9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?

[Anonymous]

DD is NOT a part of the mix. They have a 20 yr old and a 13 yr old. Your oldest is the age of their youngest. I'm sorry you and your DD are hurt, but DD will in 3 to 4 years get invited to tons of bat mizvahs that her older brother won't be invited to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, appreciate the advice. I was just surprised because we are more than "hey, how's it going?" neighbors. The boys are together most weekends, the kid practically lives at my house when the pool is open. He's smaller than DS so I give them all of DS nicer stuff, we house sit and pet sit for each other, we have keys to each other's houses, give each other rides, I supported both boy's Bar Mitzvah projects, support the kid's school fundraisers, etc. I just assumed that DD was part of the mix. I guess I'll leave her home with DH, he'll refuse to go without her anyway.

You answered your own question. The boys are friends. Unless they have a daughter that your daughter is friends with, I see no reason why you would think your daughter would be invited.

Your husband is also being ridiculous. If the kid has been a part of your lives, your husband should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is also being ridiculous. If the kid has been a part of your lives, your husband should go.

It sounds as though the OP's husband had helped keep the kid entertained and clothed. I don't see how that obligates him to spend time away from his daughter if he'd rather not. Do you really think the neighbor's son is going to care that his friend's father didn't come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, appreciate the advice. I was just surprised because we are more than "hey, how's it going?" neighbors. The boys are together most weekends, the kid practically lives at my house when the pool is open. He's smaller than DS so I give them all of DS nicer stuff, we house sit and pet sit for each other, we have keys to each other's houses, give each other rides, I supported both boy's Bar Mitzvah projects, support the kid's school fundraisers, etc. I just assumed that DD was part of the mix. I guess I'll leave her home with DH, he'll refuse to go without her anyway.[/quote]

What a wuss. Why on earth would he care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.

We did this for my son's BM. We invited many neighbors and not their kids. If we invited every neighbor's kid, it would have been an extra 30 kids. At $100 a pop, I wasn't going to spend an extra $3,000 on kids that my son wasn't friends with and had no interest in having there. It was his day and the friends that he wanted there were the only ones invited except for his cousin's. So even if there is another 9 year old that may be a close family friend or cousin. When our son's friends had their's, our younger DC wasn't invited either. We never took at as "poor form"or an insult" That's what the kid and the parents wanted.

Not every parent was invited either. Only the ones we were good friends with and knew my son well.

It is not just a birthday party but a very special celebration that each family decides how they want to celebrate. A backyard barbecue is one thing, a catered very expensive event is something else entirely.

Nobody is suggesting that every neighbor's kid be invited, and I think everyone appreciates that it's a special event. The question is whether one should exclude a single family member IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is also being ridiculous. If the kid has been a part of your lives, your husband should go.

It sounds as though the OP's husband had helped keep the kid entertained and clothed. I don't see how that obligates him to spend time away from his daughter if he'd rather not. Do you really think the neighbor's son is going to care that his friend's father didn't come?

The parents will care and not really understand. It's not like he is being asked to go away and spend days away from his daughter. It is a 2-3 hour service and a four hour party. Make a playdate/sleepover for the daughter. everyone will be happy. You are making a huge case out of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.

Those other 9 year old girls might be FAMILY or from longterm childhood friends of the family. There are 2 relationships: son and adult friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.

We did this for my son's BM. We invited many neighbors and not their kids. If we invited every neighbor's kid, it would have been an extra 30 kids. At $100 a pop, I wasn't going to spend an extra $3,000 on kids that my son wasn't friends with and had no interest in having there. It was his day and the friends that he wanted there were the only ones invited except for his cousin's. So even if there is another 9 year old that may be a close family friend or cousin. When our son's friends had their's, our younger DC wasn't invited either. We never took at as "poor form"or an insult" That's what the kid and the parents wanted.

Not every parent was invited either. Only the ones we were good friends with and knew my son well.

It is not just a birthday party but a very special celebration that each family decides how they want to celebrate. A backyard barbecue is one thing, a catered very expensive event is something else entirely.

Nobody is suggesting that every neighbor's kid be invited, and I think everyone appreciates that it's a special event. The question is whether one should exclude a single family member IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

What circumstances? Aren't people close with a neighbor and only one of your kids are friends with their kids? The OP admitted that only her son is friends with the kid. Not really understanding what the big deal is. They may look at that they are close with other neighbor's and decided only to invite friends of the BM boy.

OP and her husband need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's poor form to invite a whole family except one child. It's just.... unkind. However if you like these people, I would take my son and leave my husband home with my daughter as others suggested.

But if you get there and there are other 9 YO girls in attendance? I'd be pissed. Probably wouldn't get over that.

We did this for my son's BM. We invited many neighbors and not their kids. If we invited every neighbor's kid, it would have been an extra 30 kids. At $100 a pop, I wasn't going to spend an extra $3,000 on kids that my son wasn't friends with and had no interest in having there. It was his day and the friends that he wanted there were the only ones invited except for his cousin's. So even if there is another 9 year old that may be a close family friend or cousin. When our son's friends had their's, our younger DC wasn't invited either. We never took at as "poor form"or an insult" That's what the kid and the parents wanted.

Not every parent was invited either. Only the ones we were good friends with and knew my son well.

It is not just a birthday party but a very special celebration that each family decides how they want to celebrate. A backyard barbecue is one thing, a catered very expensive event is something else entirely.

Nobody is suggesting that every neighbor's kid be invited, and I think everyone appreciates that it's a special event. The question is whether one should exclude a single family member IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Yes they should exclude a single family member and I'm sure would be excluding other non-friend people. Who in the other family is the DD friendly with? OP and her DH were invited as neighbors not friends of the kid.

[Anonymous]

Ok I am one for not inviting kids to weddings and all but this is fucked up.

You do NOT invite an entire family and leave one child out. OP your neighbor is cheap and being an asshole. How would they feel if they all got invited to something and one of their children was left out.

The proper thing to do would have been to invite your DS only. What assholes.

[Anonymous]

You and your son go to the neighbors. Buy your daughter a new dress and have dad take her out to tea or dinner or something special.

I would be put off too if everyone but one member was invited, but just roll with it. Make it a special day for dd too.

[Anonymous]

It is completely poor form for the OP and her husband to tell their daughter that everyone in the family is going to a party except you.

It may be the norm on invites, but for those pps that are telling OP's DH to grow up or not be a wuss are cold-hearted. If you had 3 or 4 kids and only one of the kids and the parents were invited, that would be different - it's not complete EXCLUSION. How can you people condone an "all but one" environment in your families?

I think the best solution is that one parent goes with the son and the other parent stay with the daughter. If the neighbors have an issue with it, they are just cold. You can explain that since DD was the only one in the family not invited, you didn't feel it appropriate to have everyone in the family except her come celebrate with the neighbors.

I want to emphasize that if there were more than one kid in the family not invited it would be a whole other issue and I'd agree with everyone saying the parents should go. But because ALL BUT ONE familiy member was invited, it feels so "mean girls" and exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The parents will care and not really understand. It's not like he is being asked to go away and spend days away from his daughter. It is a 2-3 hour service and a four hour party. Make a playdate/sleepover for the daughter. everyone will be happy. You are making a huge case out of nothing.

I'm not making a huge deal of it. The neighbors aren't worried about the daughter's feelings, the father isn't worried about whether the neighbors think he is paying enough attention to their son. Everyone is living their own lives, making the accommodations they feel are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think that the neighbor just used the previous Bar Mitzvah invite list and forgot to change it to include your DD? I also think that neighbors fall into a different catagory then school friends and that the whole family should be invite. But I always tend to be overinclusive!

I had the same thought.
OP, maybe you can "suss" it out by saying that one of the parents and DS are definitely going, and the other parent will also be attending if you can get a playdate lined up for DD for that day/time. That way if it's an oversight, the neighbor can say something and remedy the situation, and if it's not an oversight, the neighbor can remain silent.

[Anonymous]

pp here again. If it's the norm, why did the neighbors go out of their way to explain why DD wasn't invited as a 2 year old? was the DS invited for the older kid?

also

We did this for my son's BM. We invited many neighbors and not their kids. If we invited every neighbor's kid, it would have been an extra 30 kids. At $100 a pop, I wasn't going to spend an extra $3,000 on kids that my son wasn't friends with and had no interest in having there.

this is completely different. If you invited the neighbors and excluded all their kids - that's different than inviting all the kids but one.