Reply to 9yo DD left off invitation WWYD?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes. But to say that OP should feel offended or should tell the host that DD is offended and ask for an invitation for her is completely out of line and truly a slap in the face for what was truly an invitation of honor. It's a cultural thing that OP is missing and taking as a slight. Very unfortunate. This is a learning experience. So sad that people automatically look for the bad instead of the good...  [/quote]
This is OP, I am not looking for the bad, nor am I out of line. I was asking as this TOTALLY different from what I would do. We are Greek. To invite 3/4 of a family is, in our culture, a slap in the face. It is an insult and if you were to do this, the family receiving the invitation would assume that the uninvited person must have done something HORRIBLE to you, otherwise, they would not be left out. Moreover, it would likely mean your relationship with that family wouldn't be the same from that point forward. Family is family, we invite children, even young ones, to weddings and baptisms.  I did not realize that Bar Mitzvah's are only for 13 year old children and a handful of adults. So that's why I asked. At the older son's baptism there were a lot of neighbors there (the parents have no nieces, nephews or cousins). I assumed the only reason DD was not invited to the older kids party was because of her age, because that is what I was told. Now that she is older, I assumed (when my neighbor was sharing her planning and talking about it) that our whole family would be invited. Now that I know its only for 13 year olds, I understand why she was not invited. I will likely take DS and DH will stay home with DD.  She will be sad, yes... she has been involved with helping the neighbor's son with his project which is another reason I thought she would be included. Its not a huge deal - now that I understand.[/quote]

There are no cultural "rules" about who should be invited to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah in Reform or Conservative families. None. (Although in Syrian Jewish families, for example, the entire community is invited - hundreds of people will come to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah).  Your neighbors made a decision about who to have and it seems as though they decided not to include your daughter. Personally, I invited entire families of people with whom we were close friends. I erred on the side of inviting entire families in exactly the situation the OP is in - it would be so awkward to invite everybody but one member of the family! Some of the time I assumed the 'extra' kid wouldn't come, but I would have been happy to have them. However, I also believe that the host of these kinds of events are entitled to invite whoever they want since they are paying for it. So - yes - I would have been offended if everybody in my family except my youngest child wasn't invited to my close friends' celebration and I totally understand the OP's bewilderment about the situation. [/quote]

There's a difference between a religious rule and a cultural norm. I've been to probably 50+ of these events in my life and I think that's enough experience to say that what OP's neighbor has done is very common and very accepted among reform and conservative American Jews. Not universal, no, but certainly the most common way, particularly when the party is an evening event.  It is not personal to this child and any offense OP might feel is misplaced. If she doesn't want to participate for any reason that's her prerogative, but what would really be rude is putting her neighbor on the spot about it. And if they really live NEXT DOOR OP and her DH might want to think twice about whether this is really worth causing a stink over.  Nobody needs problems with their neighbors. [/quote]

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