Do you take your teen's smart phone at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its so weird to me that all these posters consider those of us who give our kids electronics and let them have it in their rooms are doing it because we have no backbone, no ability to say no, we are "giving in"...like we really, really want to say no deep inside, but we say yes anyway.

personally I have 3 teenagers, all of whom have every electronic under the sun. Early on in their iPhone texting days, they were stupid and stayed up late texting and they were exhausted at school the next day, and at sports practice that night. They learned pretty darn fast.

I don't care what electronics they have as long as they follow the basic rules we outline about them in our house. I don't care whether they are in their rooms at night. (Geez I mean when I was a teenager we spent all our time in our rooms, too...on our land lines, talking on party lines and 3-way calls. Its hardly like we were hanging with the 'rents playing monopoly in the family room as teenagers. They are teenagers...they don't want to hang with us. And I don't care...as long as they come to dinner, come out on family trips and vacations, do well at school, stay active physically, and are healthy and happy. They are growing independent people...and I have zero desire to micro-manage them!

+1. I see no need to step in and make rules unless my kids show that they cannot handle their own responsibilities. DD13 can have her phone with her and use it whenever she wants as long as her use of it does not start interfering with her other obligations. This is my approach to almost everything, not just electronics or bedtimes. I'm raising future adults and I want them to have as much practice as they are able to handle with making and owning their own decisions while I am still able to provide a safety net in case one of their choices is actually bad enough to need someone else to step in.

This makes sense, but it sounds like OP's son *is* letting his use of smartphone interfere with his other obligations. If he is staying up until past midnight using his phone, then this is interfering with his sleep and that starts a cascade of effects -- on his mood, ability to concentrate at school, etc. So, unlike with your daughter, who has been using her technology responsibly, OP needs to do something to intervene.

OP, the two general camps in this thread seem to be either: a) no, take away his devices after 9 pm, or b) he needs to learn responsibility and self-regulation. I think you need to take a middle route: Sit down with your son and explain to him that clearly this is not working out and talk with him about why staying up late on his phone is not a good idea - it deprives him up sleep, sleep is important at this age, interferes with his schoolwork, etc. He's old enough to participate in this discussion. Then ask him what *he* thinks should be a solution. Offer your own ideas about how to curb his use -- you can throw out the idea of "Ok, everyone (not just your son, everyone) checks in their devices at 10 pm." But talk about it with him. And then your family can implement this plan. It's not cracking down in a draconian way on his smartphone use nor is it leaving him totally to his own devices (no pun intended) - it's working *with* him to address the issue so that he feels invested and wants it to work as well.

Here is a good article about parenting and devices:
http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/technology/safety-family/internet-safety

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There shouldn't be any internet, TV, non-landline phone in a teen's room. When will parents stand up to their kids?

Maybe for your kids that's true. Plenty of teens have these and it's not an issue. Maybe a 13 year old needs those restrictions but if you are restricting a 17 year old from his or her iPhone at night I'd say that's a little odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these anti-technology posts are so weird to me, but to each his own!

My DD's phone is her lifeline, her administrative center of operations, and her primary means of communication with me during most of the day and evening. It's so strange to me that parents would demand that teenagers check their phones in downstairs at night!

My DD does her homework independently, gets good grades and has a life without my micromanaging her phone use! Like another poster said, I don't care what electronics she uses as long as she follows the basic rules that have been have established, including rules about online safety.

I don't care whether her phone is in her room at night, in her backpack, or on the dining room table under a stack of school books. Half the time, she doesn't bother to pull it out of her backpack until she realizes that she needs to charge it. It is her responsibility to keep track of it. She has learned what happens if it is lost or damaged via carelessness. In 10+ years, I have replaced her phone only once for one of these reasons.

She is not obsessed with texting, boys (or girls), plays 3 seasons of sports, plus travel, is deeply involved with extra-curricular activities, has several close friends with whom she socializes, is generally respectful, obedient (for a teen), and well-rounded. She is silly, loves to hang out with family, enjoys putting together puzzles at the beach, loves board games, baking, gardening, and playing Minecraft (oh, the horror!) with her younger brother. She has had some sort of phone since the age of 8.

It has never occurred to me to take her phone away at any point, except for misbehavior. She stays up routinely until 1:00am doing homework -- on her laptop. All of her assignments are online, as her high school is moving to a paperless environment. Generally, her phone is dead by then (as it is most evenings) because she could not be bothered to charge it.

We see her phone as an enabler, not a distraction or the enemy. How else would she dialogue with classmates about projects, if she didn't have access to her phone? What about her music? She puts on Spotify in the evenings to help her plow through the 4-5 hours of homework/night. Occasionally, I send her little uplifting quotes or silly texts to help ease the burden. Who cares if she texts her friends who are up doing the same thing -- homework! What else does she have time to do in the evening? Where are all of your kids in school who have so much free time to text, post to Instagram and chat all night?

We have lectured her on the perils of posting even so much as a bikini picture on social media. College admissions representatives are looking. She knows not to send revealing pictures of herself via text, e-mail or other forms of social media. We've talked with her about the dangers of clicking on unsolicited or otherwise strange links, of online predators, of posting or sending sensitive personal information on or via the Internet, of sexting, or engaging in other types of risky behavior online.

I occasionally perform a physical spot check of her phone and review the phone calls to and from her phone online. I have told her that she should have very little expectation of privacy until she turns 18. She does not like this, but as long as I am paying...

This works for us. I recognize and respect, however, that all kids and families are not the same. Please don't suggest that anyone who does it differently from you is a bad parent.

She is up until 1am doing HW every night and you are okay with that? She is sleep deprived because she doesn't manage her time well, probably due to usage of electronics. She may get good grades but at the cost of getting only 5hts of sleep. Insane

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She is up until 1am doing HW every night and you are okay with that? She is sleep deprived because she doesn't manage her time well, probably due to usage of electronics. She may get good grades but at the cost of getting only 5hts of sleep. Insane

Different poster, but...

I would "be okay with" that exact situation as reported by PP if it were one of my DDs and would not find it at all insane. She's busy, it happens. Some people thrive on that sort of pace, and some people do not. By PP's account her daughter seems successful and well-rounded, with no signs of distress or unhappiness reported in that post. Now, maybe that's just because PP didn't mention any that are actually present, or maybe the DD is unhappy and nobody has noticed. But if my DD seemed satisfied with a schedule that she had chosen and knew she would have our support in substantially altering at any time if it was no longer working for her, I would be not only fine with my teen being exactly as PP described but proud. In fact, PP's daughter sounds very similar to my own DD23 when she was a teen, and my DD13 appears to be taking on a similarly demanding mix of commitments. As long as they're at peace with their own choices and not obviously struggling, in distress, or in need of additional structure, I would say to let teens make as many of their own decisions as possible because making their own decisions now while parents can still easily step in if needed is IMO the best possible practice for learning to make and accept consequences of their decisions as adults.