot about it. And if they really live NEXT DOOR OP and her DH might want to think twice about whether this is really worth causing a stink over. Nobody needs problems with their neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is NO ONE listening to the Jewish people on this thread?

Customs don't trump rudeness .

But it's not rude if it's the accepted norm in the culture/religion of this ceremony. This isn't a birthday party--it's a very very important religious ritual to specifically observe a child changing into an adult. If you're offended it's because you can't look outside your own ideas of how YOUR culture does things. But that's ridiculous. You'd probably be offended if a Muslim came over during Ramadan and turned up his nose at the lovely food you offered. This is a religious occasion and I bet a zillion dollars that none of the "offended" PPs are Jewish.

If you and/or your DH want to decline the invitation, go right ahead. Nobody is saying you have to go. But it would be very ignorant to nurse a grudge over this.

Actually, posters are saying that if OPs entire family doesnt go, THEY will be causing a rift in the relationship. I think that's bull. If anyone caused the rift, it's the neighbors by inviting all but one family member. And no one should dictate what's offensive to someone else. If OPs DH feels slighted, he has every right to.

I for one thinks it's nice to see a father sticking up for his daughter. I don't think the OP should hold a grudge or even change the way she feels or treats the neighbors, but she has every right to respond that she and her son (or maybe even just her son) will attend and represent the family, but explain that THEIR family culture and norms precludes them from all going and excluding one kid. Just like they should respect the neighbor's culture, the neighbors should repeat theirs and to et their panties in a bunch that the DH (and possibly OP) declined the invite.

[Anonymous]

OP, our culture is similar in that kids and whole families are invited to events or no one in the family at all. I twas absolutely rude of your neighbor to exclude one member of the family. I would have understood if it was an adults only function, but obviously it isn't.

Your plan to go and have dh stay with dd is a good one. Your dh has no obligation to go if he doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

And this is EXACTLY why people from one culture decide not to invite people cultures to special events. Instead of feeling honored, included, and eager to learn, they're too busy finding ways to be offended and looking for ways to bash things that aren't like they're own culture. Pathetic and sad. Stop being offended and angry and thank them for the gracious invitation. Then accept or decline any way you want but try to be kind about it and take it in the spirit it was intended. BTW, I'm not Jewish.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Sorry for all of the typos.

[Anonymous]

Its a BM. It's not mean for 9 yo girls. Let Dh stay home with dd and u can take ds. Don't make this more than it is. It's really not a big deal that dd wasn't invited. I'm sure she's a delightful young lady and this was not intended to isolate/ slight her for any other reason than the fact that it's not appropriate for her to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, our culture is similar in that kids and whole families are invited to events or no one in the family at all. I twas absolutely rude of your neighbor to exclude one member of the family. I would have understood if it was an adults only function, but obviously it isn't.

Your plan to go and have dh stay with dd is a good one. Your dh has no obligation to go if he doesn't want to.

You are so missing the point-- it IS an adults-only function! Just in a culture/religion that defines "adult" differently than yours might. I am shocked by how little slack people on here are willing to cut these neighbors for doing things in a way that is accepted in their cultural group. I really thought the women on here are usually a bit more sophisticated about these things but I guess who knows.

Even if you think it is rude, that is not a good reason to be rude back. If you decide not to go, OP, don't be passive aggressive and say well DH has to watch the 9-year-old so no. The kid is 9 for goodness sake, that's an obvious dig about her not being invited. It's not about "standing up for your child," because nobody did anything personal to your child. Just very graciously say you are sad to miss it but you've already made plans you can't break. No harm no foul.

[Anonymous]

I am Jewish. Have been to probably 40+ of these in my life. This is totally normal and acceptable. I have one older sister. I remember when she was 13, she and my folks went to several Bar and Bat Mitsvahs where I wasn't invited. I wasn't upset or hurt probably because my family didn't get offended or make a stink of it. Then it happened the other way around when my friends turned 13.

Lighted up. Go and have fun. Do something special with your daughter the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is 9 for goodness sake, that's an obvious dig about her not being invited.

No, it's a pragmatic explanation. It is not the cultural norm to leave a 9YO at home alone for hours. Someone needs to be with her. A parent is a logical choice.

[Anonymous]

We attended 2 separate Bat Mitzvahs for the same family with our young daughter and another couple and their young daughter (5 & 7 at the time). We are all friends of the parents of the Bat Mitzvahed girls. We are not Jewish. We all attended the ceremony and dinner, including the 2 young girls.

We were honored to be invited and enjoyed it but had our 2 daughters not had each other to pal around with, I don't think the girls would have enjoyed it as the vast majority of the kids were much older (and it was a long day).

[Anonymous]

This thread is really like children at weddings debate, which is always divisive. Please OP just bite the bullet and drop it. Yes 8:34 attended with her daughter. But some hosts only invite the Bar Mitvah boy's friend and parents. (Also 8:34 raises a good point, would your daughter enjoy this long ceremony?)

Again, what if there are 10 or 20 or 30 siblings the host would have to invite if she started inviting siblings? If the luncheon oe dinner reception costs $25 or even more a head, well, do that math.

In my experience, siblings did not attend Bar/Bat Mitvahs. Cousins but not siblings.

I also note that the Jewish posters here suggest this is common.

Can folks be respectful of that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bar mitzvah receptions are REALLY expensive. So the bar mizvah boy may have friends from school, camp, hebrew school, cousins, neighborhood, soccer, etc. it may have been too many people to fit in the location or to stay in budget.

Send your son with a gift. Be gracious. Break the bad news to your DD. Sorry.

Bar Mitzvahs and weddings are as expensive as people allow them to be. Expenses are completely within your control.

Yup. I am planning one now. It is a religious event that traditionally would be open to all comers.

It would never cross my mind to exclude my next door neighbors, even though their children are at an inconvenient age.